


Waiting For The Dawn

by framby



Category: Glee
Genre: Amnesia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 08:17:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 68,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/framby/pseuds/framby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't suppose to be like that, Kurt and Blaine were supposed to stay together. But they didn't. Kurt was laying in this hospital bed,not remembering his past nor their break up. Asking for Blaine who was just a shadow of his former self.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was one of those days for Kurt, when everything is just wrong no matter how hard you try. He woke up that morning with a stranger in his bed and a rather irritating hangover. It took Kurt two hours to explain to the man that no, he didn't want to have breakfast with him, that no, he could not have his number, and that finally he couldn't remember the man's name so a date or a round two was way out of order. Then Kurt had to hurry to get dressed, drink coffee or actually spilt coffee on his shirt, grabbed the wrong bag and finally got a cab to hurry to his office.

Kurt was working for the fashion department of a small magazine in New York. After being rejected from NYADA it took all summer to think about his future. Kurt had decided to apply for fashion classes in NYU. He later discovered the pleasure of being able to teach to a large group of people the art of being dressed thanks to his articles. So naturally Kurt found an internship in a magazine that wasn't Vogue but was like home to him.

It took Kurt six years since he left Lima to accomplish something he was proud of. He had to give up on lots of things like sleep, free time and love. During his first year in New York Kurt had tried to make the whole long distance relationship work. He and Blaine had had a lot of Skype dates, endless text conversations. But something was off. Kurt tried to push it, but the more they were talking, the more they fought over little things. When one of them was a little late for the Skype date the other would automatically be angry, they would start be aggressive toward each other and often the date would end abruptly because one of them would hang up without saying goodbye. It was not much, if you looked at it like that. It was always better when they saw each other over the weekends, but the distance made everything more complicated. After a rather big fight one day, Kurt broke up with Blaine. Their fights were getting worse; they hadn't even had a real conversation without shouting at each other. Kurt dreaded their Skype dates, he was afraid that one day he might hate Blaine. So he had to break things up. He was both relieved and destroyed after doing it. He was not proud of how he did it but it had to be done.

After that Kurt decided that romance was definitely not for him. He had tried, it ended badly, and he would just have to try something else. Like sex, with random men and as often as possible. These decisions lead him to that morning, after a night of sex. He was exhausted, but did not have to think about the aftermath of that night, because there would be none, because sex was easy and fun. And on that gloomy day, the taxi was leading Kurt to his job, the only thing Kurt was living for.

He stepped into the elevator, and when the doors opened, he rushed to his office. His day did not get better; at 10 Kurt had an argument with one of his assistants; at 11 he was already late and when the clock reached two in the afternoon Kurt had the immeasurable pleasure of having a phone call from Sebastian.

"Just for your information I ordered the most expensive thing I could and paid the bill at your name. I love when men are playing hard to get but we both know that you and I will never be an option. So stop being a diva and get your ass to the restaurant, Princess. "

"Sebastian, hello to you too, yes I am fine, thank you for asking," then Kurt remembered. "Shit! We were supposed to have lunch together weren't we?"

"Glad to see that Alzheimer's didn't hit you. Are you coming now?"

"No. I'm sorry I can't, I'm way behind schedule and work is crazy right now!" Kurt tried to apologize.

"Well, can you at least send one of the models that work for you? I might need someone to entertain me since you're not coming." Kurt sighed, Sebastian was always asking for models to sleep with.

"No! Seb, I'm sorry, I'll make –"

And with that Sebastian just hung up on him.

Kurt had run into Sebastian several times during his first year at NYU. It took Blaine and Kurt breaking up, and a really rather drunk Kurt for their friendship to start. Sebastian had bumped into Kurt two days after the break up and told him that he needed to loosen up and to come to a party. To be honest, Sebastian had dragged Kurt to the party. Kurt had drunk too much and Sebastian had to take care of him.He started to bring him to his dorm, partly to make sure Kurt didn't hurt himself but mostly to record him serenading a stop sign. When Kurt and Sebastian reached the dorm Kurt launched himself at Sebastian. It hadn't been a bad kiss really, a bit sloppy and tasted like alcohol but not completely unattractive. But when they moved to the bed, Kurt had watched Sebastian intensely, and then tried to wiggle out of his skinny jeans, ending up on the floor. Sebastian had reached out to help him stand, and ended up punching him. They iced the burning cheek and went to sleep. In the morning Kurt had freaked out before remembering why Sebastian was in his bed in first place. He woke him up brutally and after an awkward conversation, they decided to try being friends.

Bickering was the foundation of their friendship but they deeply cared for each other. Kurt helped Sebastian to study whenever he was too stressed to function and Sebastian was looking out for Kurt. Well, he actually made sure that the men Kurt was going home with weren't too ugly. Kurt partied too much, had sex with random strangers too much, and that was saying something coming from Sebastian, but at least they were attractive. They cared for each other and stayed bitchy and it was the best friendship they could have asked for considering how everything started.

It was past eight, the sky was dark blue and rain was pouring. Kurt still had a lot of work to do and didn't live near the building. He was exhausted, too stressed and his day had been a nightmare. He just wanted to go home and sleep unlike the night before.

When Blaine got home that night, he just wanted one thing: to crawl under the covers of his bed and sleep through the night. It had been a long day and he wasn't sure he could handle anymore. His students had been overexcited and didn't pay attention at all during the class; one guy in the football team had finally broken up with his girlfriend, or was it the girlfriend that had broken up with him? Anyway, the girls were too busy trying to figure out a way of being asked out on a date and the boys were playing with a ball around the room. It was not that Blaine did not know how to be strict with his students, he just preferred when everyone was able to participate, in a relative chaos or not. So when two of his students started a heated argument about the meaning of a song, Blaine just tried to calm them down when it became too much, but that was it, really. Blaine didn't like it, he wasn't even sure he could do it anymore. And after his long day, he also had to sit through a very long and very painful discussion with his boss who seemed to think that Blaine was his psychiatrist for some reason. So Blaine just sat there for two hours straight listening to whatever wife-related problem the man had now before he finally got to head home. A heavy rain started to fall, making him completely soaked.

"Great, at least things can't get any worse," Blaine mumbled.

It wasn't before stepping into his home that he found out that yes, actually, things could get worse. A little note was left on the fridge for him to read:

Sorry, baby bro, had to take a flight to Los Angeles, won't be back until the end of the month, try to get some ass for once! – Cooper

"Well fantastic," Blaine thought. The jerk that happened to be his roommate and brother had just left him alone, once again. It wasn't that Blaine was not used to being alone at this point; he just wished that some time, Cooper would actually spend time with him instead of acting like a ghost. It was one of the brilliant ideas of one Cooper Anderson: being roommates with his brother. After realizing how much Blaine suffered from their nonexistent relationship when he was in high school, Cooper began to take his big brother duty very seriously. So when Cooper heard that Blaine would be moving to New York and had had his heart crushed by the boy he loved, he bought a flat, in New York.

"The perfect reaction when you see your brother cry his heart out on your shoulder," Blaine had thought after finding out what Cooper had done. And then his big brother had asked him to move in with him. Blaine had been thrilled at first, making him forget about the dull ache in his chest. He moved in at the very beginning of July and by the end of the month had managed to see his brother for two hours. Cooper was always busy working and Blaine couldn't blame him for that. It took him a very long time to understand why Cooper had asked him to move in if he wasn't even there. It was just Cooper's way of taking care of Blaine. Cooper couldn't physically be there all the time, so he made sure that Blaine had a place to go home at night, and that he didn't struggle with money, so he could focus on his studies. That way, Cooper was sure that Blaine was safe when he wasn't around, which was almost all the time. His work was really important to him, just like his career and fame, so he had to work really hard on it. So he was not going to miss any opportunity, even if it meant not being able to see his brother for months sometimes. Cooper loved Blaine and cared a lot about him, but his career just came first most of the time. Blaine wasn't mad at Cooper; he didn't know better and was just acting like his parents had acted with them when they were younger. But being alone in his old house back in Ohio or in this flat in New York always made Blaine wonder, maybe if he had chosen another career, or worked harder, then maybe people would stay with him instead of running away all the time

His parents loved him and he knew that. Being gay and making the choice of becoming a teacher was not what they had expected for him, but they loved him anyways. Sometimes when he was still in high school, trying to figure out what he would like to study, his he and his father had a violent argument. His father had said that he could have done better in life; he could be someone great if he hadn't chosen to be gay, and if he hadn't chosen to pursue studies that would leave him with no money and no work. But Blaine had fought against his father, who at the end supported him in his choices and apologized for the things he said.But Blaine knew and felt it, his parents loved him, but he wasn't good enough for them, he wasn't enough for them to be really proud of him. Being in the shadow of Cooper didn't help either. He felt like a ghost waiting to be discovered. It didn't happen. His parents travelled more and more for his father's job, leaving Blaine on his own most of the time, not feeling worth their attention. And years later he was feeling the same way about his brother and that note on the fridge: not good enough for people to want to spend time with him. But all these insecurities had hit him when Kurt had broken up with him, two week before Blaine's graduation. Kurt didn't even have the decency to do it face to face, but instead he had chosen to use the phone instead. Blaine couldn't remember Kurt's exact words, what time he received that call, if it was a sunny day or not. No. Blaine just remembered feelings hitting him like waves. First it had been anger, Kurt hadn't even made an effort to break up with him properly, breaking up over the phone was the coward's way out, and Blaine could have punched the wall in front of him. Maybe he did, but that whole night was just a blur in his mind. Then sadness and emptiness made their way through his body leaving him in tears. When he woke up the next morning, his anger had left him and he lay in his bed for hours before it hit him. Kurt had broken up with him because he wasn't good enough. His mouth went dry and he swallowed with difficulty, repeating the words that would soon become a mantra: he was not enough. The thought never left him, and every day that passed just added more weight to it. His parents would never be proud of him because he was not enough, he would always be in Cooper's shadow because he was not enough, Kurt would never want him again because he was not enough, the kids in his class did not really respect him because he was not enough.

The note left him dumbstruck in front of his fridge. He threw it away and made his way to the bathroom.

When Kurt finally left work for the day it was past eleven. He was replaying in his mind what he would have to do the next day and in which order to be more efficient. He was so absorbed by his thoughts that he mechanically paid his cab driver and ran to the stairs that lead to the entrance of his building. Kurt didn't pay attention to the wet floor nor to the stairs in front of him, he just ran, trying to save his coat from the rain. He felt his shoes starting to slip and he tried to reach for anything that might prevent him from falling on his back. But his reflexes were slower than usual because of the lack of sleep and his still-present hangover; everything went black when he hit his head against the hard concrete.

Meanwhile on the other side of the city, Blaine didn't make any effort to dry his skin or his hair after his shower and crawled naked into his bed, wishing sleep would come quickly.


	2. Chapter 2

Sometimes, being a congressman was too difficult for Burt. He wished he could be at home more often, watching sports with his stepson, Finn, or being around his wife and see her smiling. Those little thing were nothing, but they meant everything to him. He just hoped that Kurt would come home more often.   
Burt knew that his son was a busy man and that his work took over his life, but that didn’t mean that he liked it. He understood, though. Of course he understood – Burt’s work had taken over his life as well and, even if it was rewarding, it wasn’t always entirely pleasant. Burt missed the old times when Kurt would call him almost every day just to tell him about his day. The call would only last ten minutes but at least Burt was able to hear his son’s voice and knew what had happened during his day. But now, Burt would feel lucky when Kurt would give him a call once in a while.  
Burt was still in DC, ready to go back to Ohio for the rest of the week when his phone started ringing.  
“Hello, Mr. Hummel?”  
“Yes, that’s me. How can I help you?” Burt answered, collecting his belongings.  
“Mr. Hummel, I am a nurse at the New York Downtown Hospital and we have a patient here named Kurt Hummel…”  
Burt didn’t listen to what followed that sentence, didn’t even answer the woman. There was only one thing on his mind: his son was in hospital. This couldn’t happen. His son, his baby, was lying somewhere in New York in a hospital bed. Nothing mattered in that second but how fast Burt could reach New York.  
When Burt finally ran into the hospital four hours later, he looked tired and utterly anxious. He was shaking when he gave his name to an uninterested nurse. She told him Kurt’s room number and Burt made his way through the hospital to see his son. Kurt was lying in bed, paler than usual, with tubes attached to his body and his head wrapped in a white bandage. Both his left arm and right leg were in casts. Burt took the chair beside the bed and reached out carefully for his son’s hand. Burt was so focused on his son that he did not hear the doctor enter the room.  
“Mr. Hummel? I am Dr. Davis. I’m in charge of taking care of your son.” Burt stood , weakly shaking the doctor’s hand.  
“Yeah, I’m Burt Hummel. Doc, what happened to my boy?”  
“Your son fell and hit his head against a set of concrete steps late last night – it seems that he must have slipped while walking to his apartment due to the downpour of rain that we had. His fall caused a fracture in both his arm and leg which we placed in casts as soon as we could, but what primarily worried me was the damage to his head. The impact between his skull and the concrete steps gave him a pretty severe cut and caused him to lose a lot of blood, but we rushed him to surgery as soon as he arrived and we managed to stop the bleeding.”  
Burt couldn’t believe was he was hearing. He was a little relieved to find out that Kurt had not been beaten or involved in a car crash or kidnapping or one of the other millions of scenarios running through his head at lightning speed. At least it was just a trip. Nothing really wrong could happen with just a fall.  
“Is he going to be alright? How is his head? When is he going to wake up? How long does he have to wear the casts?” Burt said without even breathing. Because even though a fall was nothing, his son was still unconscious in a hospital bed.  
“Sir, the impact was quite strong and Kurt lost quite a lot of blood. But the cut has been repaired to the best of our ability. Now we need him to wake to determine that everything is completely fine. We will also need to conduct a few routine scans to be sure that everything is healing properly and that there is no internal haemorrhaging. He may need some physical therapy for his arm and leg but nothing too strenuous. Do you have any other questions, sir?”  
Burt shook his head and the doctor nodded once before leaving. He was glad that Dr. Davis had simplified things for him. He wasn’t sure he could have stayed calm if the doctor had ranted at him with those indecipherable medical terms. But his son was more or less fine, and Burt was sure Kurt would heal perfectly. His son was strong and Burt tried to focus on that, drifting slowly to sleep with his head on the mattress.  
The sun was starting to creep into the room when Kurt woke up. Well, tried to wake up, at least. His head was hurting like hell, his bed was far from being comfortable and his eyes did not want to open. He was feeling dizzy just by being conscious. His alarm clock hadn’t switched on yet, so he decided that he could indulge in sleeping a bit more. Maybe he would be in better shape the second time he woke up.

When Burt called his wife to tell her what had happened, Carole had cried for nearly half an hour. Kurt might not be her son by blood but she loved him just the same. She told Burt she would catch the next flight to New York, bringing clothes and food for them. Burt was grateful for his wife. She was down one minute and the next she would be planning and organizing in order to be sure that everyone was being taken care of. Burt couldn’t wait to see her – he might be a strong man who didn’t show many emotions, but his wife was his rock and he was not sure he could handle the situation without her.  
The next person Burt called was Sebastian. Burt liked the boy well enough. Well, at first he thought that he was an arrogant, spoiled brat and maybe he was still thinking it. But Sebastian looked after Kurt, Burt knew that. Sebastian had called him once asking what Kurt’s favorite meals were for when he was ill before hanging up abruptly. Burt wondered many times if the two of them were a couple, but once the Hudmel family had spent a long weekend in New York and Burt had watched Kurt and Sebastian when he joined them for dinner. They had fought the whole time, bickering about everything and anything just like two old grandmas. But definitely not like a couple.   
Sebastian had made one or two comments about Kurt and used way too many inappropriate nicknames for his son, but Burt had seen the kindness behind that. Hell, he used to fight with Fred, one of the oldest mechanics of his shop, all the time but he was also one of his best friends. So Burt knew to look over the bickering and see the friendship behind it. Burt was glad Kurt had a friend that looked after him in New York and started to like Sebastian a bit more. The rudeness was even sort of funny sometimes. So of course Burt dialed Sebastian – Kurt could use a friend when he woke up.  
“Mr. Hummel? Hello, what do you want?” Well, Sebastian seems to be in a good mood. This will go down well, Burt thought.  
“Sebastian, hello kid. Look, I have some bad news. Kurt is in the hospital. He’s hit his head against the floor and has some other injuries. He’s still unconscious, but I thought you might want to come and see him.” Burt heard scuffling through the phone as Sebastian grabbed his wallet and keys before starting to talk again.  
“Let me throw the naked man that slept in my bed out of my place and I’ll be there in half an hour. Need coffee?” Burt would never understand how someone could say that kind of thing to a friend’s parent, or to anyone that wasn’t a friend for that matter, but that was part of Sebastian’s charm.   
“Yeah, I might need coffee. Grab something to eat, too,” Burt said. Then he hastily added, “But not one of those snack bars that taste like cat food. Grab something with real sugar and real grease. See you in a bit, son.”  
Sebastian was not the kind of friend he would have imagined for Kurt, but somehow he was a caring friend and that was all that mattered.  
Half an hour later, right on time, Sebastian kicked the doors open and gave Burt his cup of coffee and greasy food. They ate in silence, just being glad that someone else was there for the support.  
They waited all day. Carole arrived just after lunch with enough clothes for three weeks and boxes filled with food. She hugged Sebastian, who awkwardly returned it, before they settled in the chairs around the room and waited for Kurt to wake up.  
Burt hated waiting.  
When Kurt woke up for the second time that day, his head was still hurting, the bed was still uncomfortable and now he could tell that the room smelt like hospital. Kurt tried hard to open his eyes, but they were unbelievably heavy. He could probably have used some more sleep, but the desire to know what he was doing in a hospital bed won out.  
Slowly he opened his eyes and tried to look around the room, but his vision was still blurry. He waited, focusing on adjusting to the light of the room and the noise around him. When finally everything went clear he first spotted his father, sleeping a chair.   
“Dad?” Kurt called with a raspy voice.  
“Kurt?! Carole, look, Kurt’s awake! Hey, kiddo, how are you doing?” Burt asked, stepping closer to Kurt to hold his hand.  
“Well, I feel like my head is going to explode, I have the same vision problems as Granny, I can’t move my arm or my leg and I’m pretty sure that I’m having an allergic reaction to these sheets. But other than that I’m doing wonderfully, thanks. What happened?” Kurt asked. He was eager to know how he ended up in the worse place on earth.  
“You tripped while trying to climb the stairs in front of your building. You hurt your head babdly, kiddo. And you fell on your arm and twisted your leg, that’s why you have them both in casts,” Burt provided. “They had to rush you into surgery so maybe your head is going to hurt a bit for a little while.”  
After Burt had answered all of Kurt’s questions, Sebastian entered the room loudly.  
“What the hell is he doing here?” Kurt cautiously asked, wearing a wary look and feeling both angry and confused.  
“Well, Carrie Bradshaw, you’re hurt so I came here to check on you.”  
“Oh, my god! I didn’t fall! You pushed me, didn’t you?! You tried to kill me! And since you didn’t achieve your goal you’re here to finish the job!” Kurt was yelling now, completely panicked.  
“If I wanted to kill you I would have hired someone, but you’re not worth taking up my precious time to schedule your death. Get over yourself, Hummel,” Sebastian snapped. “You’re a pretty shitty friend, without any benefits, but coming to see you seemed like the right thing to do. Now that you’re back from the dead, I’m going to go.”  
“A shitty friend? For me to be your friend would mean that we have a friendship. And hitting on my boyfriend while insulting me is not what I call a strong base for a friendship. So I would be forever grateful if you finally got your act together and stay away from me and Blaine. You can drag your pathetic excuse of a body out of this room, now.”  
Sebastian turned instantly to look at Burt, a worried look on his face. Kurt had just mentioned Blaine. Kurt never talked about him anymore.  
“Blaine?” Sebastian asked carefully.  
“Yes, Blaine! Short, beautiful curly hair, voice to die for, caring and loving, on a sugar high 24/7? The one you tried to hit on and failed miserably so many times I lost count,” Kurt said, now looking pissed by Sebastian’s behavior. “Blaine, my boyfriend Blaine!”  
Well, fuck, thought Sebastian.


	3. Chapter 3

“So are you going to tell me where he is?” Kurt snapped. He was starting to lose patience, Sebastian was still staring at him and his dad wouldn’t talk. The situation was driving him crazy.

“Um, kiddo what do you mean by your ‘boyfriend’?” Burt tried to ask cautiously.

“Well, Blaine is my boyfriend and I would have expected him to come and visit me even if I all I did was break an arm and a leg. That’s what boyfriends do. So, is he on his way? Or was he in here before I woke up? And Sebastian, please leave. You’re going to infect the whole hospital with your presence and I’ve had enough of you. ”

“Okay, stop it now, Kurt,” Sebastian almost yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. “I know you must be confused to be in a hospital bed but you are just being plain rude. You could at least be polite.”

“And why would I do that?” Kurt replied. Sebastian, meanwhile, was slowly becoming angrier.

“Because we’re friends! And I’m a person, for fuck sake! Do I need to go over it once again? Seriously, Hummel, you being slow is even less bearable than you being bitchy.”

“We are not friends!” Kurt shouted, now laughing uncontrollably.

“Okay, so we’re not friends and Blaine is your boyfriend. Very funny, did you eat a fucking clown at breakfast?”

“No, I didn’t eat anything, or I think I didn’t…. And, yes, we’re not friends and Blaine is my boyfriend. Would you all stop looking at me like that?!” Kurt was getting angrier and angrier by the second, both from the situation and ~~to~~ his family. All of this was confusing him and making him feel uncomfortable.

“Okay, boys, slow down. Sebastian, could you go find a nurse and tell her that Kurt is awake?” Sebastian stormed out of the room whispering something inaudible.    Burt came closer to Kurt, reaching for a chair to sit on and look at his son. “Kiddo, are you okay?”

“No, I’m not! What is going on? Why is Sebastian here and not Blaine? I need him, dad. Please could you just call him? And stop looking at me like that – you’re all looking at me like I’m some sort of crazy person and it’s scaring me.” Kurt was almost sobbing by now and his father didn’t know what to do. Obviously something was off with Kurt but he couldn’t pinpoint it. He was afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Carole came closer to both men, smiling warmly at Kurt.

“Don’t worry Kurt, the nurse will be here soon. They’ll do a quick check up and everything will calm down. I know you must be afraid; there is nothing pleasant about waking up in a hospital. So don’t worry, your father is here, I’m here, you’re surrounded by people who just want to take care of you.”

 He was glad that his father was here, and Carole as well. But he wanted Blaine, needed Blaine. He just wanted a hug and the warm, soothing voice of Blaine whispering for him, and _just_ him, that everything will be fine and that he was there for him. But Blaine wasn’t there, and Kurt’s head was starting to spin again. The nurse arrived followed by Sebastian who was still obviously pissed off by everything Kurt had said.

“Hello, dear, my name is Caroline and I’m one of the nurses that’s been looking after you. How are you feeling?” she asked while checking Kurt’s pulse.

“I’m fine, a bit dizzy and my head hurts. And I really need to scratch my leg, the one in the cast!” The nurse laughed a little, obviously used to common complaint.

“Do you know what the date is?”

“Well, not exactly. They didn’t tell me how long I’ve been in this hospital, but around the 9th of May.” The nurse nodded, though not necessarily in agreement, and continued to check the dilation of his pupils. She decided not to mention that they were currently in mid-October.

“Uh-huh. Of what year?” the nurse continued.

“2012.”She quickly looked at everyone in the room. The fact that Kurt’s memories were five years behind seemed to have them all in shock and she guessed that no one was going to interfere, so she continued with her question.

“And how old are you?”

“Nineteen.”

“Where are you living?”

“In New York for a few weeks now but I’m from Lima, Ohio.”

“And can you name the people in the room for me?”

Kurt was becoming more and more inpatient with all of her questions. He just wanted to get a pass to leave this hell hole and go home.  But he answered with as much politeness as he could: “Those people are my family except for that guy in the corner… He claims to be my friend but I would say that we’re barely acquaintances.”

 “Thank you for your answers, Kurt. Now you seem to be healing fine - your pulse rate is good and you don’t seem to be suffering from any side-effects of the drugs. I’ll just need a quick word with your father and we’ll be back. Oh, and try not to escape – I know from the face you’re making that you’re less than happy to be here,” the nurse said, smiling widely. She tried to stay calm and to not show her confusion and worry. She didn’t want to scare the patient, after all, and knew that the situation was less than comfortable.

They all walked out of the room, making sure that the door was closed and that they were far away enough to talk with fearing that Kurt might hear anything.

“Sir, I think you may have come to the same conclusion as me:  your son is currently suffering from memory loss.” Burt was looking down, wringing the ever present trucker cap in his hands, and no one dared to say a word as the nurse  continued. “If you follow me, I think it would be best if we go to see Dr. Davis.”

 

Sebastian sat in the waiting room while Burt and Carole followed the nurse. They waited only a few minutes before Dr. Davis entered the room, a file in his hands and looking both worried and tired. He sat down and went over the few things that they already knew: the fall, the broken arm and leg, and now the discovery of Kurt’s loss of memory.

“Kurt believes he is nineteen years old again, has just arrived in New York and is still in a committed relationship with his former boyfriend. Obviously, we are not going to be able to keep from him that we are, in fact, five years into the future. But I highly recommend that anything that would potentially cause Kurt unneeded stress to be kept from him for now, as to not hinder the healing process. But I must warn you: the brain is not a very well-known organ – it still has a lot of secrets and mysteries. Anything could be the trigger to full recovery, but could also trigger complete loss of these memories forever. So I’m not telling you to keep from him everything that has happened, but just take caution. Keep things simple.”

Burt nodded, still silent, and lost deep in his thoughts. _He wasn’t prepared for that.  He would just have to close the shop for as long as Kurt would need him. Or ask Finn to take care of it. He would need to call Kurt’s work and –_

His thoughts were interrupted by a gentle hand on his. Carole was looking at him adoringly, and he automatically started to feel better.

“Okay, Doc. Do I… Do I need to tell him? Or do we need to let you do it?”

 “I think it would be less traumatizing for Kurt if you were the one to break the news.”

“Okay. Okay, I can do that,” Burt said, more as a pep talk to himself than for the doctor. “Oh, and, um… What about the, uh, the ‘boyfriend’ situation?”

 “Sir, I’m afraid that is under your jurisdiction. Like I said, everything could be a trigger and you would have to consider that carefully before you make a decision. If you are still in touch with your son’s ex-boyfriend, then I would consider calling him and informing him of the situation before involving Kurt.”

They sat in silence for few minutes, taking everything in, before Carole decided to take the lead. She thanked the doctor before exiting the room, dragging Burt with her. They met Sebastian in the hall who informed them that Kurt had fall asleep while they were in the doctor’s office.

“Sebastian, sweetie? Do you still have Blaine Anderson’s number?” Carole asked without preamble.

“Um, yes? Give me your phone.” Sebastian entered Blaine’s number in Carole’s phone before looking at her. “You’re going to call him and ask him to come see Kurt, right?”  Carole just nodded. Her husband was still out of it but she knew Burt would want to call him.

“This is going to be priceless! Could you put the speaker on? I need to record that shit!” Sebastian choked out between his laughter. Carole crooked an eyebrow at him.

“As charming as you can be, I think you need to go home and get some rest, Sebastian. Thank you for stopping by, though.”

“Mrs. Hummel, I have to say your bitchy, sassy self is one of my favorites! You’re a quick learner. I can see you took it all from Kurt. Goodnight to you too, and call me if you need anything… Scratch that, don’t call me. I need a break from the Hummel family. You’re all so sweet it’s disgusting.” And then, without thinking about it, Sebastian kissed Carole’s cheek and vanished from the hall, knowing that they needed to deal with the situation as a family and they would call him if anything happened.

 Indeed Carole learned everything from the best and she knew how to act with Sebastian to make him do exactly what she wanted. And being bitchy was unfortunately the only way. She then turned to see her husband and handed him the phone.

“Call him, hon.”

Burt, still not completely together, reached blindly for the phone and pressed dial.

* * *

 

 

When Blaine finally reached home that night, he saw that he had several messages left on his phone. He pushed the button to the answering machine and listened while grabbing a beer from his fridge.

“Message one,” the creepy, computerized woman announced loudly.

“Blainers? Are you out? Or still in bed? Shit, what time is it in New York? Well, anyway, I hope you’re having sweet butt sex! Or rough butt sex? I don’t know which you’re more into! I’m having a great time here, so don’t worry, and call me back!”

The voice clicked off before the machine announced the start of message two.

“That was Cooper, by the way. Call me! But clean your hands first, okay? I don’t want lube all over my phone. Kisses, Blainers!”

Blaine rolled his eyes before deleting the two messages without a thought. Cooper was rude and oblivious to the fact that Blaine hadn’t had butt sex (sweet or otherwise) in quite a while now.

“Message three,” the machine stated.

“Hey, Blainey! It’s Jeff! I desperately need you – one of our singers just called off work tonight and we could really use a charming voice like yours! Nicky is _dying_ to sing with you again, just like when we were in The Warblers. He might still have the uniform, actually…”

“Jeff, put the phone down and don’t say things like that! Hey, Blaine! Come sing for us tonight, we’re waiting for you at the bar! No, Jeff, give me back the phone!”

“Ouch! Nicky, that hurt!”

“Jeff, say goodbye to Blaine.”

“Goodbye, Blainey-boy!”

“’Bye, Blaine! Call us back!”

The machine fell silent and Blaine snorted to himself. _Well that was an interesting message,_ he thought. At least that one was entertaining.  It had been years since he had sung for his own pleasure, let alone for an audience. Being a music teacher and a supervisor for the glee club didn’t mean he should, or have to, sing. He was still traumatized by one Mr Shuester and he didn’t want to impose the same scars on his students. He didn’t feel like singing anyway. After so many years out of practice he was also quite sure that he would sound like a dying whale if he even tried to sing a note. He wasn’t good anymore; he didn’t find relief or companionship in music. His guitar was cover in dust, and his music sheets were long lost. There was no way he would go to Nick and Jeff’s bar to sing (much to their dismay).

Blaine put a bowl of noodle soup in the microwaves to eat while watching TV. He wasn’t eating because he was hungry, or because he had a particular craving for noodle soup. He was eating for the sole reason that his body needed to be fed – that was it.

Nothing was really entertaining on TV and for a second he thought about calling Cooper back but didn’t act on the sudden urge. He didn’t need to hear Cooper bragging about whatever city he was in and whoever girl he was sleeping with. He just wandered through the flat, not knowing what to do with himself. He eventually turned off the lights and just sat on his bed, waiting for sleep to claim him.

* * *

 

Blaine’s phone went on suddenly, giving him heart attack. He tried to calm himself for a second before reaching for the phone and looking at the screen. He didn’t know the number but pressed the green button anyway.

“Hello?”

“Hi, I’m trying to reach Blaine Anderson. Is this the right number?”

Blaine knew that voice, but he hadn’t heard it for a very long time and couldn’t remember who exactly it belonged to.

“That’s me, sir. How can I help you?”

“Oh, great. I’m Burt Hummel, Kurt’s father. You know him from highschool?” Blaine wasn’t sure if Burt meant that as a question or a real sentence. He sounded tired and anxious.

“I remember Kurt, sir,” Blaine said with a chuckle. How could he  forget about Kurt when he was dreaming about him every night? “And I remember you as well, of course…. How, how can I help you, sir? Is everything okay?”

Blaine heard Burt sigh and, if the man hadn’t changed in the years since their last meeting, Blaine knew the older man would be scratching at his head.

“Look, Blaine… There’s been an accident and Kurt is at the hospital.” Blaine stopped suddenly, his whole body freezing as panic started to quickly set in. “He’s going to be okay! Don’t worry! He has a broken leg and arm but physically he’ll be okay.”

Blaine let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Kurt was okay, it was some broken bones, nothing to be worried about. But why Burt would called him, in the middle of the night for some minor incident? Wait, Burt had said ‘physically’…

“Sir –”

“Burt. Call me Burt, son. You didn’t call me ‘sir’ back then and there’s no need to start now.”

“Well, okay, Burt. You said that Kurt would be physically okay? What do you mean by physically okay?”

“This is difficult to talk about  on the phone, but I don’t want to disturb you more than this situation needs it. So I’m going to get straight to the point.” Burt told Blaine everything that happened – how Kurt had injured himself and what the doctor had said. Not only did telling Blaine the details inform the boy of everything that had happened, but talking about the situation helped Burt to become more in tune with everything.

“I’m really sorry about the situation, Burt. And I can’t even imagine how worried you must have been for Kurt. But again, what can I do for you? Do you need a place to stay so you can go see him every day? Or do you need something else? I don’t understand.”

“No, buddy, there is something else. “ Burt stopped, breathing heavily and scratching at his head, before looking at his wife and, at her encouraging nod, starting to talk again. “The knock on his head caused more damage than just a bad cut. He lost memories, Blaine. Not all of them but enough to not remember the past five years.”

Blaine froze. That was the reason why Burt seemed so unsure, so worried and anxious. Kurt had lost some of his memories. Five years of Kurt’s life was gone from his brain. Five years. Five _years_.

“Wait, you said five years?!”

“Yes, give or take few months. And I know you’re wondering, but no. He doesn’t remember you guys breaking up.”

All of this was overwhelming for Blaine. He returned to his bed, tried to breathe calmly and to not panic more than he already was.

“So, does… I mean, what… What do you want from me, Burt?”

“I talked to his doctor earlier and… Oh, hell, this is harder than I thought,” Burt muttered to himself. “He told me that it was up to me to tell Kurt whether or not you two weren’t in relationship anymore. But he also told me that anything could trigger his brain in one way or another. Block his memories for ever or make him remember everything. I decided not to tell him. I don’t want to risk anything.”

“I understand, Burt.”

“Thanks, bud, that’s exactly why I called you. I wanted to be sure you would be okay with it. Even if I don’t expect you to do anything I thought that was the right thing to do.”

“Um, sir? Burt. Would it be okay if I visit him?” A long silence answered him, so Blaine added quickly, “Because if he thinks we’re still together it will confused him and break his heart if his supposed boyfriend doesn’t come to visit him, don’t you think?”

 _What the hell was he doing?_ He hadn’t seen Kurt in six years. He didn’t have the chance to visit him like he thought he could during his senior year. So, before Kurt had broken up with him, they hadn’t really seen each other that much _._

 _Kurt doesn’t know that I’m not his boyfriend; I haven’t seen Burt in years. Why the hell would I ask for a visit?! What am I doing?_  Blaine was pacing his bedroom floor frantically, waiting for Burt to answer, talk, yell at him… Just waiting for him to do _something_.

“Oh, god, I hadn’t thought about that! I’m sorry, Blaine, I didn’t think everything through. This is all quite new and I had to think quicker than I would have liked. But, sure you can come and visit if it’s not too much bother for you. Can you come tomorrow?”

“Burt, would it be okay if I come right now? I’m fully awake and I’m sure I won’t be able to go back to sleep. Plus, I have to admit, I’m worried about Kurt.” Blaine was whispering as he said the last sentence. What would Burt think about him? He just basically told him he was desperate to see Kurt.

“Of course,” Burt chuckled, before giving Blaine all the information that he needed before saying a quick goodbye and that he would be waiting for him.

Blaine rushed out of his apartment, stealing a taxi from underneath the noses of two drunken women. Quickly he found himself in front of the main entrance of the hospital and everything hit him. He was going to see Kurt. The one who broke up with him. The one that didn’t want to be with him because he was nothing.

_Well done, Blaine, you just run to someone that doesn’t want you. That doesn’t need you, that doesn’t love you. His mind is just playing tricks on him. He doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, how could he? Look at you! And you just rush to him, for what? To show him what a failure you are?_

Blaine was walking backward, eye locked on the building. His mind was racing and his fear growing. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t see Kurt. He wasn’t ready to see the disappointment in those beautiful blue eyes. But a strong hand caught his arm and Blaine turned his head violently to meet Burt Hummel and his pained smile.

“Blaine, it’s good to see you. Thank you for understanding and coming here to help. He needs you, ya know.”

With that Burt led Blaine through halls and to theelevator in a relative silence.

 _How could Burt be so happy to see me? And how could Kurt need me? I can’t even take care of a fake plant. This is bound to be a disaster. Oh, god, I’m going to screw up everything and make Kurt’s brain close so he’ll never be able to remember anything!_ Blaine thought.

He looked around him frantically, searching for a way to run away. But Burt was in front of him and was talking amiably.

“ … Kurt’s room. Go ahead, I’ll leave you two alone for a minute or two.”

Blaine stood in front of the door, slowly taking the doorknob in his hand. He closed his eyes, preparing himself. His breathing was irregular, he could feel his blood pumping near his temples, his legs were weak, he was possibly going to pass out. But he took a long breath, cracked his neck in preparation and stepped into the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Blaine stepped into the room. The only visible light came from the lamp on Kurt’s beside table. It wasn’t a warm light, or one that makes everything more beautiful. It was a harsh one, the kind that makes reality even more distressing.

Blaine came closer to the bed, only to realize that Kurt was still asleep. He didn’t know what to do with himself at first. Should he take his hand? Or leave the room? But it seemed that while his mind was still trying to come up with a sane and logic idea, his body was having a life of its own. And Blaine found himself caressing Kurt’s forehead, and really looking at him for the first time since he came into the room.

Kurt was painfully beautiful. He had bruises, on his face and on his neck, and his head was wrapped in white bandages. Tubes were linked haphazardly over his entire body. But underneath all of these things, he looked more mature, his jaw  stronger and his cheekbones more accentuated.  Blaine was filling his memory with images of Kurt in this moment. His chest tightened and Blaine had to close his eyes. He could do it, he had to. If there was one thing he should be able to do, it was this one: be there for Kurt and help him. He had to.

Kurt opened his eyes, and a genuine smile appeared on his face. The happiness reached Kurt’s eyes and his whole face lit up at the mere vision of Blaine.

Blaine didn’t see Kurt open his eyes, or the expression on his face, and only turned to look at him in shock when he heard him speak.

“It’s you,” Kurt whispered, calm rushing through his body.

“Um, it’s Blaine. _I’m_ Blaine. Do you remember me?” Blaine asked, unsure. Was it possible for someone to lose more of his memory after waking up from coma?

“Yes, I remember you, dumbass. And I know your name as well, thank you very much. Where were you? Why didn’t you come to see me sooner? I know it’s a long trip from Lima, but still…”  Kurt looked down, almost afraid of his own words.

“I’m glad you remember my name.” Blaine’s voice cracked. He had to close his eyes once again, he had to calm himself and control his tears. He had to stay calm. But the more Blaine’s inner voice was telling him to calm down the more Blaine was panicking, his chest was even tighter than before and his breath was heavy. He was feeling weak and nauseous.

 _Get a grip Blaine, you need to control yourself._ But he couldn’t and he tried to open his eyes but his vision was blurry and it made him sicker. He was going to faint. Words and images were spinning in his head.

“Blaine? Blaine, baby, look at me - you need to calm down. You need to breathe. Please – please, look at me! Blaine!”

 _Baby._ The word echoed in Blaine’s head and crashed his heart. He ran to the bathroom and reached the toilet just in time. Tears were now pouring down his cheeks from both his condition and his uncontrollable feelings. His head was resting against the cold porcelain; he was too weak to move anyway.

Warned by Kurt’s screams, Burt and Carole flew to the room. Carole ran to the bathroom to find a very pale Blaine. She patted his back and tried to catch his attention.

“Blaine, honey? Are you feeling better or do you need to stay near the toilet?”

Blaine didn’t answer. It was too much. He was feeling trapped. Carole’s kindness and Kurt’s… Just Kurt. He couldn’t handle the situation. He wasn’t strong enough to face all of this. He didn’t deserve Carole’s sweet words and Kurt’s nickname. He needed to go back to his place, he needed to lie in bed and forget all of this.

“Blaine, I know you must feel weak from the panic attack but I need you to talk to me. Please?” Carole was still patting his back and waiting for him to gain some strength to move from the bathroom.

“I need to go back to my place. I… I can’t be here,” Blaine whispered, slowly regaining his breath and recovering from the dizziness.

“Oh, honey! Of course you can go home. But don’t you want to stay here? That way we could make sure that you’re okay.”

“No, no, I can’t stay. I’ll… I better go. I’m sorry I gave you more trouble than you already have. I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry. “

Carole said nothing. They were the ones to call him and ask for his help, they were the ones that should be apologizing for causing him trouble in the middle of the night. But she said nothing. It was a difficult night for everyone.

She helped Blaine to stand up and get back to the room, before sitting him down in a chair and reaching for her phone to call a taxi.

Blaine didn’t make eye contact with Burt or Kurt when he walked back to the room. He sat there, silent, head down.

“Blaine? Do you really need to go? You could lay with me if you don’t feel good.” Kurt’s voice seemed desperate. Blaine had just arrived and had a panic attack and now he was leaving.  The whole situation was too much to take. Kurt needed Blaine to stay with him; he wouldn’t feel safe if Blaine left. No one was talking to him and everything seemed to be more awkward with every minute that passed.

Blaine left quickly, without a parting word or glance in Kurt’s direction.

 

* * *

 

_I screw up. I… I screw everything up. I didn’t talk to him, I didn’t even look at him. I just puke in his toilet and leave. I had a panic attack in his room. I’m so stupid… How can I… Why did I… This wasn’t a good idea. How can I be good for him? Or help him recover? I can’t even manage to spend a day without messing something up. I’m no good, so I can’t be good for him. I need to stay away or I’ll fuck up his recovery. I’m no good. I am no good. I’m just me. And I’m nothing._

 

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Kurt was fuming. His boyfriend had just left the room without even looking at him, everybody was staying away from him and when someone dared to talk to him it was like having a conversation with a brick wall.

“Stop it, now! Just stop it! I don’t care what you are holding back from me; I don’t care how big this is, or how scary or whatever the fuck this is! I want and I need to know! So could someone be nice enough to enlighten me!” Kurt yelled, looking as scary as someone can with half of his body in casts.

Burt looked up at the bursting and came closer to his son. He took a deep breath and looked at Carole, who took his hand and drew circles with her thumb to calm her husband.

“Okay, kiddo. This is going to be a bit confusing, so just bear with me, okay?”

“It can’t be much worse than now.”

“And don’t interrupt, Kurt. This is difficult enough. I’m going to explain it to you and then I’ll answer your questions, okay?”

“Yes, Dad. Sorry.” Burt nodded once, solemnly and without his usual humor.

“It’s alright. Okay, so, when you fell, you hit your head pretty badly. That’s why you have that bandage. You had a bad cut, but that’s not all. You… you’re suffering from memory loss, kiddo. We’re not in 2012, we’re in 2018.”

Burt waited for the outburst, for the screaming and yelling, for tears, at least. But Kurt just sat there, saying nothing, face blank, without batting an eyelash.

“Uh, Kurt? Son? You okay?”

“Huh?”

“Do you want me to call a doctor, Kurt?”

“No, no.” Kurt was in shock. Five years of nothing. There were five years missing. He had the sudden urge to grab a computer, a newspaper, anything, and to drown himself in everything that he’d missed. Well, not really ‘missed’, but forgotten. “Is everyone alright?”

Burt chuckled. Of course his son’s first question would be about everyone else and not in relation to his own health.

“Yes, everyone is fine. A few cold and flu viruses here and there, but beside that it’s all good. Do you want to know something else?”

“Did I make it? I mean, am I still living in New York?”

“Yes, kiddo, you’re still living in New York. You just finished your studies and you have a job now.” Burt didn’t know if he should give much more detail. How could he know what would block Kurt’s memory?

“A job? You mean I’m getting paid? But… For what? What is my job?”

Carole stepped in, sensing that her husband would not be able to paint Kurt a clear picture of his work.

“You’re teaching ~~to~~ America how to be as fabulous as you are. You’re writing articles about what to wear, how to wear it and with what - how to coordinate brooches with vests and what-not.”

Kurt was smiling. He knew he didn’t make it to NYADA (he had very vivid image of his non-acceptance letter and a bitter memory to come with it). And he remembered clearly that he enrolled for fashion classes.  But he had no idea where he would go from there. Apparently “where” was a fashion magazine.

“So, I’m living in New York, I have a beautiful boyfriend and an amazing job? The only problem is that five years of my memory are missing, right?”

Burt just stood there awkwardly so Carole spoke up.

 “Exactly, honey. But that isn’t the only problem. A lot has happened in five years, and anything could trigger either the recovery of your memory or the permanent loss of it. So you have to be patient with us, okay? There are things that people will be talking about and you’ll have no idea what they’re referring to. So don’t be upset and ask what they’re talking about, because there’ll be moments when we don’t think it’s a good idea to tell you something or give you the full details. But it’s only for your own good – we don’t want you to lose these five years permanently, after all. So this is going to be hard for you, but you’ll have to work with us and not against us. Okay, honey?”

Kurt didn’t want to agree with that. He wanted to know everything and anything. But Carole seemed serious about the whole thing. So he just agreed to the deal and thought that he would just need to find a way of collecting information other than his stepmom and his dad.

“Can I have a phone so I can call Blaine? I’m really worried about him. He was so strange.”

Burt was confused. Kurt seemed fine. Well, that wasn’t the problem, of course. He wanted his son to be okay. But regarding what he just revealed to him, Kurt was too fine for it to be normal. He should be a wreck. He should be yelling or denying the whole thing. But Kurt was just looking at him, like Burt just told him they were out of milk. This was scary. Kurt was too calm, it couldn’t be healthy.

“Take a nap, son. You’ll call Blaine later.” _If he still agrees to all that jazz,_ Burt added in his head.

Kurt agreed, once again reluctantly. He tried to find sleep, but couldn’t. Too much had happened in few hours.  He needed to think.

Blaine. Blaine had acted weird tonight. Maybe he was just panicked because Kurt had been injured. But it took him an awful lot of time to get to hospital, even from Lima. No wait, from… New York? Where was Blaine living now? With him, potentially? They had been together for years now, so that would make sense if they were living together. How can one not live with is boyfriend when said boyfriend was Blaine Anderson? Yes, he was definitely living with Blaine.  But why did it take him all that time to get to the hospital, then? Now that Kurt was thinking about it, Blaine never answered his question.  He started panicking right after, actually. Maybe Blaine was just overwhelmed by the whole situation. It could be terrifying to know that people you love and care about are in hospital. Kurt could relate.  But still, Blaine left quickly and without looking at him or acknowledging him. He needed to talk to Blaine, to feel his fingers on his forehead again, and to hear his voice. I was just a difficult day.

_Please, let it be just a difficult day,_ Kurt thought before falling asleep.

* * *

 

When Blaine finally lay in bed that night it was almost morning. He had no intention of going back to the hospital. He had made a fool of himself. He couldn’t face Kurt again. Now Kurt knew what a loser Blaine was and he couldn’t bear to face Kurt after that. He had been in the room for less than an hour - how did he manage to screw up in such a short time? Blaine took the pillow next to him and curled around it. He needed some sleep.

For the second time that day Blaine awoke to the sound of his phone. The thing was obnoxiously buzzing on the nightstand. Blaine extended his arm to his maximum and took his phone. Once again he didn’t know the number but answered anyway.

“Hello, Blaine Anderson speaking.”

“Blaine, hello again, it’s Burt Hummel.” Blaine stood quickly, trying to wake up.

“Um… He-hello again, sir. Burt! Hello, Burt!"  Burt could feel that Blaine was tense but didn’t understood why. He wasn’t the one that needed a favor (and a big one, at that).

“How are you feeling, Blaine?”

“G-good. Don’t worry about me, Burt. You have bigger problems.”

“I’m not worried, I’m concerned. You really didn’t seem well last night and I wanted to know if you felt better. I must admit, I’m not being entirely selfless with this call… I wanted to know if you were still okay to let Kurt believe you are still his boyfriend.” Burt held his breath. He knew if Blaine disagreed he would surely find another solution, but situation would no doubt be a lot easier if the boy gave his permission for the ruse to continue.

“Um, I… I…” Blaine was panicking again. He couldn’t help Burt, he couldn’t pretend. He barely made it last night. “Yes, of course it’s okay.” _What? No, no, no, no, no! What was wrong with him?_

“Oh, great! So are you coming back today?” _Okay, just say you can’t come today, you have to work or to do laundry or anything! Lie, just lie, you can’t go back there and let Kurt see what how useless you are. Lie, lie!_

“Um… If you’re sure I’m not going to be a burden, yes, I’ll come back.” _Seriously Blaine? It’s like you’re not even listening to your own brain now!_

“Of course you’re not a burden! This might not be the best situation for meeting you again, but we’re glad to see you, buddy.  But I’ll need to talk to you about Kurt and the boyfriend situation. We need to know what we’re going to tell him. We can’t risk saying different things. He might have lost memory, but the kid’s smart!”

Blaine and Burt talked for almost half an hour. They tried to think about all the little details that might appear in conversation and sorted them. They answered question about friends, jobs and family before hanging up. Blaine quickly took a shower and left for the hospital.

When Blaine opened the door to Kurt’s room he felt considerably less anxious than before. He had already made a fool of himself. It couldn’t get worse.

Beside Kurt, the room was empty.

“Hey.” Kurt really was beautiful even with bruise on his face and an ugly bandage around his head. “You’re back. I was afraid you didn’t feel well enough to come by today and Dad didn’t let me borrow his phone.”

Blaine sat in a chair, as far away from Kurt as possible.

“Of course I’m back. I…look, I’m sorry for last night. I should’ve handled the situation differently. I wasn’t ready to see you… like that. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.” Blaine looked up at Kurt, relieved to see that the man didn’t notice his mistake.

“You don’t have to be sorry, Blaine. You had a panic attack, it’s not like you can control those things, can you?” Kurt said warmly.

“No, of course not. But still, I’m sorry”.

“Well, you shouldn’t be sorry about that. What you should be sorry about though is not giving me a good morning kiss!”

Blaine’s eyes widened and he froze. Kissing Kurt. Giving Kurt a kiss. On the lips. He couldn’t do that, that wasn’t appropriate at all. If he did it would be like taking advantage of the situation. It was wrong to kiss him, it would be part of the pretense but morally wrong. Plus, he promised Burt he would stay away from Kurt.

“Um, it’s not like I don’t want to, but I’m not sure that’s the best idea. You have bruise all over your face. I don’t want to hurt you.” Blaine said, unsure. _You’re a terrible liar. You couldn’t even come up with something credible. He is going to discover everything._

“Oh, come on Blaine! Just a kiss!”

“I’ll hold your hand, but I won’t kiss you. I don’t want to hurt you,” Blaine said, trying to sound serious.

“Fine! Deny me what I need,” Kurt said, pouting. Blaine eye widened and his face paled, but he said nothing and came closer to the brunette to hold his hand.

They stayed in relative silence until Blaine’s questioning voice broke through.

“Where are Burt and Carole?”

“They left half an hour ago. I sent them back to their hotel - they needed real sleep and those chairs are far from being comfortable. They won’t be here for hours,” Kurt added, smirking. Blaine frowned. What was that?

“Um… okay. Do you want to watch TV? Or do you want me to read you something?” Kurt rolled his eyes before turning to whisper slyly in Blaine’s ear.

“Why don’t you lie next to me on this bed, so we can not-watch TV together?” Blaine sat there, mouth open. That was new. Kurt had never been bold with him. He was rather shy and would have never said something sexually implied. Maybe that was the aftershock.

“ Huuuuh… No, I, I’ll stay here. Thanks. Um, do you want to talk?”

Kurt attitude shifted quickly to the Kurt Blaine knew. That was weird. He needed to talk about that to Burt, or a doctor. On second thought, definitely a doctor – he wasn’t going to have a conversation about Kurt and his sexual proposition to Burt!

“I have few questions if you don’t mind?” Kurt asked shyly.

“I’ll try to answer as honestly as I can but if I think that I can’t go too much into detail, don’t push it. Okay? Remember we’re doing that for you.”

“Seems fair. So… Do we live together?” Kurt asked expectantly.

“No, we’re not. But we are thinking about it.” Blaine answered. His voice was steady and he silently thanked Burt for their discussion and for preparing him for that.

“Why not?” Kurt didn’t seem to be pleased with that answer.

“Well… we thought it would be better if we didn’t live together during university so we could actually study and enjoy the full experience of student life. “

“Of course. We would have never have been able to work if we lived together. So when are we moving in together, then?” Brilliant, Kurt seemed to be on a roll.

“We haven’t really talked about that. What else do you want to know?” Blaine asked, trying to move to another subject. One that was less uncomfortable.

“Are you working? And if yes, where?”

“I’m a teacher in high school. I am in charge of the Glee club and music classes.” Kurt was almost laughing.

“You’re like the Mr Shuester of New York!”

“Hey! That’s not fair! I’ve never given my phone number to my students!” Kurt laughed before wincing from the pain.

“Don’t make me laugh! I have bruises and casts!”  They smiled at each other and stayed like that for a moment. Kurt suddenly blushed and looked away.

“What is it, Kurt?” Blaine loved seeing Kurt blush, but he hadn’t done anything to provoke that. He wasn’t even sure how to make someone blush anymore.

“Are we… no that’s stupid! We can’t be.”

“What aren’t we?” Blaine asked. If Kurt had a question he would answer it.

“Are we….engaged?” Blaine had to concentrate to hear the last word. Kurt was looking away, redder than before.

“ … No we’re not. But only because we need to live together before making a huge decision like that.”

“Oh, well, that makes sense,” said Kurt, quickly accepting the answer and moving on.

They settled into an awkward silence after that. Blaine still hand Kurt’s hand in his. Kurt drifted to sleep and Blaine was left with his thoughts.

* * *

 

Later that day Burt and Carole came back to the hospital to find Kurt and Blaine asleep. Blaine was still holding Kurt’s hand.  They woke up the two men and Blaine left the room to go buy food.

“So, Dad,” Kurt began, “when am I leaving the hospital? I want to go home and you can’t be away from the shop too long. Wait, do you still have the shop?” Kurt worried.

“Of course I still have the shop! Kurt, I haven’t changed that much in five years!” Burt chuckled.

“Oh, well, I’m glad. So, like I said when I am allowed to leave this place? I need to go home, you need to go back to the shop. “

“I’m not leaving you, Kurt. I’ll ask Fred to take care of the shop as long as you need me,” Burt answered seriously.

“Dad, I’m thankful that you want to take care of me, but you can’t stay away from the shop! Last time you did Fred almost bankrupt it! Plus, Blaine’s here. He’ll take care of me. And that will give me a reason to make us move in together more quickly. “

Oh no. It’s not that Burt didn’t trust the boy… Man. Blaine and Kurt were men now. So, it wasn’t that he didn’t trust him. But god knows what Blaine had been up to these past five years. There were no chances that he left him alone with Kurt.

“No, kiddo. I stay here until your memory’s back,” Burt said stubbornly.

“Dad, be logical, please. We have no idea if it will come back. You can’t stay with me forever. And Blaine will be here.  He’ll take care of me while I’m in these casts and we’ll call you whenever something happens. Or doesn’t happen.”

This was getting out of hand. Logically and with his information, or lack of it, Kurt was right. Burt didn’t have any excuse to stay. But leaving Blaine alone with Kurt was also out of question.

“Kurt, I’m not comfortable with leaving you alone here.”

“I won’t be alone, Dad. I’ll be with my boyfriend that I’ve been with for seven years now. It might take a month for me to recover, or it could be years. We don’t know. I’m not a child anymore. “

Blaine came back from his trip to the cafeteria not knowing what he was entering into.

“Blaine, baby! Tell my dad that you are perfectly capable of taking care of me and that he doesn’t need to stay here with us. It will tire him out and he can’t stay away from the shop.”

Blaine stood there, with an uncomfortable look on his face. To keep up the pretense he couldn’t deny the fact that he could take care of Kurt. But would Burt be okay with this? He felt trapped.

“Well, I can take care of you. But I think that would be better if your dad stay a bit. Don’t you think?” Blaine suggested. Kurt didn’t look enchanted with the answer, but he wasn’t pissed either.

“Fine! Dad, stay. But Blaine is moving in with me so you’ll see that he can take care of me and that you can leave without worrying more quickly.”

Burt was trapped. Damn, this kid was evil! He couldn’t go against the logic. Of course he would need to leave as soon as Blaine would show that he could take care of Kurt. If they were truly together it shouldn’t be such a problem. Maybe he could talk to Blaine about it and make the situation appear as though Blaine couldn’t take care of Kurt so Burt would be able to stay. But in the meantime, he would just have to accept Kurt’s deal.

“Well, I think it means that Blaine is moving in with you then. If he is okay with it, Kurt! You can’t force someone to live with you.” Burt expected Blaine to say something, to say that he couldn’t move in for whatever reason.

“I’ll…” He couldn’t move in with Kurt, Blaine knew that. Soon it would become too much and he would lose the sight that this wasn’t real and he would keep up the pretense until it became true for him. He couldn’t accept, he had to find an excuse, something, anything.

Blaine looked up at Burt, then Carole and finally met Kurt’s eyes. They were shining, and happy, like he knew that Blaine would never deny him that. So, of course, Blaine didn’t. He was already lost.

“Of course I’ll move in,” Blaine said without breaking eye contact with Kurt.

Kurt mentally high-fived himself - his boyfriend was moving in! Why his other self didn’t talk his boyfriend into moving in was beyond his comprehension. At least he had fixed that already.


	5. Chapter 5

Blaine was standing in front of a large building. He looked down at the piece of paper in his hands to confirm the address and looked up again. So, this was where Kurt was living.  Blaine reached the top of the stairs and glared back at them before pushing open the door and stepping into a hall made of glass and marble.  He made his way around to find the elevator to reach the fifth floor. Once again following the indication on the paper Blaine find the door of Kurt’s apartment. He lightly pushed it, took a deep breath and stepped in.

The apartment was, well, very Kurt-y. Blaine followed the corridor and found the living room which was a mix of grey walls and white furniture. On the right sat a large couch and two love chairs; on his left was the kitchen. Blaine made his way to the couch and examined the table in front of it. The most recent issue of Vogue was sporting large coffee stains. Kurt’s computer sat open, his sheets were scattered and lots of pens were dispersed across the table. Blaine cautiously sat and looked around him. Kurt lived here. Kurt sat on this couch and watched TV. Kurt probably worked on this couch as well. And suddenly Blaine felt like he was invading Kurt’s space. This place belonged to a Kurt he didn’t know; he had no right to even be here, let alone do what he was going to do. Blaine closed his eye and pinched his nose in an attempt to clear his mind, and he thought about why he was doing this.

Kurt. Kurt was the reason. Kurt’s memory, to be precise. He was here to put some of his stuff in Kurt’s flat so it looked like Blaine had spent lots of time here already because he was Kurt’s boyfriend. He had been told that while he  was putting his things in Kurt’s flat, Burt would fill out all the papers to let Kurt out of the hospital and that they would met here when it was sorted.

Blaine took out one of his magazines and a book, throwing them unceremoniously on the table. Blaine tilted his head looking at his book and magazine. This wouldn’t do. He grabbed them and tried putting them under Kurt’s Vogue. That wasn’t working either. He put the magazine on one end of the table and the book on the other end. It looked weird as well. He tried to place one on the table and the other on the couch. That was even weirder.

_God, Blaine. Get a grip! Its one fucking magazine and a book, for Christ’s sake!_

Blaine took a deep breath and positioned the book on the chair and the magazine on top of Kurt’s computer before making his way to the kitchen. He put his mugs and cookies in the cupboard and his beer pack in the fridge. None of this felt right. He had the feeling that he was violating someone’s privacy. He didn’t steal the key and he knew the owner of the place but it still didn’t make this right. . Now Kurt wouldn’t approve of that. Blaine was feeling like an intruder. Blaine fought the lump in his throat and went back to the entrance. One door opened to a closet where he hung his jacket. He then opened the opposite door. Kurt’s bedroom.

Blaine walked into the room with his eyes closed. As he continued further without looking he knocked into something and fell gracelessly, forcing his eyes to flutter open and look. The room was small but homey. Kurt’s bed was huge, taking almost all the floor space. The bed was unmade, clothes were everywhere and papers were spread out the floor. Blaine stood up and inspected the bed trying to figure out which side was Kurt’s. Both sides of the bed looked used. Blaine didn’t think about that too much, not wanting to jump to any conclusion. He tried the left side first, opening the top drawer on the bedside table and closed it so quickly that the whole nightstand shook. Blaine’s heart sped up and the temperature of the room dropped. Blaine re-opened the drawer. The three dildos, the numerous packs of condoms and tube of lube were still here. What was he supposed to do with these? Urgh! He could not touch them, but in the meantime he didn’t want Kurt to find them as well. It wasn’t kinky per se but the nineteen year old Kurt never would’ve bought a dildo, and the last thing Blaine wanted was to give Kurt’s imagination little help. Blaine took a deep breath and opened the closet. Finding an old shoes box he quickly stuffed the items inside and closed it again, hiding it under the bed. That wasn’t the best hiding place but Kurt was still in casts so he had time before Kurt could crawl under there.

Blaine shivered, thinking what he put in the box, and then remembered his bag. He spread his pajamas on the bed and scattered some of his sheets for his classes around the place – and then he froze. Just next to where he placed his worksheet was a very used condom.

_You’ve got to be kidding me! Oh wait… He has a boyfriend, he has a boyfriend and he doesn’t remember him. Of course he has a boyfriend - it’s Kurt!_

Before Blaine had time to be in full panic mode, the front door opened. Blaine threw his bag on the floor to hide the condom and rush to the hall to helped Burt.

“Hi Blaine. Can you help me?” Burt clutched the hospital bag under his arm awkwardly as he pushed Kurt inside on his wheelchair.

“Sure, let me take that for you.” Blaine took the bag and disappeared to the bedroom without meeting Kurt or Burt’s gazes one second. He was trying to collect himself when he heard Kurt calling after him.

“Blaine? Babe, can you come here to help me?” Blaine made his way to the living room, his head down and a frown on his lips.

“Hi, honey! Can I have a good morning kiss?” Kurt asked smiling brightly.

“I don’t think this is a good idea, Kurt,” Blaine said, stressing Kurt’s name. “What did you want from me?” Kurt seemed confused by Blaine behavior but didn’t say a thing.

“I just wanted to see you. I missed you this morning and I couldn’t wait to be with you, that’s it.” Kurt answered warmly and almost whispering like he was saying something wrong. At the answer Blaine looked up and met Kurt’s eyes.  He seemed so little in his wheelchair: his blue eyes were almost watery and they looked so sad. Blaine couldn’t help but feel that it was his fault. He shouldn’t have talk to Kurt so coldly. This Kurt didn’t know he had a real boyfriend, this Kurt didn’t throw used condoms around his room but most importantly: Kurt, no matter which version of him, wasn’t his. He had no right to be jealous or to feel betrayed. He wasn’t Kurt’s boyfriend, not really, and he was here to help while Kurt was in recovery. That was it. He had to talk to Burt about it though.

“I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. It was a difficult morning; I’m sorry - really sorry.” Burt chose this moment to come back to the living room, mugs in hand.

“You alright, Blaine? You didn’t seem too good when we arrived.”

“Oh no, I’m good… But, um, I need to talk to you, Burt.” Burt nodded and followed Blaine to kitchen. They closed the doors and lowered their voices to a whisper.

“Burt, I… Well, um… Why didn’t you tell me that Kurt has a boyfriend? This situation can’t really please him.”

“What are you talking about? Kurt doesn’t have a boyfriend.” Burt didn’t say more, he knew Kurt didn’t have a boyfriend and hadn’t had one since Blaine. He also knew that his son had multiple partners but didn’t want to think too much about it. He also didn’t think this was something Blaine should know.

“Oh , but, um, well…Are you sure?” Burt stared at Blaine, assured.

“Yes Blaine, I’m sure. Don’t worry about some man poking his head into the apartment and claiming being Kurt’s boyfriend.” Blaine didn’t seem completely happy with Burt’s answer but dropped the subject anyway.

“Okay. I was just…making sure. I put some of my stuff around the place and I found a spare blanket so I’ll be able to sleep on the couch tonight… Or I could just go back to my place!” Blaine winced while quickly adding the last part. He didn’t want to impose.

“Kurt is not going to be happy if you go back to your place the first night he is out of the hospital. You can stay here. Plus, I’ll show you how to help him clean. I’ll call someone to help him during the day while you’re working. And we need to talk about something else, but later today.” With that Burt let himself out of the room and went back to his son.

In the bedroom Blaine put on some sweats. If he was going to stay the day, he could at least try to be comfortable and it would look like he felt at home in Kurt’s apartment - like it was a normal occurrence for him. Taking some of his papers to work on, he returned to the others. Burt and Kurt were in deep conversation. He sat in a chair facing them, staying awkwardly quiet.

“What are those papers?” Kurt finally asked.

“This is some test I need to grade and I need to find ideas for the next glee club class.” Blaine didn’t look thrilled at this idea. Burt was watching the match that was on TV silently, letting Blaine and Kurt talking and giving Blaine time to adjuste to the situation while being sure the kid didn’t do anything suspicious.

“And don’t you like teaching glee club?” Kurt looked confused. Music always had been such a huge part of Blaine’s life. He used it to express his feelings and he let himself drown into music to get the strength he needed and come back to real world. Blaine needed music and loved it, but teaching it didn’t seem to be very appealing to him.

“Oh well, no, I… I really enjoy teaching music and glee club. I just...” Blaine put down his work and came closer to Kurt. This way he didn’t need to yell to be sure Kurt would hear him. Kurt tilted his head and smiled at Blaine. Blaine let out a breath and told Kurt truthfully.

“I just really don’t know what I’m doing.” Blaine hadn’t meant to be that honest. He wasn’t proud of how he was teaching his classes and he certainly didn’t want Kurt to know that. It was humiliating enough that he poured his heart out like that; he wasn’t going to reveal everything else. Kurt was still a stranger to him. But it felt like he could talk to him about everything and anything. He had no boundaries with Kurt, and that alone scared him to no end.

“I really don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know what I want to teach them. I’m the teacher and I have no idea where my lessons are going.” Kurt looked warmly at Blaine, and with his able arm he reached to take his hand. Blaine froze at the action and relaxed when Kurt started to draw circles in his palm with his thumb.

Burt chose that moment to stand up and loudly suggest that Kurt should rest. They brought Kurt to the bedroom, Blaine running ahead to push the clothes out of the way and quickly looking around to check if there was anything else that needed to be hidden. They settled Kurt on the bed and then retreated to the living room.

“Okay, Blaine. We need to talk,” Blaine looked sheepishly at Burt before nodding, “I am going to go back to Lima very soon. I thought I could stay here and look after him, reason with him into letting me stay so we wouldn’t have to leave you alone with him. But the kid is nothing but determined. He grew suspicious when I told him that you didn’t need to know how to help him clean himself because I’ll do it all the time. I know I am asking a lot of you but would you mind moving in more permanently with Kurt to keep up the pretense for a little while? I’ll hire a nurse so you won’t have to take care of him.” Blaine’s eyes almost popped out of his head. Burt was going to leave him alone with Kurt. Sure, he wouldn’t have to do so much but still: How can someone put enough trust in him to leave his son alone with him? But he had to do it. He couldn’t let Kurt down.

“Of course, I’ll do it. I’ll stay here.”

“Good. Thank you so much Blaine. I don’t know how to tell you how grateful I am. But I need to set some rules. You are going to pretend to be his boyfriend, so maybe at some point this is going to be very confusing for you. But remember that this is all play pretend. So I don’t want you to sleep in the same bed than Kurt nor do I want you to have sex with him.” Both Burt and Blaine winced at that, before collecting themselves. “But for the sake of the pretense I think you can hug him and if it’s really necessary kiss him. But not making out!” This discussion was less than comfortable but at least Blaine knew the limits to the pretense.

“I’m trusting you with my son, Blaine. Okay?” Burt looked intimidating and Blaine gulped and nodded again. Burt spent the rest of the day watching TV, Blaine sat grading tests. Kurt was still sleeping when dinner time arrived so they just ate in silence.

As Blaine was eating he tried to process everything that had happened. He had moved in with his ex-boyfriend, was going to be alone with him and live in the same apartment with him, share everything like a real boyfriend would. Not only that, he had also found a rather large collection of condoms. He had numerous embarrassing conversations with Burt, who was putting his son in his care. This was overwhelming. Blaine’s life was calm. Calm and clean. Nothing ever happened to him anymore. He grew to love the monotony of his life. The loneliness and emptiness weren’t so suffocating anymore. This was. All the people talking to him, expecting things from him, surrounding him and looking at him – it was oppressive. He needed something but had no idea what. So many emotions were crushing him that his chest felt constricted. But still he had no idea how to let all of this out in order to see the situation clearly.

Burt made his way to Kurt’s room. He cleaned him for the night, helped him with his skin care, although not without lots of yelling and bickering. He then gave Blaine the number of his hotel, his cellphone number, and told him he would return in the morning by 10. He then left.

Blaine sat down on the floor to collect his thoughts.

“Blaine?” Kurt’s soft voice pierced the heavy silence. Blaine stepped into the bedroom and made his way to Kurt’s bedside.

“Do you need anything?” Blaine was proud of him, for the first time his voice hadn’t croaked and could be interpreted as calm.

“I was wondering when you’d be coming to bed. I’m not going to be able to stay up for long and I’d really like to fall asleep with you here.” Kurt looked at Blaine expectantly. His pleading blue eyes didn’t help Blaine’s cause.

“I’m sorry Kurt; I can’t sleep in bed with you. I might hurt you during the night and I don’t want that.  I am going to sleep on the couch for as long as you have the cast.” Kurt looked so sad and crushed; Blaine wanted to see him smile again but he had to deny him.

“Can you at least kiss me good night? Since I woke up all you’ve done is hold my hand.” If Blaine thought Kurt’s face before was sad, his expression now was heartbreaking. It looked like Kurt thought Blaine didn’t want to kiss him, when really Blaine was fighting against himself not to. If he kissed him the first night they were alone he knew he would break all the rules quickly and he couldn’t let that happen. For both him and Kurt. So he didn’t kiss Kurt on the lips, but instead kissed his forehead. He could have sworn that whilst closing the door he heard Kurt sobbing.

* * *

 

 The next morning Blaine woke up after hitting the floor pretty hard. It took a few minutes for him to remember where he was and what he was doing there. It took him a further ten minutes to find the coffee maker and an extra five more to find what he needed to make coffee.  It was 9.30, Burt would be here soon. Blaine quietly checked on Kurt and found him still sleeping. He then sat on the couch and waited for Burt. Waiting was good, waiting was calming. It was all he needed.

When Burt arrived he informed Blaine that a nurse would be coming the day after so Blaine could go back to work. After waking up Kurt, Burt showed Blaine how to help the brunette. It was a very awkward situation and the three men were blushing furiously by the end of it. At least it was done. They laid Kurt on the couch and Burt took a chair. At noon Burt explained which pills Kurt was to take at lunch and which one were for the nighttime – not that Blaine would have to do it that much since the nurse would be here. The rest of the day was spent watching television and chatting. When night came, Burt let Blaine alone with Kurt as he had done the night before.

Kurt called Blaine again. He asked for a goodnight kiss again. Blaine, just like the night before, kissed Kurt lightly on the forehead and made his way out. This time he was sure that he had heard Kurt crying.

* * *

 

 Blaine was rushing out the building few minutes after Burt had arrived. He was going to be late for work, he was sure of it.

Burt had arrived a bit late and was now waiting for the nurse. She came around 9 and they chat amicably while filling the papers. They talked about Kurt, his medicine, his memory loss, the cast and the hospital. The nurse took care of Kurt but not without Burt being here to make sure everything was okay.

“Dad, can you let Anita do her job! She is more than qualified to look after me while Blaine’s working and you being here makes me uncomfortable!” Burt mumbled something incoherent and closed the door behind him.

“Thank, dear” Anita said with a smile “Relatives are always so protective so it’s difficult to get rid of them”. They both chuckled as she finished cleaning Kurt’s wounds.

Kurt had been sure that it would be embarrassing to be helped so much by someone he didn’t know, but Anita was very pleasant and trustworthy. For the rest of the day Kurt settled down and chatted to his dad and nurse.

Hours later Blaine came back from work, frowning and looking exhausted, but he quickly changed moods when he met Anita. They made small talk and then the nurse left . Burt, Kurt and Blaine ate together and Burt, for the first time, let Blaine settle Kurt in bed.

“Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Yeah, sure kiddo,” Burt said, closing the door, “What’s up?”

“I… It’s Blaine.” Burt tightened his fist and looked ready to kill.

“What about Blaine?”

“He… nothing, I was being stupid. Can you ask him to come in?” Burt looked suspiciously at Kurt and shrugged before calling Blaine. He said his goodbyes and let himself out of the flat.

Blaine entered the bedroom and sat on the verge of the bed.

“How are you Kurt?”

“I’m okay. Anita seems really nice and I am so glad she’s my nurse! It could’ve been worse. How was your day?”

“It was okay, I guess.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, no I’m fine.”

“Can I ask you a favor, honey?” Kurt looked unsure and only continued after Blaine nodded. “Could you sing to me…like you used to do? Do we still sing to each other?”

Blaine sat back a little farther away from Kurt. He looked like he wanted to run away and never come back, Kurt thought.

“Um… I don’t really feel like singing Kurt, I… I don’t know. Uh… I-I’ll think about it okay?” He kissed Kurt on the forehead once again and escaped the room as quickly as he could.

Blaine didn’t know what to do. Kurt was pushing him. He was pushing beyond Blaine’s boundaries and beyond his comfort zone. He unknowlingly asked exactly for what Blaine couldn’t give to him, and every time Blaine refused something to Kurt it hurt him more than he could ever have imagined. To complete it all, his day had been atrocious. He had faced a mutiny in glee club and had to cancel the lesson. Blaine was failing. He couldn’t handle several situations at the same time. He wasn’t able to give Kurt all the attention he needed and be an almost decent teacher. He couldn’t concentrate in class with his mind always with Kurt. It was the first day and Blaine was drowning. He didn’t know what to do but couldn’t admit that he wasn’t able to deal with both situations. He was utterly alone and completely lost. He was also broken by the mere sight of Kurt. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to say no to this goodnight kiss for long. 

* * *

 

For the rest of the week the days were pretty much the same. Blaine would wait for Burt or Anita to arrive before leaving for work. Burt, Anita and Kurt would spent the day chatting or watching TV.  At the end of the day Blaine would join them and they would eat together. Carole had to get back to Lima quickly after Kurt was let out of the hospital because she couldn’t take any more days off work. So, it was just the three of them.

Finally, Friday night was upon them and it was Burt’s last night in New York before he needed to fly back. He had a long talk with Kurt about the memory loss, his job and had answered all the questions Kurt could have. He then had another conversation with Blaine. It didn’t last long, and soon left to say goodbye to his son after making Kurt promise to call every day. He bid farewell to Blaine too, trying to sound intimidating and nice at the same time. Blaine closed the door behind Burt and let himself slide down the door and onto the floor.

He was now completely alone with Kurt. Well, not completely since Anita was here. Then again, she was only during the week. That weekend Kurt and Blaine were alone.

“Blaine?” Kurt’s voice snapped Blaine out of his daydream.

“Yes?”

“Is he gone?”

“Yes, Burt just left. Do you want me to call him?”

“No, silly. I was just making sure we were alone.” Blaine frowned: why would Kurt want to make sure they were alone? “Come on, Blaine, please, sit on the bed with me.”

Blaine did as he was told, and, as usual, Kurt asked for his good night kiss. Blaine was leaning in to kiss Kurt’s forehead when he felt Kurt’s hand grabbing his shirt and tugging him closer. Their faces were so close that he could feel Kurt’s warm breath on his skin and could smell Kurt’s body wash. Kurt looked straight into Blaine’s eyes and whispered to him.

“Now that we are all alone, maybe you could take care of me and be my personal nurse? What do you think?” Blaine’s throat was suddenly very dry. “It appears that I might have a little problem that needs to be taking care of.” Blaine swallowed with difficulty and retreated from Kurt hand. He didn’t trust his voice and so he simply shook his head.

Kurt’s behavior shifted instantly and a look of dejection appeared on his face. Blaine didn’t know if Kurt really looked smaller than before but he was sure that if Kurt didn’t have the cast on he would have rolled up into a ball.

“Leave me alone, Blaine, please.” Blaine tried to talk, to tell Kurt that he wanted it; he wanted to kiss him everywhere, anywhere, to say yes to every desire Kurt might have, to stay in bed with him and to sing to him… But he couldn’t do that. “Blaine, please, just…. Leave.” Kurt seemed so rejected and upset, but Blaine didn’t trust himself in that moment. So, he just exited the room and settled on the couch, putting the blanket over his head.

He wanted to go back to the room, to hug him and tell him how beautiful he was and how much he wanted him. But this wasn’t the real Kurt. The real Kurt didn’t want him and Blaine couldn’t let himself fall for the trick. He knew the moment he let himself fall even a little bit he would be lost in it all. So he had to fight against his feelings. He couldn’t give Kurt everything he thought he wanted. But in the end that was for the best.

Right?


	6. Chapter 6

Blaine woke up on Saturday morning, a ray of light warm on his face. He remembered the last night and all the things he couldn't give to Kurt but wanted to anyway. He crossed the flat and sneaked a look into Kurt's room. He was still sleeping but didn't look at peace. There was a frown on his forehead and his eyes looked puffy, like he had cried all night. Blaine came closer to the bed and caressed Kurt's hair, whispering to him;

"Wake up, sleepyhead."

"Hi." Kurt answered sleepily, barely containing a yawn.

"How about a lazy Saturday? Hot cocoa, movies and blankets? What do you think?" Blaine proposed. He couldn't kiss Kurt, or hug him, not even tell him how much he cared about him, but he could at least give him a Saturday full of unspoken love and take care of him.

"That sounds amazing. Help me?"

So Blaine helped Kurt. He helped him to wash and then settled him on the couch. Blaine disappeared in the kitchen to make the promised hot cocoa and while the milk was warming he went back to the room. When he returned to Kurt he built around him a fort made of blankets and pillows. He settled the mugs on the table and sat next to the couch, on the floor to see the TV. They sipped their cocoa in silence while watching the movie until Kurt put his hand in Blaine hair and started stroking his curls. And for a while they just sat there, movie playing, enjoying the calm moment, Kurt happily giving Blaine's head a massage and Blaine enjoying it. It was soothing for both of them. Kurt was finally able to reach for his boyfriend and touch him without Blaine running away or flinching. And Blaine could just savour the fact that someone was taking the time to take care of him, to see him and feel that long-gone connection with Kurt.

Blaine put the back of his head against the couch and locked eyes with Kurt, both smiling and relishing this peaceful moment, all worries gone. In that moment Blaine didn't care that Kurt didn't remember everything, it didn't matter that this Kurt was not the real Kurt, he was the Kurt he knew and who had loved him. There was no memory loss, no pretending and no act. It was just sweet and full of caring.

"Where's lunch? I'm starving and it's too fucking early for me to make phone calls so I'm not ordering if nothing's ready." Shoot Sebastian while slamming the door and making a noisy entrance. "It looks like a bad LGBTI meeting in here, or a remake of a sad French movie. What the hell are you doing on the floor…Blaine?"

It took them a whole minute to understand what was happening. Sebastian had just barged in Kurt's flat and was looking at them suspiciously.

"Well, well, well. How are you doing, Granny Smurf?" Blaine winced at the nickname and lead Sebastian to the kitchen.

"We'll be back in a minute Kurt. I need to talk to Sebastian." Blaine didn't hear the answer but saw Kurt's hand flying and dismissing them. He then turned to face Sebastian and his evil grin. Blaine had no idea why Sebastian was here, or how he even know where Kurt lived. Was this an alternative world where everything was messed up? But before Blaine had time to form a coherent sentence Sebastian interrupted his thoughts.

"So are you settling ok? Is the flat to your convenience? When did you have sex with Kurt?" Blaine stood there, mouth open, agape.

"Hum, well, no, I didn't sleep with Kurt, of course not."

"Why not?"

"Why not?" Blaine chuckled humorlessly, "because it wouldn't be right, because Kurt isn't himself and even if he thinks he wants to I know it's not the truth. I will not take advantage of the situation."

Sebastian looked at him intensely, searching for the lie or any wrong intentions but after a while he just relaxed and put a hand on Blaine shoulder.

"Well, at least it's that. I'm going to say it just once so listen carefully: if you touch Kurt, if you fuck him, if you break his heart or do anything that I judge to be inappropriate I will end you. Mark my words, Birdy: I will end you. Are we clear?" Blaine did nothing but gulp loudly and nod. "Fine. With that said, what did you tell him that I need to know not to screw up this shitty situation?"

So Blaine explained everything, sparing no details. If Sebastian was staying here, and it looked like it, he needed to be informed about everything. At the end of his monologue Blaine remembered that he still had no idea why or how Sebastian did get here in the first place and, most importantly, what was his relationship with Kurt?

"Let's go back to Kurt, he must be wondering what is taking us so long. It might be funny."

And as Sebastian guessed, Kurt was still under all the pillows and the blanket, arms crossed and pouting.

"Don't pout, Princess Gwenevere. You'll have wrinkles and Jewel Rider over there won't stay around." Kurt just glared at him instead.

"What took you so long? Don't you see each other all the time and send texts to each other?"

"I was giving Blaine the best blowjob he ever had. It's real work, it takes time." Blaine yelped at that and Kurt snapped his head to see him.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me! Sebastian, get out of my place. And don't you dare come near my boyfriend again or even look at him. I will not go through all your manipulations and flirting again. Leave." And with that Kurt just pointed at the door and waited for Sebastian to move. Blaine stood there, knowing that now wasn't the moment to speak.

"Ok, calm down" Sebastian sat in a chair in front of the couch and smiled at Kurt. "I won't go after your boyfriend and you won't threaten me. But just so you know your casts and your magnificent blanket armor aren't giving you any credibility. I just came here to have time with Gay Face. So Blaine, you can go. I'll take care of Kurt. Don't come back until late tonight." Blaine fidgeted on the couch. He couldn't leave Kurt with Sebastian, they weren't even friends. Were they?

"Sebastian, I will not spend a whole day with you just because you scream to everyone that might want or not to listen to you that we are friends. I don't trust you, I don't remember being friends with you, and I don't feel comfortable around you."

"But, Kurt, that's exactly why I'm here!" Sebastian looked positively evil in that moment. He also looked like nothing would make him change his mind. So Kurt just sighed and agreed to the stupid idea.

"Fine. I am going to have a marvelous time with you today. Just so you know you are buying lunch and you are apologizing for kicking Blaine out of our place."

Sebastian and Blaine looked wide-eyed at Kurt. He seems so sure of him and so proud to call the flat theirs. Blaine knew he should say something, correct Kurt. But he couldn't. It was all he ever wanted to, it what was he was longing for. He couldn't correct Kurt. He just wanted this little thing at least, if he couldn't have the rest. The prospect of what it could've been. He just wanted that. So he let himself out of the flat, out of the building and walked to his and Cooper's.

He quietly entered the place. It was silent. The silence there was ponderous. Blaine quickly made his way to the couch and turned the TV on. He didn't really pay attention to the program that went on. He didn't have to, he didn't want to. All his thoughts were for Kurt.

The situation was difficult. Of course he knew it. He knew it from the start. But he didn't know before how difficult it would actually be. Being in Kurt presence all the time was overwhelming. Denying him the very basics of a relationship was difficult, especially when he wanted to do it so badly. But it would be so wrong on so many levels. It wasn't fair for Kurt or for him. But in the meantime old Kurt, the one that didn't remember didn't have a healthy relationship with his boyfriend either. Blaine was hurting the old Kurt by doing nothing and if he actually let himself fall a bit more into the pretense he would later hurt the Kurt who knew the whole story. He didn't know what to do, had no idea who to talk to about it. It was like standing in front of cliff and feeling a strong wind pushing him, seeing himself falling but always staying on the verge of it. Blaine didn't know how to word the sensation, how to express it. He was completely lost in the situation. He was also so confused. Kurt was so nice to him even if he was hurting him. The morning had been so sweet and had made him feel complete. They had the chance to be just them for a short time but it had been enough to see what it could've been, to let himself morph into the boyfriend he was supposed to be if he just crossed the thin line.

He needed something, but he didn't know what. He needed a way out for his emotions. He needed to express everything, anything but didn't know how.

Suddenly he stood up, grabbed his keys and shut the door. He walked all the way to Jeff and Nick's pub and pushed the door. It was barely 6.00pm when he arrived and the open mic didn't start for half an hour. So he climbed the stairs and start looking for one of the two owners.

Actually Jeff found Blaine and jumped on his back.

"Blaine! You came! Finally! I was planning to come and capture you. But Nicky thought it was stupid and dangerous. Did you come here to sing or just drink?" Jeff was still on Blaine's back, piggy-back style. He was also screaming in Blaine's ears but didn't seem to want to lower his voice anyway.

"I'm here and I wanted to sing, if it's okay with you guys of course. I don't want to impose or to mess up your schedule or anything." Blaine carefully put down Jeff and turn around to see him. Jeff gave him a quick hug and disappeared in the back of the hallway. When he came back Nick was following him, a big smile on his face.

"Blaine! Man, it's been so long since the last time. You okay?"

"Hum, yes, I'm good. Can I sing tonight? It's open mic night, right? Because I can go if it's not tonight and…" He didn't have time to finish what he was about to say as Nick cut him.

"You want to sing? Jeff give me the list, hum let me see. Yep you can sing tonight. Of course you can sing tonight! I'm so glad you came. Jeff had already come up with a plan and outfit to come and capture you if you didn't show up anytime soon." Nick give him a bright smile and put his arm around Jeff, quickly kissing his cheek . "So, any reason for you to sing tonight? Courting someone?"

Blaine blushed furiously. Courting Kurt by singing to him in front of large crowd was kind of his thing, yes, but tonight he was here to try to sort thing out, or at least to let everything out. He couldn't contain all his emotions and worries. He needed a way out and after all this time he turned to music, again.

"Hum, no. I just want to sing for…myself."

"That's great too. You're up first. Let me introduce you and then you can sing all you want."

Nick left and Jeff lead Blaine downstairs. They ordered drinks and waited for Nick to come in front of the scene and start the open mic night. Jeff was bouncing in his seat. But he knew Blaine too well to push him into talking. He hadn't seen him in two years and it seems like a huge step for Blaine to gather the courage to come to their club. So he wouldn't push him. Well, not tonight. Nick appeared and introduced Blaine.

Blaine took a deep breath, went to the stage and stood in front of the crowd. He looked at them and realized what he was going to do. For the first time in many years he was going to sing. But curiously the fear wasn't the feeling that flowed under his skin. He felt the adrenaline and the need to be on stage. He grabbed the guitar that was in a corner and sat on the stool. He looked one more time at the crowd and then closed his eyes to let all his insecurities, all his questions and problems drown into the lyrics. He started to play and nothing else mattered. He was strong again.

 

There are ways I've fallen  
There are times I've been so weak  
There are moments when I hear redemption calling  
But I'm too far down to speak

Come sweet fire of mercy  
Cover up my skin  
Warm me like the sun  
Won't you let me in  
To come, come undone

There are scars that I've been hiding  
There are ghosts that I do not name  
There are closets I do not care to open  
They open all the same

Come sweet fire of mercy  
Cover up my skin  
Warm me like the sun  
Won't you let me in  
To come, come undone

 

Kurt was fuming. He was trapped with Sebastian for the rest of the day. How brilliant. He was completely at his mercy since he couldn't move. He couldn't wait for the day they would finally remove his casts. In two weeks. That was way too far for his liking. Sebastian didn't seem to want to move so they just sat in silence for half an hour. Then Kurt decided that he might as well take advantage of the situation.

"Sebastian?"

"Oh, so now you're talking to me. I feel blessed"

"I've talked to rats before, don't put your head over this. I actually have an important question so for once in your life be serious." This was the moment for Kurt to ask all the questions he wanted. About his job, their friendship, his dad, his family, anything. But he had to ask about Blaine. Because it was killing him. Blaine seemed so cold and distant. He acted like he wasn't in love with him anymore. And he didn't know what the other him had done to Blaine for him to act like that, but he couldn't stand it. He didn't want Blaine to stay away from him. He wanted to hug him, to talk to him to sleep, to feel his arm around him and to find a way to sleep in the same bed even if it was awkward because of the casts. So he had to ask.

"What happened with Blaine? What did I do?" The question was so quiet that Sebastian almost missed it. When he understood the meaning behind it he narrowed his eyes.

"Why do you think you did something? Did he put any blame on you?" Kurt looked shocked.

"No! Of course not! But he is so distant. It's like he is not my boyfriend anymore. The Blaine I know is full of life, always bouncing and singing and smiling. He doesn't come near me anymore. He looks at me with terror in his eye, even envy sometimes. It's so confusing. Why am I even telling you about it? It's not like you can understand."

"So he is distant. How?" Sebastian needed to evaluate the situation before saying anything. He couldn't advise Kurt on how to charm someone he had broken up with but didn't remember.

"He barely touches me…"

"So you guys had sex!"

"No!" Kurt shouted, and then blushed furiously because he was talking about his sex life with Sebastian of all people. "No we haven't had sex since I woke up in the hospital. I don't know about it before that. Obviously…But he… he barely looks at me, he doesn't really touch me or hug me. He doesn't kiss me. He doesn't sleep in our bed and… He hasn't said 'I love you' either." Kurt was on the verge of crying. He had no one to talk to about it for a week and being rejected by his boyfriend that long without knowing what to do or having someone to talk about had been hard. And curiously it was easy for Kurt to open up to Sebastian. Like he had done it before and his body remembered that Sebastian could be trust.

_That silly, Sebastian can't be trust, why I am talking to him? Why I am having an inner monologue as well. Oh my god, stop it. Just stop it._

"Blaine became really shy and from what I gathered insecure." Sebastian was making things up and trying to remember the few things he had thought had changed in Blaine in the few minutes he had talked to him.

"Yes I saw that too. But how? Why? What did I do that he can't look at me?"

"I don't know. Life's happened." Sebastian shrugged. Because really, he didn't know. He hadn't seen Blaine in years and hadn't asked for news from the others Warblers.

"That's a shitty answer, Smythe. Life doesn't happen just like that."

"Just give him time. This is difficult for him, he needs to adapt and then things will be better." _and I also need to have a good talk with him_ Sebastian added silently in his head.

Kurt was frustrated. Sebastian wasn't helping, he wasn't answering his question at all.

"How did we become friends already?" Kurt wondered out loud

"You tried to get into my pants and because I'm a gentleman I politely declined and offered you my friendship." Sebastian answered, smirking at him.

"You're lying. I didn't try to get into your pants. "

"But babe, you want my body, stop fighting, it's alright. I'm hot, that's understandable."

"Would you just stop it! I didn't try to have sex with you and I don't want to. Just answer the question. How did we become friends? We hate each other!"

"And that's the very basis of our friendship, Little Pony. We hate each other's guts because we are way too similar. But it works, and when we are not fighting we can enjoy each other's company. It happened at the end of your first year of college. "Sebastian didn't mention that they had actually tried to sleep with each other, or that he came to him after the break up. This wouldn't do with the lie that Kurt was living in.

Sebastian stood up and moved Kurt so he was resting against his shoulder. He put on the TV and watched it for the rest of the afternoon.

When Blaine come back to Kurt's his head was clear. He hadn't felt like that in years. Singing didn't solve any of his problems, he still had lots of things to do and to sort out. But he was feeling better, he had the sensation that he wasn't drowning anymore but that he could swim and put his head out of the water at least. When he opened the door and get to the living room he found Sebastian and Kurt sleeping calmly, wrapped into each other.

He woke up Sebastian and they settled in the kitchen.

"So Shorty. You're clean. For now. You didn't sleep with Kurt and you didn't do anything to molest him. But be more attentive to him, be nicer or stuff that boyfriends do. Because you are doing a shitty job at it. If you can't pretend you shouldn't have taken the job in the first place. He is miserable and that's completely your fault. So kiss him goodnight, hug him, look at him and tell him that he doesn't look fat in his new dress. Okay?"

Blaine nodded silently. Was it like Sebastian's way of telling him he should act like a real boyfriend and stop fighting against himself and let the situation be? Sebastian must have read the confusion on Blaine face because he added:

"But don't you dare have sex with him. If you value your penis, don't go near Kurt. Alright?" Once again Blaine nodded but didn't say anything else. Sebastian gathered his things when Blaine remembered Kurt's phone.

"Sebastian? Do you know what the code to open Kurt's phone is? His father didn't know and …"

"Yeah let me write it for you"

Blaine handed a paper and a pen to Sebastian who wrote down a number and then left. Blaine was still confused about the how and why Sebastian was friends with Kurt. It didn't seem logical to him, but again, nothing in his current situation seemed logical.

He carried Kurt to the room and laid him down. He couldn't stand though because Kurt had grasped his shirt and he couldn't help but lay next to him. Kurt opened an eye to look at him and smiled.

"So you're finally here." Kurt was calm and looking adoringly at Blaine. "Would you please stay with me? The couch must be really uncomfortable. I should know; I spend my days on it. Please, just for the night?" Kurt's voice was soft and carried so much expectation. Blaine felt strong enough that he could give this to Kurt. He could just sleep next to him and not fall for the trick. He could be the fake boyfriend and not let himself believe something else.

"Yes, I'll sleep here tonight. Let me just turn off the light and I'll be back in a minute okay?"

"Sure." Kurt's smile emptied Blaine of any form of resistance. If saying yes to Kurt gave him the right to see that smile then he would say yes to everything.

He quickly turned off the lights and locked the front door. Then he remembered Kurt's phone. He reached for the paper with the number on it and opened the phone. He wanted to be sure that nothing would ruin the pretense. He was just going to check quickly into the phone and give it back to Kurt. The phone began to buzz rapidly.

 

_From Aaron:_

_Hi babe, come over tonight. We both need release._

 

_From Paul:_

_In an hour, at the Corner's café. I need a quicky. You're in?_

 

_From Raoul:_

_I want you so bad. Last time was really good. Come over._

 

A dozen of texts appeared on Kurt's phone. Blaine didn't read them all. He felt sick and lost. Once again. So Kurt was what? Having sex with loads of men? He was attractive, of course men would want to sleep with him. But he always thought that sex for Kurt was something special. A bond that he was making with someone special. But mostly Blaine was hurt. This was the proof that the new Kurt didn't think about him at all anymore. That he had moved on and forgotten about him. That Blaine was just the high school boyfriend that you hide because you're ashamed you ever dated someone like him. Insecurity rushed back. Loneliness followed quickly. He stood there for a while, not knowing how to move.

He shut down the phone and get back to the room. Kurt was waiting for him patiently. Blaine had to remind himself that he had in front of him the old Kurt. The one that hadn't slept with anyone but him and that this Kurt hadn't done anything to hurt him. Yet.

So Blaine climbed into the bed, pulled the blanket over him and Kurt, and tried not to look too devastated.

"Blaine?"

"Hum?"

"Can I…Would you… Would you give me a real goodnight kiss, please?" Kurt whispered to the dark room. Blaine remembered what Sebastian had told him. It must have taken Kurt lots of courage to ask this of him.

It had been a long day. Hell, a long week. Singing for the first time in years had given him strength that he didn't think he had again. And the texts he read had made him sick. He wanted Kurt. He wanted him to be his. He wanted to be the best fake boyfriend anyone ever had. He wanted to fall into the lie and never get back to reality. He wanted Kurt, he wanted him so badly. And after all these years he had the chance to maybe have a little taste of it. Just one more time before the end. One last time and then Kurt's memory would come back. But he had to take that chance, he was tired of fighting. For once he just wanted to take.

So Blaine leaned on his elbow and gently turned Kurt's head so they were facing. Blaine's fingers slowly ran along Kurt jaw and he delicately cupped his face. He looked into Kurt's eye before putting his lips softly on Kurt's.

"Goodnight, Beautiful."

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Blaine started to wake on Sunday morning. For the first time in a week his back didn't hurt and he felt surrounded by the warm and welcomed feeling of being safe. Someone was slowly stroking his hair and he smiled at that, turning his head into the pillow. But he didn't meet the soft fabric of it, his nose meeting a strong body and the smell of man, lemon and Kurt hit his nostrils. Blaine quickly opened his eyes and carefully looked up. Kurt was watching him, patiently running his hand through Blaine's hair. Blaine's eyes locked with Kurt's and they just stayed wrapped into one another for a few more minutes, smiling and enjoying the intimacy.

"Hi." Kurt slowly whispered, afraid of breaking the charm of the moment, "I didn't want to wake you up; you looked so peaceful and calm."

Blaine just smiled and nothing more. He wasn't ready to get out of bed and give up on the moment. This was precious, this was one of the moments that he should cherish. He would never have thought he'd be able to share something like that with Kurt again and didn't know if he would again. So Blaine pushed his luck a little bit more.

"Blaine, baby?" Kurt waited to see if Blaine was listening before going on, "Baby, I'm starving here. Would you mind bringing me a granola bar if you don't want to cook?"

"Hum, breakfast in bed? Can I have a granola too?" Kurt smiled at his gorgeous boyfriend. Today was the day he wanted him to open up so any treat and trick would do.

"Sure, bring as many as you want and coffee as well. We are going to spend the morning in bed." At that Blaine extracted himself from Kurt and smiled wildly at him before going to the kitchen.

Kurt wanted to talk about lots of things. He had many questions but couldn't start with any one. Obviously Blaine wasn't completely comfortable around him and he didn't want to scare off his boyfriend. But he needed to know why or how his boyfriend had become this shy little thing. He also wanted to know more about his job and the magazine, or about their lives now that they were both in New York.

Blaine came back with the whole packet of granola bars, some fruits and two mugs of coffee. He settled the tray on the bed, helped Kurt to sit and fell at his side. He handed Kurt one of the mugs and waited to see if he'd done it correctly. When he saw Kurt beaming at him he relaxed and took a sip of his coffee as well.

"So, I want to know more," Kurt started, noticing that Blaine had stiffened immediately, "Tell me more about you."

Blaine stared at Kurt with a blank face. He had no idea how to answer that, no clue how to start. He tried to think about something, anything that could interest Kurt. But the truth was that his life was completely empty.

"What do you want to know?" _Yes Blaine, answer with a question, smooth really, you seriously couldn't think of anything else?_

"Let's see, hum. How do you take your coffee now?" Not the question Kurt wanted to ask but he knew better than blatantly attack his boyfriend with questions he wasn't ready for.

Blaine looked down at his mug, "The exact same way as before."

"The other day, when you were grading those tests, you told me a little bit about your job. I'd like you to talk to me about it, please." Kurt waited for Blaine to gather his thoughts, half praying that it wasn't a sore subject.

"I love my job, but I suck at it. There's nothing else to say about it, really." Kurt stayed silent at the admission, knowing that the silence would push Blaine to talk some more.

"I love the kids, well, some of them are pure evil, but I love them. And they are all expecting something from glee club and I have no idea what it is. I am completely lost and I am losing their interest and respect as well." Blaine couldn't look up. He had shared one of the things he was the most ashamed of in his life and he couldn't bear to look at Kurt and see all the disappointment in his eyes. Yes, he was horrible at teaching. Yes, he was terrible as a role model and he had just admitted it to one of the people whose opinion mattered the most to him. He knew that at any moment Kurt was just going to laugh at him, or tell him that it wasn't really a surprise that he was such a disaster at teaching. What Blaine didn't expect was Kurt soft voice and a comforting hand on his arm.

"Hey, it's okay to be a little lost. No one expects you to be perfect on your first try. Maybe brainstorming ideas with one of your friends at work could help you?"

Blaine was looking at Kurt with wide eyes and heard himself ask, "Which friend?" He winced at that. No, that was definitely not something he had wanted to say.

Kurt gently squeezed Blaine's arm to catch his attention again, "Or maybe we could brainstorm together?"

Blaine was so embarrassed. He had just admit that he was one of the most terrible teachers he had ever heard of, almost Will Schuester level, and Kurt, out of pity, just offered to help. Blaine didn't know where to look or how to react. This was not what he had expected for his morning in bed.

"How do you run a lesson usually?" Blaine was still avoiding Kurt face, and he settled on a magnificent sock on the floor instead of the man beside him.

"The lesson runs itself." Blaine whispered. This was getting worse and worse. He was just giving Kurt reasons to tell him what a failure he was. This was getting completely out of hand.

"You should ask Wes for his gavel then, you know to bang on the table or throw it at the kids." A smile appeared on Blaine's face before he started laughing and looked up at Kurt.

"Hi," Kurt whispered, still smiling and proud of his joke, "How about you give them something to focus on?"

"Like, like a theme?"

"Well, yes. I know Mr Schuester was not a great teacher but he always let us express our feelings and some of themes weren't so bad. It helped us focus on something and even if it got out of hand sometimes we still worked together as a group and got something done."

Blaine seemed to be thinking about it heavily. Kurt stayed silent and tried to reach one of the granola bars but failed completely.

"But what theme?" Blaine asked timidly.

"Maybe start with a wide subject like a song that they like to sing or that reflect their emotions at the moment." Kurt proposed.

"Yeah, I'll try that. Thanks." Kurt offered a smile and pointed at the granola bar. Blaine caught up quickly and put the packet between them.

"Is there anything else you wanted to know?" _Might as well get it over with,_ Blaine thought.

"Talk to me about my job." Kurt grumbled between two bites.

"Hum, well you work for a fashion magazine and you write articles and reviews." Blaine didn't know much about Kurt's job and he hoped the brunette didn't expect too many details.

"Yes I know that. But I am good? Or who are my friends at work? Do I have my own office? Do I have an assistant?" Kurt looked way too happy at this idea.

"Hum, well. Yes, you are good. Your articles are well written and driven. You don't just throw opinions but you bring them with details and examples, you carry your reader with you and bring them exactly where you want so they see your point of view clearly but you let them established their own too."

"Oh well, thank you professor Anderson. What an elaborate critic." Kurt laughed lightly and took Blaine hands in his. He wanted some physical contact with the man. This morning before they woke up had been bliss and even if Blaine was slowly opening to him Kurt could still see the walls. What had happened to Blaine and to them to lead to this situation? "So I take it that you help me a lot to write my articles if you have an opinion that strong about it." It wasn't a question but Blaine felt the need to answer.

"I, I don't help you, no. You are really good, Kurt, and you don't need my help! But, hum, I have a portfolio at my place with all of your articles if you want to read them?"

Kurt beamed at that. Maybe the situation wasn't ideal, maybe he didn't get what was happening most of the time, but if Blaine kept all of his articles then potentially they had something to save here.

They spent the rest of the day in bed and in pyjamas, eating in the bedroom and watching movies. Kurt didn't push for more information and Blaine stayed at arm's length to Kurt so he could reach his hand whenever it was needed.

That night Blaine kissed Kurt goodnight on the lips before sighing and retreating to the living room.

_Yep_ , Kurt thought, _there is something to save here. So you just wait, Blaine Anderson, I'm coming to the rescue…. What a stupid thing I just thought, I'm going to forget that, yep, forgetting, I need some rest._

 

* * *

 

The begging of the week remained a routine of Blaine and his work, the nurse, TV and phone call to Burt. Kurt was also happy that Blaine didn't give up the goodnight kiss but he was ready to push it a bit more.

So on Wednesday night when a storm started Kurt jumped on the opportunity.

"Blaine!" It was past midnight and Blaine would be sleeping but Kurt didn't care. "Blaine!"

Blaine ran into the room and shoved open door.

"Yes? Kurt? What is it?"

"It's the storm, I'm not usually terrified by it but since the accident…" Kurt let the sentence hang in suspense and waited for Blaine.

"Do you want me to stay with you until you fall asleep?" _And jackpot_ , Kurt thought.

"Yes please."

So Blaine made his way into the bedroom and settled in the bed, close to Kurt.

"Could you somehow hold me? Please?" Blaine tilted his head and thought about it before putting Kurt lower on the bed and hugging him from his side. Blaine chest was flush against Kurt arm and Kurt could put his head under Blaine chin. They lay like that for a few minutes.

"Are you better? Do you need anything? Blaine asked, not knowing how to proceed. If Kurt wasn't in his casts he would have hugged him and maybe cuddles since they became touchier around each other.

"Oh, well, Professor Anderson, yes I do need something." Blaine brows furrow, Kurt didn't call him Professor just as a joke.

Kurt took Blaine's hand and lowered it, just above his waistband.

"I need you, Professor Anderson." Kurt turned his head and started kissing Blaine's neck. He licked Blaine jaw and lowered his head to suck lightly on Blaine's collarbone. Blaine was frozen but he was also feeling himself growing harder under Kurt's ministrations. Kurt tightened his grip on Blaine's hand and lowered it, placing their hands on his crotch. Blaine could feel Kurt's erection, he could feel lust and want from Kurt's body. Kurt kept licking and biting at Blaine's neck, using his hand to create some friction. Kurt let out a growl and Blaine snapped out of it. He jerked out of the bed and tried to hide his erection. It was pointless, he knew that Kurt had been able to feel his hard cock against his leg just seconds ago. Blaine blushed furiously and tried to contain himself. He couldn't have sex with Kurt. He wanted it though. He wanted him so badly. His body was screaming at him to deny it. To deny Kurt and his hand and _oh my god_ Kurt's erection under his hand. But he couldn't have sex with Kurt. He was already kissing him goodnight and being touchy with him. He was already too close to lose himself in the situation to add sex to the equation. He needed to get a grip on his feelings and to try not to screw up because of his libido.

"Hum, Kurt, I…"

"Save it, Blaine." Kurt tone was strict and icy, Blaine winced at it and looked down, "I know that with these horrible casts and this hideous bandage I'm not really attractive. But I thought that you could just… I don't know, ignore it!" Kurt sobbed, feeling utterly mortified and rejected.

"Kurt, no! You are sexy. Oh my god of course you are! I mean, hum, my body reacted pretty quickly at your lips on my neck so hum… yeah. You are sexy; you have no idea how sexy you are and how much I want you" _Blaine Anderson, where the hell are you going with that? You just admitted that you wanted Kurt. This is a nightmare,_ "But, hum…"

"But you don't want to sleep with an invalid. I get it. Don't worry about me."

"No! Kurt, no, that's not it. I...You… I don't want to hurt you! I'm afraid I'm going to hit one of your casts or… I don't know… and that it will pain you. That's the only reason! It's not because you are invalid or not sexy, I swear."

Kurt wasn't looking at Blaine, not he would have known it because he wasn't looking either.

"So, when they remove my cast, it means that you'll sleep with me and have sex with me then? Right?"

"Yes." Blaine knew he shouldn't have answered. He had no intentions of having sex with Kurt. Not that his body would agree but for his sanity he couldn't. He was already pushing it and he knew it. He felt too comfortable living with Kurt and seeing him every day. His old feelings were creeping up and he knew it. He didn't want to acknowledge them, though. If you don't think or talk about it, it doesn't exist, right?

"I'm sorry I jumped on you like that."

"It's okay Kurt, really. I should have… We should have talked about it." Blaine didn't know what to say to make the look of rejection leave Kurt's face. He knew he was the reason for it and it pained him more than he wanted to admit. "So, hum, I'll just go back to sleep then. Goodnight Kurt."

"Night, Blaine."

 

* * *

 

The next morning, no one acknowledged the tension between them, and Anita certainly didn't say a word either. Blaine was driving Kurt to the hospital for a check-up and he also needed to talk to the doctor about Kurt's change of personality. 19-year-old Kurt had liked sex, of course, but calling him Professor and jumping on Blaine the way he did the night before was not something the old Kurt would've done.

The trip was silent and they arrived quickly at the hospital. One of the nurses at the front desk took their name and they made their way to the waiting room.

"Kurt Hummel!" Blaine stood up and pushed Kurt's wheelchair to the doctor's office.

"Hello, please take a seat." The doctor looked down at the file, "So we had some of the blood and scanner results. Everything is fine. You don't have any serious damage from the accident, aside from your memory loss. We should be able to remove the cast at the end of next week. You'll be able to make an appointment with my assistant at the front desk. Now, Mr Hummel, talk to me about your memory loss."

"There is nothing to say, really. Nothing happens. I don't even have feelings of deja-vu. It's depressing."

"Don't worry yourself too much. You've stayed in your casts and wheelchair since you got out of the hospital. You haven't had chance to trigger your memory. With the removal next week you'll have more liberties and maybe it will help. Do you have trouble sleeping?"

"That's the only thing that works for me at the moment to be honest."

"So… You sleep well?"

"Yes"

"Great, now I'm going to reduce your pills prescription, you won't need as much as before. Do you have any questions or did you notice anything that you want to bring to my attention?"

Kurt shook his head but Blaine did nothing, he wanted to talk to the doctor but couldn't in front of Kurt. He didn't want to scare him or make him believe that it had developed something.

"Hum, doctor, can I talk to you about something… but, hum, privately…without Kurt?" Kurt stared at him and then pouted.

"Yes, of course. Do you have any more questions, Mr Hummel, before I talk to Mr Anderson?"

"No, thank you." Blaine rolled Kurt outside and smiled apologetically as he closed the door behind him.

"So what do you want to talk about, Mr Anderson?"

"It's about Kurt. Most of the time, he is himself and he's sweet and compassionate, a bit bitchy and authoritarian but this is the 19-year-old Kurt I know. But sometimes, it's like he switches to this… hum, well… sex hungry person? I mean, hum…"

"You don't recognize the 19-year-old in those moments?" Blaine silently thanked the doctor for his quick understanding.

"Exactly."

"Was he like that before the accident? Sexually open; I mean?"

"I… I don't know. I am taking care of him because he doesn't remember our break up but I hadn't seen him in years before that. And that's not really something I asked his father." Both the doctor and Blaine winced at that, smiling knowingly.

"Well, if this was one the particularity of Kurt before the accident, it's not abnormal that it's showing now, even if he doesn't remember it. It's just his subconscious trying to fight to emerge. If this was a strong aspect of his personality before the accident it's perfectly normal that he's found it now. It's fighting against the old aspect of Kurt's personality but it's nothing to worry about. All of this will settle when he starts recovering memories."

Blaine nodded and thanked the doctor. He let himself out of the office to find Kurt in a very bad mood. They booked an appointment with the nurse at the front desk to remove the casts and Kurt's mood lightened a bit when they effectively settled it for the end of the week after.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the week remained the same, and nothing notable happened.

On Friday night Blaine entered the apartment with a wide smile on his face. He kissed Anita's cheek and offered a slice of cheesecake to Kurt. He then left the room almost dancing. Kurt and Anita laughed at that and waited for Blaine. When he re-appeared everyone settled on the living room, avid to know why Blaine was so happy today.

"It worked!" Blaine finally spoke, smiling widely at his audience.

"What worked, baby?" Blaine was too high on his bubble to flinch or panic at the pet name. He just answered franticly:

"The theme for my glee club class! It worked! I wasn't sure they'd listen to me to be honest. But today in class I actually sat and listened to them one by one singing their songs. It wasn't perfect and most of it was about sex but it's the closest to a lesson that I ever managed!"

"Oh my god!" Kurt clapped happily, "Blaine, this is fantastic! You must be so proud and feeling so rewarded! You worked so hard for this."

"And this is all thanks to you, Kurt." Blaine was blushing at the admission. Anita was sitting in her chair, watching them interact. "So, I was thinking, if you want to, tomorrow we could, go out? And we'd do anything you want, make a day of it?" Blaine was now furiously blushing. He felt like a teenager who was asking his crush on a date. _But you kind of are asking your crush on a date, Blaine,_ he thought to himself. He pushed the idea and waited for Kurt to answer.

"I'd love to go out with you tomorrow, Blaine." Kurt said softly.

Blaine's smile grew wider. He had a date with Kurt tomorrow.

No, he was just going out tomorrow, with Kurt. It wasn't a date. He couldn't go out on a date with his almost-boyfriend who thought they were already in a committed relationship.

Kurt spent all night on Blaine's computer, typing furiously and trying to be efficient with one valid hand. Blaine had offered to help but Kurt wanted it to be a surprise, so Blaine let him fight with the computer.

The next morning, Kurt and Blaine were making their way into West Village. Kurt had printed a plan so Blaine would be able to direct them without knowing where they were going. They stopped in front of a little coffee shop called Café Cluny. They chose a table in the back of the shop but beside the window. It was a French Coffee shop so they ordered a Brioche French Toast and some croissant along with their coffees.

They were still waking up and Kurt had been adamant that they couldn't eat before leaving. So they settled comfortably in the warmth of the coffee shop, inhaling the scent of fresh coffee and pastries. They were silent until the waitress came back and placed their order on the table.

"So what is the program for today?" Blaine moved some croissant closer to Kurt with his mug and some brioche.

"Well, I don't know if I should tell you. I like knowing that each destination today is a surprise for you." Kurt smirked and sipped his coffee happily. He let himself enjoy the taste of coffee and chocolate before locking eyes with Blaine.

"Are those destinations places you used to go in your beginnings in New York?" It was a safe question. Blaine and Kurt both knew that Blaine hadn't been in New York during Kurt's first year, it could also be misinterpreted as a question to trigger Kurt's memory.

"No, I really wanted some French food and I had no idea where to go. Google amicably put this place on the first page."

They proceeded to eat the croissants and the rest of the brioche.

When they finished they took a taxi to go to Central Park. It was a cool day and Blaine made sure that Kurt wasn't freezing. Kurt made them turn a lot and finally find the spot he wanted to be. They settled and Kurt showed Blaine a little coffee maker. Blaine bought two and brought them back; it would keep their hands warm. They talked and laughed a lot.

Blaine couldn't remember the last time he had been so happy. It was easy with Kurt. Everything was easy. He could let everything go. Nothing mattered anymore when he was surrounded by Kurt's laughter. He could become addicted to it. Addicted to feeling safe and protected, taken care of and supported. He didn't felt like a ghost, like someone that you didn't really look at or listen to. With Kurt he was important, his opinion mattered and Kurt had showed him that he could ask him for help. Blaine was happy, simple as that.

He couldn't help but think that this day was like a date. A beautiful date, but one that could only be called that in his head. He wanted it to be a date; he wanted this day to be a date and to be able to ask Kurt out once again. He wanted to kiss him at the end of the date and not just at night before sleep. He wanted to kiss him during the day, and keep kissing him. He wanted to hold his hand and smile at him knowing that it wasn't just for the pretence.

Blaine froze. He couldn't think like that. The Kurt he had in front of him didn't remember his past. Blaine was here just because Kurt's memory granted him time. He shook his head out of his reverie.

"You weren't listening, were you?" Kurt asked knowingly. Blaine glanced at him and saw the smile Kurt was sporting.

"No, I wasn't. Sorry. Where to for lunch?" Blaine laughed timidly at the admission.

"I have to confess something." Kurt played with the hem of the blanket he had on his lap, "where we are eating today, there is a little stage. And I thought that maybe you could sing for me? It will not be as personal as having someone scrutinizing you; I'll just be a face in the crowd… Please?"

Blaine gulped audibly and stood up. He took the sheet to direct them to the place they would be having lunch. He didn't answer Kurt's question immediately, not knowing if he would be capable of singing in front of Kurt, no matter how lost in the crowd he would be.

"Do they have a piano?" Blaine whispered

"I think they do, yes. Why?"

"Can we make a deal? I don't feel like singing, I'm…I'm not sure about…But hum, if you want I can play something on the piano for you. It would still be performing, so would it be okay?"

Kurt looked like he was thinking through it deeply. He nodded and continued to talk. They arrived shortly at the restaurant. Indeed they had a piano. Blaine asked their waitress if it would be possible to play it and she happily approved, telling that he just needed to sign the sheet at the bar and they would call him when it was his turn.

They spent one hour sitting side by side and looking at the people singing on stage. They weren't all good and Kurt's bitchy remarks made Blaine laugh more than once. They were practically sitting in each other lap, well, as much as the wheelchair let them. Their shoulder and arm were flush together, and Kurt leaned closer every time he wanted to say something.

When Blaine heard his name Kurt took his hand and placed a kiss on it before letting him go. Blaine sat at the piano and closed his eyes. Just like that time at Jeff and Nick's bar, he just needed to stop thinking and let the music take him. It wasn't as easy this time, he didn't know what emotions had led to the moment, it wasn't in the spur of the moment and it wasn't driven by some incontrollable emotions. Slowly Blaine open his and saw Kurt, their eyes locked and Blaine knew exactly why he was on stage, and what emotions had taken him there. He started playing and never stopped looking at Kurt.

When the song came to an end, Kurt's face was glowing. Blaine heard the loud clapping of the restaurant, but didn't look at the clients. He got back to his seat and looked at Kurt.

"Thank you so much. It was beautiful. I've wanted to hear you play since I got out of the hospital." And with that Kurt took his hand and didn't squeeze it or let go. And then Blaine realized that Kurt was just holding his hand, like any people on a date with someone they like. Blaine took Kurt's chin in his hand and made him turn his head. Kurt looked at him and smiled, waiting for something to happen. Blaine leant closer and kissed Kurt softly. They just locked lips and appreciated the pressure of the other for a few seconds. Then Kurt took Blaine's lower lip between his and sucked it. They kissed more forcefully and Kurt's hand flew to Blaine hair, letting his hand go. He pulled him closer and attacked his lips once again. They broke the kiss and pressed their foreheads together.

Blaine had let go and let himself feel like it was a date. They was no turning back now. He was once again falling hard for Kurt, knowing that he signed himself up for heartbreak.

"Anything for you, Kurt. Anything."

And Blaine knew that it was the truth. He would do anything for the beautiful man in front of him.

 


	8. Chapter 8

The end of the weekend passed in a blur, full of cuddles and kisses. When Monday came, Blaine went back to his and Cooper's place. He quickly made his way around the apartment and opened his bedroom door. He reached a box at the end of his wardrobe and pulled it out. He opened it and extracted a black portfolio. The box contained lots of letters and different objects, but today Blaine was just interested in the portfolio. He carefully put it into his bag and left.

When he finally arrived home he was a bit late but he had called Anita to warn her. They – both Kurt and Anita – were sitting in the living room, chatting and drinking tea. _It was what life should be_ Blaine thought, _goinghome to someone you deeply cared about and having a home full of laughter and happiness._

He was interrupted by Anita,

"Hello Mr. Anderson. I left you something to eat in the kitchen, I know it's not my job but I thought maybe for once I could overstep. "

"Thank you, Anita. I'm sorry I kept you here for so long."

"It's alright, don't worry. But now I really have to go, I have a date with a really nice man and it doesn't happen to me every day!"

She rushed out and noisily shut the door. Blaine and Kurt ate in a comfortable silence, glancing at each other and smiling softly.

When they both got tired Blaine helped Kurt get into bed.

"I have something for you!" Blaine announced. He went out of the room and came back with the black portfolio. "I went to my place tonight, that's why I was late. And I got this for you. I know you wondered about your work so here it is. These are all the articles you wrote for the magazine." He handed the portfolio to Kurt and watched him open it. Kurt didn't read any of the articles; he just turned the page, to acknowledge how many articles he had written in the past. Then he closed it and put it on the night stand.

"I'll read them tomorrow. Thank you for giving me this. How come it was at your place if it's my portfolio?"

Blaine fidgeted and looked nervous before glancing at Kurt and answering after taking a deep breath:

"Actually, I was the one collecting your articles and putting them in the portfolio. This is my portfolio about you." It sounded creepy to Blaine. He had had a portfolio full of his ex-boyfriend's articles hidden somewhere at his place. _I just reached step one in 'How to become a psychopath'_ Blaine thought.

"That's nice of you, Thank you. Goodnight kiss?"

"Goodnight kiss." Blaine agreed and tenderly kissed Kurt's lips. He retreated to the living room and slept peacefully.

* * *

 

The rest of the week was eventless. Kurt studied his portfolio, doing research on Blaine's computer. He tried to understand all the references he was making in his articles and looked for all the clothes he mentioned as well. It was tiring to see all the things he'd miss. Well, not missed but forgotten. How was he supposed to write again if he had no idea what had happened in the fashion world during five, almost six years?

Blaine worked harder that week. His almost-success in glee the week before had given him a bit of hope and he was determined to keep on progressing.

Friday came and finally it was 'Cast Removal Day', as Kurt called it. Blaine drove them to the hospital and checked in with the nurse.

They waited a bit and the doctor made them follow him.

"Okay gentlemen. This is the big day. You're going to be free from your casts. Just a fair warning: your leg and arm were in plaster for several weeks, so they are going to be covered with scruff and drying skin. It's also going to smell pretty bad and they are going to look stunted. Don't worry about any of that, though. You'll just need some re-education and a bit of sport and you'll look good again!"

With that he started to cut the cast on Kurt's leg. It seemed that the doctor had been wrong; the smell wasn't bad, it was way worse. It smelled like death and decay.

"So very sexy." Kurt muttered. Blaine chuckled and kissed him lightly.

"It's alright, you just look like you're starring in a zombie movie. It has its appeal." Kurt pouted at that and refused to talk to Blaine. The doctor took care of his arm cast after that and Kurt was finally free. He smelled, might need a whole container of body lotion but at least he was free of the casts.

A nurse helped Kurt to clean his arm and leg and showed him the different movements he should practice every day to make his arm and leg muscles grow. The doctor talked with them about a light re-education and then made an appointment a month later to check on Kurt.

Kurt couldn't completely walk by himself but he was determined to, so Blaine just stood behind him to catch him if he fell. They reached the car and drove back home.

"I can't believe I'm finally free! Free, Blaine! I'm going to run every day and do lots of sport and have a walk in the park at any hour! I can cook now! And hold things!" Kurt exclaimed.

"I'm glad that it makes you so happy. I didn't know holding things could be so important to you." Blaine joked.

"Well, there is that and also now that I'm cast-less you can come back to our bed." Kurt added with a wink.

Blaine didn't answer and continued driving. Kurt frowned but didn't say a thing either, maybe what he'd said didn't need an answer because it was a silent agreement that Blaine was coming back to their bed.

They entered the apartment, Blaine still making sure that Kurt wasn't falling at any time.

"Admit it; you're not doing this to help me but just to stare at my butt." Kurt said cockily. He then turned swiftly and engulfed Blaine in a tight hug. Kissing his forehead, his temple and finally his lips. Blaine didn't move at first, but quickly kissed Kurt back and began to wriggle out of the hug. Once again, Kurt frowned but kept his mouth shut. It was not how he had expected the evening to start.

Later that night, Kurt sat down on the couch to watch TV.

"Babe, come sit with me. We are going to watch TV while cuddling!" Kurt beamed. Blaine looked panicked and almost afraid. Kurt could almost see the wheels turning in Blaine's head.

"Blaine, sit down." Kurt almost ordered.

"I..hum… we shouldn't…. I mean, what I'm trying to say…"

"Stop that and just sit down already." Kurt was growing furious and frustrated. _Why couldn't his boyfriend just sit with him?_

"I…have things to work on. I'll be in the kitchen."

"Blaine!" Kurt shouted, Blaine instantly froze and waited for the downfall. Kurt stood up and started yelling:

"Seriously, Blaine, all I'm asking is for you to come and sit down with me, how is that so difficult? You know what's difficult, Blaine? Losing five years' worth of memories and not remembering who you are, it's waking up and finding out that your boyfriend isn't the same and can't even bear to be close to you, it's trying to figure out by yourself what your job is and how you're gonna keep it when you know that you can't be as good as before because you have no idea what you're talking about. That's difficult, Blaine. Sitting with me isn't! I wake up in a crappy hospital surrounded by everyone but you! I lost five years and there is a possibility that I will never remember. That being said, I'm supposed to be someone I don't even know! I don't write articles! I don't even remember writing a blog or a diary so I can't really imagine myself being a writer. But you know what? It's something I can learn again. I could just take classes and drown myself in fashion shows and magazines so I'll be able to catch up on that. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know who I am supposed to be, but I don't even care because I could just start being a brand new me!" Kurt cried and shouted, his hands motioning what he was saying into the air.

Blaine had turned around to face Kurt. But the more Kurt ranted, the smaller Blaine made himself. Eyes locked on the floor, arms around his body. He was silent and didn't dare look at Kurt; the self-loathing, the insecurity and the shame all coming back in a flood and pouring out in his body language.

"But the worst thing isn't not knowing who I am or how to keep up with my job, it's not losing five years of memories because at the end of the day I don't care about that. The worst thing is that when I woke up you weren't there. And you're still not! I don't know who you are Blaine, I don't recognize my boyfriend, and I don't recognize you. I don't know what to think, there are moments when you act so sweetly and like a boyfriend but most of the time you just act like we're not even in relationship anymore, you act like you don't care and like our relationship doesn't matter to you. You're not helping me remember, you're not sharing anything. You don't talk to me about our life and about what it is to live here! I can't ask you because every time I tried you just closed yourself off. I am lost, Blaine! I am utterly lost and afraid and I need you! But you don't even want to touch me for too long, or cuddle with me for too long. You don't want to sleep with me or even be near me. I didn't lose just five years of my memories, I didn't just lose my past, I also lost my future because I lost you! I lost my boyfriend and I have no idea how to get him back. I don't know what happened to you, to us. I can't be your support system and my own at the same time, Blaine." At this point Kurt was crying and the fact that Blaine still hadn't looked at him was infuriating.

"Look at me, Blaine! Just look at me! I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand to be in the same room as you if you keep me at distance. I am sorry for what I might have done to you to make you so disgusted at me or so scared of what I might do. I'm sorry I screwed up so badly that you can't even open up to me anymore or want to be with me. But I can't do it anymore. I just want my boyfriend back and for him to tell me that everything's gonna be okay and that I'm safe. Because you have no idea how scared and lost I am!"

With a final shout, Kurt stormed out of the room and slammed the bedroom door loudly.

Blaine stood there, eyes still locked on the floor, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks.

He turned off the light and lay on the couch, waiting for sleep to come or for Kurt to come out of the room, but neither happened.

All Blaine could think about was how much he'd screwed up this time. He hurt Kurt, made him feel unsafe, lost and alone. But he didn't know how to make things better. He was not Kurt's boyfriend and couldn't act like he was. But not acting on it meant that he was hurting Kurt. Not acting on it also meant keeping him from really falling for the pretense, to really wonder what he felt for Kurt. Not acting on it also meant preserving himself. But tonight Kurt had been honest with him, and did not hide any of his emotion. He stated how alone and scared he was. And he made it clear that he needed Blaine. Unfortunately it was not him that Kurt needed. Kurt needed old Blaine: the one that made silly jokes and sang at the top of his lungs whilst climbing on furniture. The Blaine that was not so broken and felt so worthless. Kurt didn't need this Blaine, but the old one, and bubbly Blaine was long-gone. And Blaine didn't know how to act or what to do. He wanted Kurt's happiness; he wanted Kurt to smile and to have a boyfriend that kept him safe, that helped him remember. And it couldn't be him, because he didn't know Kurt anymore. He didn't know what made him smile or what made him feel safe. He didn't know what Kurt's life was because he wasn't a part of it.

Long after their fight the sun finally rose and Blaine had yet to go to sleep. But he had made a decision. He couldn't keep fighting and he couldn't keep acting half like a boyfriend. It was either all or nothing. And because Blaine couldn't stay away from Kurt, couldn't stay away from how good he felt around Kurt and how right it was for him to know that Kurt was around it was going to be all. He was going to be Kurt's boyfriend. He was going to completely act on it. He'll deal with the consequences later. He was just going to hurt himself anyway and it was worth it if it helped Kurt feel better and if it helped him remember.

 

* * *

 

Blaine quietly closed the door and made his way around the block, finding the bakery he was looking for. It was still early, after all, and no one was around which meant he had time to make his choice. Lots of different cupcakes were presented and with so many different flavors: chocolate, cinnamon, lemon, raspberry, oreos. Blaine had choices, perhaps too many.

"Excuse me?" The waitress made her way to Blaine, smiling at him, "Hello, I'd like some cheesecake but there doesn't seem to be one…"

"Oh, I'm still setting everything up. But I have four whole cheesecakes in the kitchen. How many slices do you want?" The waitress asked nicely.

"I'll… I'll take one cheesecake. I mean, the whole cake." The waitress nodded and disappeared to what seemed to be the kitchen. When she reappeared she was holding a white box with blue stripes.

"Here's the cheesecake, is it alright? Do you want something else?"

"No, thank you, that would be it."

Blaine paid quickly and got back to the apartment. Kurt was still sleeping, so Blaine made them coffee, preparing Kurt's like he did since he'd moved in. He then set the box and Kurt's mug onto the tray. Silently, Blaine entered Kurt's room and put the tray down right beside Kurt's side of the bed. Far enough so Kurt wouldn't stumble on it but close enough so he would be able to pick it up from his bed. Blaine closed the door and went back into the living room to grade papers.

An hour later, Kurt exited his room and put the cheesecake on the table in front of the couch, not saying a single word. He got to the kitchen and warmed his coffee before falling graciously on the floor, sitting Indian-style in front of the cheesecake.

Blaine could feel Kurt's eyes on him, but he didn't dare looked up or down to see him. He had no idea how to break the heavy silence. But Kurt decided for him and suddenly Blaine saw a spoon being waved in front of his eyes.

"Take the spoon, Blaine, and eat your feelings with me." It was commanding, but Blaine could feel the caring behind it. So he sat down on the floor, mirroring Kurt and started eating the cheesecake.

"I'm sorry, Blaine. I should never have said what I said last night. Or I should've but more nicely and without screaming and yelling at you. It's just that the last week has been hard. And when you stayed far away from me last night I lost it. I'm sorry, really sorry. But Blaine, I don't understand. You keep everything to yourself and sometimes I have the feeling that we are getting better and more normal, like before and sometimes it's just like when I woke up. I don't know what I did to you, I don't remember but I want to understand. Please, please talk to me. Tell me what happened between us so we can fix it and be happy again. I want you back in our bed Blaine. I don't remember sleeping in it with you, save for one night, but it feels wrong without you in it. It feels wrong to wake up and not have you by my side." Kurt almost whispered the last part, not sure if this was going to scare Blaine or make him understand how much he missed him.

"I… I'm sorry too, Kurt. I know I haven't been a good boyfriend these past weeks. And I'm sorry. I can't explain to you what you are asking because of your memories but I swear I'm going to work on us, with you. I'm going to do everything it takes to make you feel safe and to let you know that's it's gonna be okay. I'm sorry Kurt, so sorry. You deserve so much better…"

Kurt took Blaine's hand in his and squeezed it lightly, waiting for Blaine to stop looking at the cheesecake. When Blaine finally looked up Kurt smiled warmly and broadly at him.

"I don't want anyone else, I want you. Yes, I'm pissed that you can't explain what happened. I'm not going to push because I promised you, and my dad and Carole. But I want you, and we are going to work together on this," Kurt's hand motioned between them, "But I need you to open up sometimes, to tell me what you are thinking or feeling. I can't do it if you don't talk to me."

"Okay."

They ate more of the cheesecake, hand in hand, because Kurt hadn't let go of Blaine's, and Blaine discovered that it didn't bother him all that much, quite the contrary. Kurt's hand was like an anchor and he liked that, holding hands with Kurt.

"How did you know I'd want to eat cheesecake for breakfast?" Kurt interrogated

"Because I'm your boyfriend." Blaine hadn't meant to say that. But the minute it came out of his mouth he knew it was true; he had decided it this morning.

He was Kurt Hummel's boyfriend.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

So that night, Blaine slept in their bed; because he was Kurt's boyfriend and boyfriends sleep in each other beds. They slept tangled in each other, every inch of their body touching. When Blaine woke up he was more rested than he has ever been, he felt safe and home. He was Kurt's and Kurt's was his. Everything felt right in the world.

The rest of the weekend passed and when Monday came, Blaine kissed Kurt sweetly before going to work. Kurt had lots of plans for his day. He needed to make a list and start working on it. He would have to get in touch with his manager,  wanted to try to write an article for the magazine and get a new phone. It seemed that he couldn't find his old phone and apparently Blaine had no idea where it could be. Kurt picked up the phone and dialed the magazine.

"Melody Jones' office, how can I help you?"

"Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel –"

"Oh my god, Kurt! How are you? I tried to call you on your cellphone after the accident but of course it was off so I left a message, but you never called me back and because I didn't want to intrude I didn't call you on your phone at home. But we were all speculating about when you'll give news because it's been a long time since you're out of the hospital. Yes, I know when you were let out, don't ask me how, a good secretary has her own way, we are like superheroes…" Kurt blanked out for a moment. It was like talking to a Rachel Berry on crack. Well, not really talking because he hadn't been able to say a single word. "… and then Paul told me how he got hold of those amazing boots we saw last month in a tiny shop in Soho – "

"I'm sorry to interrupt you and please don't be offended but I don't remember you and I would like to talk to my superior. Please."

"You don't… Oh, of course! I'm so stupid, you've lost your memory! Silly me. Wait a minute, Melody just got out of a meeting. I'll talk to you later Kurt. I have so many things to tell you!"

Kurt had no idea who he just talked to, but he was glad to know that he, at least, had a friend at work.

"Melody Jones speaking. Kurt, is that you?"

"Hello. And yes, that's me."

"Oh thank God. How are you, Kurt?" Kurt felt a little guilty for not calling his job before. People seemed to care for him.

"I'm good, thanks. I was in a stairs accident. I had a broken leg and arms but the doctors just removed my cast so I'm okay now."

"I'm glad to hear that. Your father called me some weeks ago to explain it all. How is your memory doing?"

Kurt winced at the question. He didn't like to talk about it. He had no control over his memory and needless to say that it wasn't doing anything since he didn't remember a single thing.

"Not so good. I still don't remember anything. But I wanted to talk to you about it, somehow. I'd like to keep my job, if it's possible. I know it's a long shot and I know you have more to do than keeping a writer that can't write but I read my articles. All of them. And I'd like to try. Maybe we could work together on them. So I could improve quickly and get back to work rapidly."

"I don't know, Kurt" Melody sigh loudly before adding "I mean, of course you are keeping your job. But are you sure you want to get back at it right now? You need to recover and work on your health before anything else. Your job will still be available later, you know."

"I didn't know, but I want to work. I want to try and get better at writing. It is my job and I want to try my best. Losing my memory isn't a really good excuse to be lazy."

"And hello to you too, Kurt! You sound just like your old self. Okay, well, I don't really have time now; write an article about something, anything and then we'll work on it together. Do you still have my email address?"

Kurt took Melody's email address and hung up. He was relieved to say the least. He thought it would be much more complicated to convince his boss to let him keep his job even if he was completely incompetent. Fortunately she seemed rather nice and willing to help him. Now all he had to do was find something to write on. He sat on the couch, paper and pen in hand and started thinking. Half an hour later the page was still blank. Kurt sighed and decided to go buy his new phone. Maybe he'd find inspiration on the street. Of course nothing significant happened and Kurt fought all day to find something remotely interesting to write about.

When Blaine let himself in later that night he found a rather angry Kurt in the middle of the living room.

"Hum, hello. You okay there?" He asked timidly.

"No! How did I do it before? Everything is boring, nothing is interesting and my paper is blank, Blaine, blank!" Kurt shouted.

Blaine giggled at his boyfriend and came closer. He hugged Kurt tightly and, without letting him go, looked at him pensively.

"Come cook with me, we're going to find an idea together. Okay? Just like you helped me with glee club." Kurt mumbled something incoherent and followed Blaine in the kitchen. He sat on a stool and pouted until Blaine noticed him again.

"Stop pouting, Kurt" Blaine smiled at him and start cooking, "Okay, first things first, do you know what you want to write about?"

"Well yes, this is why I have so many things written on my sheet."

"Okay then, do you want to write something funny and light or state something?" Blaine didn't seem to be able to stop smiling at his boyfriend's behavior and the situation in itself  was all very domestic. Sorting a problem together, as a couple in their kitchen, whilst Blaine was cooking for both of them. It didn't feel weird, quite the contrary, it felt like Blaine had finally found the place where he belonged and where happiness wasn't completely out of reach.

"I have no idea. I'm going to talk about skin problems after putting up with a cast. That should be interesting."

It was clear to Blaine that Kurt only wanted to whine and that they wouldn't solve anything. So he just listened to the brunette while they ate. They went to bed and like the night before didn't let go of each other.

On Tuesday morning Kurt turned his papers and pen around, eyeing them like they were going to attack him. He knew he should just sit down and write something, anything, but, _oh,_ it seemed that he had so many things to do all of a sudden. So he called his father for almost an hour, then he cleaned the kitchen until it was spotless, he did some yoga and the exercises he was supposed to do for his arm and leg, thought about something he wanted to cook and so went grocery shopping. In the middle of the afternoon Kurt still hadn't touched his paper but he accomplished much more than he thought he would that morning . He was in the middle of cleaning the bedroom, because he really had to do it now, when the vacuum shot something under the bed. Kurt turned off the machine and laid down on the floor, to reach the box. It was a simple shoe box and he had no idea what this thing was doing here. He was about to stand up and toss the box in his closet, but he took it in his hand and heard things rolling inside. He sat down and opened it, curious to see what was there.

"Oh, shit." Kurt shouted, quickly closing the box. He took a big breath and opened it once again. Inside dildos, lube and condoms were mixed together. Kurt's eyes grew wider. Were those his? Or maybe it belonged to him and Blaine? But it couldn't be just his, there were too many of _them_ and different sizes of condoms so it had to be his and Blaine's. But then why would they have those things here, under the bed? And if they used them why was Blaine so reluctant to be intimate with him? This discovery made Kurt uncomfortable. He couldn't see himself using those but then he knew absolutely nothing about their sex life now. Maybe Blaine was giving Kurt space and he was just waiting for Kurt to be ready. But Kurt had made a move before. Granted, he was in cast. He just had to try again then. Surprisingly this thought made him nervous. He needed advice. After all flirting with men wasn't his strong point. He was going to need Sebastian's advice. They had spent very little time together and hadn't talked much on the phone but Kurt knew he could rely on Sebastian. It was becoming real for him that Sebastian somehow was his friend. So, grudgingly, Kurt called Sebastian with his new phone.

"Yes, what?"

"Pleasure to talk to you, Sebastian. How are you?"

"Kurt?"

"Yes, who else?"

"Well, Paige Collins, numerous men call me on that phone so it could have been anyone. What do you want? Problem with Flynn Rider?" Sebastian asked, smiling to himself at the joke.

"Could you just stop assuming who tops and bottoms in mine and Blaine's relationship? This is getting old."

"No. So who's bottoming?"

"That's hum… sort of why I'm calling you actually." Kurt fidgeted on the couch, glad that Sebastian couldn't see him.

"Are you two having sex?" Sebastian seemed angry and annoyed.

"No, we're not. And I kind of …." Kurt took a deep breath and blurted out, "I need advice to get Blaine to have sex with me."

"So you're telling me that Hobbit isn't trying to put a ring on it while playing Flynn Rider?"

"Hum, what?" Because really, _what?_ Kurt had no idea what Sebastian was talking about.

"Urgh, I forgot you were a blushing virgin again. This is no fun. I was talking about cockrings, Kurt. Google it later. So your problem is that you're not having sex. Right?"

"I'm not a virgin, thank you very much. And yes, we're not having sex and I don't know how to…"

"So you want me to help you have sex with Blaine?"

"Yes." Kurt answered in a whisper. _What a stupid idea. Seriously, Sebastian of all people? He tried to sleep with Blaine for Christ's sake, what was I thinking?_ Kurt thought

"I won't help you Kurt. Not because I don't want you to have a beautiful and kinky sex life. Because trust me, you had one, surprisingly enough. But I don't think you should have sex with Blaine."

"I told you about my sex life with Blaine?" Kurt frantically asked.

 _Shit, shit, shit, shit. Shit._ Sebastian yelled at himself. "No, I'm just guessing after seeing you walking some morning. Now, don't have sex with Blaine. Don't have _sex_ , because _you_ will get pregnant and _die. That's it."_

 _"_ Okay, Sebastian. You're making way too much pop culture reference this morning. Could you just be serious? And just a friendly reminder: I'm not a girl. And seriously, you're not gonna help me have sex? You of all people?"

"Yes, me of all people. Don't have sex with Blaine. Not until you have your memory back. You don't know who you are, you don't know yourself anymore. Wait a bit. And if it's still what you want then go for it. But I am not helping you there because I think that's a terrible idea."

"Fine! This is useless. I shouldn't have called you anyway."

"Then hang up." Sebastian retorted

"Fine." And so Kurt did. He was angry at Sebastian. He thought they were friends. And Sebastian knew how to get men in his bed. Why would he think it was such a bad idea to have sex with his boyfriend? And didn't he want to help? Kurt would just have to do it by himself then.

* * *

 

Blaine came back from work a bit late that night. He had been working on his glee classes. And he came to the conclusion that he wanted to show them what they could do or put together with a little work. But for that he was going to need Kurt.

He let himself in and found Kurt on the couch, watching TV and much less angry than the night before.

"Hello, there. You had a good day?" Blaine wondered, removing his jacket and gloves.

"I did lots of things, yes. I think I just procrastinated from doing my article by doing numerous other things."

"Hey, Kurt. It's alright. You can't expect to instantly know what you want to write about. This is a process that takes time. Don't think too much about it and inspiration will strike! I promise." Blaine finished, kissing Kurt tenderly.

"I made dinner if you're hungry."

"Do you want to eat in the living room?" Blaine shouted from the kitchen.

"Yes please." Blaine came back to Kurt with two plates in hands, knives and forks between his teeth.

"Careful with those. I don't want you to get hurt. One deadly trip to the hospital every ten years is enough." Kurt took the cutlery out of Blaine's mouth and put it on the table. "So tell me about your day."

"You know how your last idea for glee was a success? Well I'd like to show them what could be done when you put some effort and time into it. So I was thinking that maybe you could help me a bit?" Blaine questioned, though not without putting his fork into his mouth greedily.

"Sure, what do you need me for?"

"I was thinking about putting together some of the best performances of the New Directions into a mini movie. Make them watch it and then propose a competition based on a theme." Blaine answered, looking tentatively at Kurt.

"That's a brilliant idea! Of course I'll help you! I think the Youtube page still exists. We should download the videos from there. Blaine, this is really a good idea."

"I'm just trying to find something to involve them a bit." Blaine shrugged like it was nothing.

"Blaine, you put effort into it, you took time to think about it and to come up with a wonderful idea. Don't treat it like it was nothing. Be proud of yourself, of what you're trying to do." Kurt smiled at him and came closer, putting a hand on his thigh and leaning to kiss Blaine. Kurt captured Blaine's bottom lip and sucked on it a little, allowing a moan to escape. He leaned further, making Blaine lie on the floor, putting his hands higher on Blaine thigh. Blaine's hand flew to Kurt's hair, keeping him close and kissing him fervently.

"We should stop, the food –" Blaine tried

"No, I don't care about the food, Blaine." Blaine took Kurt's hand in his, making him stand up.

"Kurt," Blaine started, shaking his head, "not now. Okay?"

"Fine. Eat then." Kurt stood up and made his way to the kitchen before shutting the doors of the bathroom loudly.

Blaine sighed and put his head in his hands, wondering if Kurt will now try to have sex with him all the time.

They didn't talk about it that night. Instead they settled together in bed, watching old videos of the New Directions on Blaine's computer and writing down which one they were going to use for the mini film. When they finished watching all the videos they turned off the light and pulled the comforter higher. They cuddled and kissed for a few more minutes before falling asleep.

It was like a new life for both of them. For Blaine because he never thought he'd be able to live like that with anyone and especially with Kurt, beautiful, amazing Kurt. And for Kurt because it was like learning the code of a life he knew he had but didn't remember.

 


	10. Chapter 10

If you'd asked Blaine Anderson his opinion on life, he would probably have told you that it was hell.

Life was hell. Not because he was unhappy – to be honest, for a few weeks now, he was much less unhappy than he was before. Things were a bit brighter and his future didn't seem completely dull. But life was hell. Especially when you had a boyfriend named Kurt Hummel, and that very specific boyfriend was the sexiest and horniest creature alive.

Of course Blaine wanted Kurt in every way possible. But he couldn't let himself be. Having sex with Kurt would mean crossing one of the last few boundaries that make the whole situation still a pretense and not a reality. So even if Blaine would die from it, he had to resist Kurt.

His struggles had started few days after they had removed Kurt's casts. Blaine had entered the living room, still sleepy, to face Kurt's perfect ass in yoga pants that left very little to the imagination. Kurt was very careful in doing every move that the nurse had showed him to make the muscles that had been in the cast grow, and in addition he had decided to work out and chose yoga of all the sports. So Blaine had watched Kurt changing position with ass still in the air, presenting to him. He had to rush to the bathroom and take a very cold shower to help with his little problem, needless to say.

The second time Blaine had to struggle had been during one night, when Kurt started to rock his erection against Blaine hips. Kurt was obviously having a very vivid dream and if his little whimpers and moans were not a clue his cock fully hard against Blaine left no doubt. Kurt's breath was ghosting against Blaine ears and with every thrust he whispered Blaine's name like a mantra. Kurt mouthed along Blaine's neck, rolling his tongue and tasting him. Blaine almost had to jerk off right here right now because he couldn't take it anymore but instead he threw Kurt out of the bed. Kurt woke up instantly, trying to gather his thoughts and comprehend what had just happened.

The third time happened during a lazy afternoon when Kurt started to palm Blaine's cock. They were sitting on the couch, next to each other, a blanket covering them, when Blaine sensed Kurt hand against his zipper. Blaine closed his eyes and tried to chase his growing erection, but Kurt's hand was very distracting. Kurt unzipped Blaine's pants and started to palm him through his boxer brief, making him grow fully erected under his ministrations. Blaine had to use all his willpower to grab Kurt hand and stop him, leaving them both very horny and Kurt really confused.

Then there were all those little moments when Kurt would just tease him for the sake of it: sucking on his spoon during dinner, letting his hand brush against Blaine's crotch whenever he would walk by, rolling his hips against Blaine's ass when he needed to pass behind him, spreading himself on the bed and touching himself when Blaine would pass the door of the bedroom, and loudly moaning Blaine's name in the shower.

And finally there were those instants when Kurt would do absolutely nothing but just be himself and Blaine's mind would just take over. It was Kurt's very tight jeans, and seriously Kurt's jeans hadn't been that tight in high school in comparison. It was Kurt's cherry lips and his tongue that licked them. It was Kurt's hand in his hair when he was trying really hard to understand something. It was Kurt's scent on his pillow.

Really, life was hell when you had a boyfriend that sinful and couldn't act on it.

 

* * *

 

Blaine was trying and Kurt knew that. He hadn't expected huge changes in a short amount of time and every little thing that Blaine would give him, Kurt would cherish them. Because he understood somehow that it was difficult for Blaine to just be himself around Kurt. He still didn't know why, what the reasons behind Blaine's behaviour were, but he knew somehow that it had something to do with him. So whenever Blaine would open a little bit and give a little more, Kurt was grateful for it. But it was still really frustrating. Kurt didn't want to push his boyfriend too far, didn't want to scare him but there was only so much time a man could go without sex when his boyfriend was one sexy Blaine Anderson. So Kurt was pushing it. He knew he shouldn't but Kurt had seen the little changes in Blaine. How he grew more confident in his job after many successes in Glee Club, how he would talk more openly to Kurt and accepted Kurt's touches without flinching anymore, if so welcoming them, even. So Kurt had to push it, to remove the last walls that Blaine had built around himself. Because Kurt wanted his boyfriend, all of him.

 

* * *

 

"For Christ's sake, this is hopeless!" Kurt groaned, head falling into his hands. They were silently working together in the living room on a Thursday night and Blaine had seen Kurt tipping, going from inspired to furious. "I am never going to have my job back with that article. It's so poorly written it would make a 12 years old girl's diary look like a masterpiece. "

"Can I have a look at it?" Blaine proposed, reaching for the computer. He quickly read the document and looked up at Kurt. "How to get rid of pimples in 10 steps?" Blaine questioned, arching an eyebrow.

"I thought this would be a good article idea for a magazine. I mean aren't they supposed to give advice about how to get more beautiful in a very short time and by spending the least money you can?" Kurt answered; looking annoyed and not open to the criticism he knew was coming.

"Well, not only." Blaine said tentatively, not wanting to piss of his boyfriend who already on the verge of throwing a fit. "But I thought it was a try. Maybe you're trying too hard to fit. Your strong point has never been to fit into any stereotype. Your value has always been to stand up for yourself and your beliefs. And no matter how important good-looking skin is, I believe that you have much more to tell to the world." Blaine finished, hoping he wasn't overstepping. After all he never helped or saw Kurt during his writing process and he didn't know what the limit was when it came to work.

"So, what you are saying is that I should stop writing this," Kurt repeated, motioning to the computer "and start over a new article about something else. Something I believe more in?" Kurt rephrased. His face was unreadable and Blaine thought for a minute that it was it. He had finally screwed up like he knew he would and that Kurt was going to throw him out. He nodded nonetheless and waited for the stormed. That didn't happen.

"So I should write about something less superficial and a bit deeper?" Blaine looked up and once again nodded. Kurt stayed silent for a good two minutes before continuing. "Do you think it's a good idea to write about something deep and unconventional for a woman's magazine?"

"Hum… Like Melody said you just had to write something, anything and then you'll work from there. So maybe it won't be published, maybe it would, but I think that you should stick with what you know: being yourself. And you're unconventional, Kurt. In the best way possible. Don't let yourself become something you're not just because you're afraid of the outcome. It's not you, it was never you. So write about something you truly believed in, and if it's deep and unconventional, so be it." Blaine finished, breathless after his ranting. Kurt beamed at him and threw himself at Blaine.

"You really are the only one who fully understands me and sees me for what I am and not just a clown that wandered in the street dressed like a crazy old woman."

"Kurt, you're not a clown and you don't dress like a woman. You might wear women's clothes sometimes, but you look very much like a man. You can trust me on that."

Kurt looked at Blaine directly, drowning into the hazel of his eyes and kissed him fully on the lips. Kurt's hand foundBlaine's side and brought their hips together.

"Blaine." Kurt moaned into his mouth before sucking on Blaine bottom lip and nipping at it.

"Kurt, stop." And with that Blaine carefully took Kurt's head into his hand and made Kurt looked at him. "We can't do that."

"Why not? You're sexy, I'm sexy. You want me and I want you. There is nothing easier."

"Kurt, I…" Blaine sighed before shifting from Kurt's grip and taking his hands into his own. "I'm not comfortable doing this with you. Not because I don't find you attractive. Because I do, I really do. I'm just not comfortable having sex with you until you have your memory back." Blaine whispered.

"I might never recover it, you know. Nothing's happened and it's been almost two months." Kurt stated, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I know, but for now, please understand. I can't have sex with you. It would not be right."

And there it was again: Blaine's walls and morals. Walls that Kurt didn't seem able to break no matter how hard he tried. So he agreed on no having sex for now and get back to his article.

 

* * *

 

Barely a week later Kurt found himself eating in their apartment in front of a very fidgety Blaine.

"Blaine, stop that. I'm getting sea sick by seeing you moving that much. And I'd never been on a boat before so I wouldn't know if I'm sea sick or not. I mean… I think I've never been on a boat before..." Kurt dragged his sentence, wondering.

"It's just that… Oh god." Blaine blushed furiously and dipped his head, putting it almost on his plate.

"Blaine, baby. You're okay?"

"I… come with me, please?" Blaine stood up and offered his hand to Kurt. The brunette took it and Blaine lead him to the living room, motioning him to sit on the couch. Blaine disappeared into the closet in their entryway and came back with a guitar in his hand. Kurt was able to see Blaine's hand shaking but didn't say a word. He didn't want to put his boyfriend in more misery than he already was. So Kurt just stayed silent and waited for Blaine to speak.

"So, hum…" Blaine sat on a chair in front of the couch and took a deep breath before looking up and locking eyes with Kurt. "You know when we had that fight last month. You told me that I needed to give a little to you. To give you something to work on because you couldn't be your own support system and mine? I've been trying to give you more, but I'm not sure you saw it because of how little it was. So I wanted to do something a bit bigger. You've been asking me to sing to you a lot when you came back from the hospital and I know you stopped because you didn't want to make me uncomfortable. So if it's okay with you, I want to sing to you tonight. I've only been singing in front of a public once in five years and that was barely two month ago and I've been practicing a lot after glee but I know it won't be as good as I was before so… just see the gesture, please. Just see me, opening a bit more to you. And not just a sombre idiot making a fool of himself by singing something he can't manage. Okay?" Blaine asked hesitantly after a speech he had obviously rehearsed as well.

"Blaine, I'm not going to judge you. And I know you'll be wonderful. But because you asked me: yes, I'll see the gesture before anything else." Kurt smiled warmly at him and lovingly watched Blaine as he gathered his courage, chorded his guitar and started. Blaine didn't look at him and kept focusing on the chords instead.

Watch my life,  
Pass me by,  
In the rear view mirror  
Pictures frozen in time  
Are becoming clearer  
I don't wanna waste another day  
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

Blaine started to sing, his voice like honey. Yes, it was a little raspy, but it brought so much emotion to the song that Kurt was having goosebumps just by watching Blaine struggling to get the lyrics out.

Cause I want you,  
And I feel you,  
Crawling underneath my skin  
Like a hunger,  
Like a burning,  
To find a place I've never been  
Now I'm broken,  
And I'm faded,  
I'm half the man I thought I would be:  
But you can have what's left of me

Blaine locked his eyes with Kurt and sound almost apologetic. He seemed sorry to have that little to offer but was willing to give it anyway, to give his everything to Kurt if he found it enough for him.

I've been dying inside,  
Little by little,  
Nowhere to go,  
But going out of my mind  
In endless circles,  
Running from myself until,  
You gave me a reason for standing still

Cause I want you,  
And I feel you,  
Crawling underneath my skin  
Like a hunger,  
Like a burning,  
To find a place I've never been  
Now I'm broken,  
And I'm faded,  
I'm half the man I thought I would be:  
But you can have what's left of me

It's falling faster,  
Barely breathing,  
Give me something,  
To believe in  
Tell me: It's not all in my head

He was pleading, with his whole being, begging Kurt to just accept him and love him for who he was. Because it wasn't much but it was all he had and he wanted it to be enough. To be enough for once in his life, to be loved for whom he was and not being expected to be someone else, to be more than he could. Because he wanted to be Kurt's and no else's but he knew somehow that the Kurt he had in front of him was barely real and that the Kurt that would wake up one day wouldn't be the same. But for now he just wanted to be enough for this Kurt and maybe later for all the Kurts that were inside the beautiful man in front of him.

Take what's left  
Of this man  
Make me whole  
Once again

Cause I want you,  
And I feel you,  
Crawling underneath my skin  
Like a hunger,  
Like a burning,  
To find a place I've never been  
Now I'm broken,  
And I'm faded,  
I'm half the man I thought I would be:  
But you can have what's left of me

I've been dying inside you see  
I'm going out of my mind  
Out of my mind  
I'm just running in circles all the time  
Will you take what's left  
Will you take what's left  
Will you take what's left of me?  
Just running in circles in my mind  
Will you take what's left  
Will you take what's left  
Will you take what's left of me?

Blaine finished the song in a whisper, waiting to see if Kurt would answer, waiting to see if Kurt would understand that he _needed_ an answer. He wasn't what he had wanted to be. He was so far from being the man he wanted to be in high school and had so little to give that he needed to hear from Kurt that, yes, he would take Blaine for what he was, nothing more, nothing less. So Blaine waited, eyes on the floor, for Kurt to react in any way.

"Yes." Blaine head shoot up just in time to see Kurt throwing himself at him. "Yes, Blaine, of course. I'll take what you want to give me. I'll take anything." Kurt said between deep kisses. He had his arms around Blaine's neck and straddled him on the chair. Kurt couldn't stop kissing Blaine and it was too much teeth and maybe too desperate but they both needed it. Blaine's hand grippedKurt's ass and forced his tongue into his mouth. Tasting Kurt's mouth and dancing with his tongue. Kurt dragged his nail along Blaine's scalp and took a handful of hair to dip Blaine head, giving him space to lick and bite his neck, to mark him and leave him breathless.

"Yes, yes. I'll take you, all of you. I don't want somebody else. Just you, Blaine." Kurt panted against Blaine's neck. Blaine's hand was still on Kurt's round ass, fighting not to bring their hips together. Kurt seemed to know what Blaine wanted because in a rapid motion he grinded against Blaine's crotch, giving them some wanted friction.

"Blaine," Kurt moaned, taking Blaine bottom lip in his sucking at it and then attacking his neck yet again.

"No, Kurt… _Kurt!"_ Blaine shouted while Kurt brought their hips one more time, aligning their erections and giving them some release.

"We can't… Kurt…" Blaine tried, "Kurt… We have to stop… _Oh my god, Kurt!_ "Kurt started to palm Blaine, pressing the heel of his hand into his groin.

"Stop me, Blaine. If it's so wrong, stop me." Kurt challenged before sucking at Blaine's skin, right beside his ear, where a brand new hickey was appearing. He then kissed him passionately, sucking at his tongue teasingly and biting his bottom lip before breaking the kiss and pressing their foreheads together.

"Stop me, Blaine. But just know that I want you. I want you inside me, Blaine. I want to feel you." Kurt licked at Blaine's earlobe before finally whispering: "I want your cock in me and I want it now. I want you to fuck me." And to affirm his lust he rocked one last time against Blaine crotch, the sensation making them moan and grind against each other more forcefully.

" _Blaine!"_ Kurt screamed as Blaine squeezed Kurt ass. "Blaine, _oh my god_. I want you, please. Please!"

And that was it for Blaine, all the walls, the boundaries, the rules he drew to keep his head above the water, to prevent him from falling into the trap that was this whole situation scrambled down all at once.

"Oh fuck it!" Blaine shouted. He grabbed Kurt's ass and carried him around the apartment. Kurt crossed his legs around Blaine's waist, hand roaming across his back and kissing him hungrily. Blaine let Kurt fall graciously on the bed before kneeling on it, putting an arm around Kurt's waist to put him higher on the bed. Without breaking eye contact Blaine removed his shirt and pants and attacked Kurt mouth.

" _Blaine_! Need you." Kurt moaned into Blaine mouth while his hips thrust against Blaine's. Blaine got rid of Kurt shirt and pants, freeing Kurt's cock.

"God, Kurt! No underwear?" Blaine's eyes explored Kurt's body, his hands on Kurt's side.

"Not with those pants. Never." Blaine sucked at Kurt collarbone before making his way to his nipple,biting lightly at it.

"Blaine! I need you, just do something and stop teasing." Blaine looked up from Kurt navel and licked it teasingly.

"But I am touching you." Blaine's hand grip Kurt tights and started drawing circles with his thumb, knowing how sensitive Kurt was there.

"Not enough." Kurt barely managed to get out, hips thrusting in the air in the need of friction. Blaine cut down the teasing, let go of Kurt'sthighs and sunk down, taking Kurt's penis in his hand and experimentally licking the head, already leaking with pre-come.

"Blaine! I need you in me, please!" Blaine stroked Kurt a few times, locking eyes with him before leaning to kiss the man.

"Tell me you have lube and condom somewhere in here, Kurt." Blaine almost growled.

"Argh, yes. I found the box, top _ah!_ Top drawer _."_ Blaine didn't comment on the box and stroked Kurt one more time before he opened the drawer to find what he needed.

"Have you been touching yourself, Kurt?" Blaine asked, opening the lube and pouring a generous amount on his finger, not wanting to hurt him.

"Yes, in the shower, or when I knew you were coming to room. _Oh god!"_ Kurt shouted when Blaine's fingers ghosted against his hole. Slowly Blaine put one finger in Kurt, thrusting in and out to give Kurt some time to adjust to the burning sensation.

"I know, Kurt. I heard you in the shower." With that Blaine inserted a second finger and started scissoring them. "Do you know how hot you sound when you scream my name in that shower? God, Kurt." Blaine said breathlessly, adding a third finger and after few minutes Kurt started to fuck himself on Blaine.

"More, Blaine, I need more!" Blaine nodded and removed his fingers from Kurt, grabbed the condom and rolled it on his erection. He added a generous amount of lube and stroked himself before he positioned between Kurt's legs.

"You're so beautiful, Kurt. And so sexy. God, I want you so bad." Blaine nuzzled his head into Kurt's neck. Kurt scratched his hair a bit before lowering his hand to Blaine's back and finally cupping his ass.

"Blaine, fuck me." So Blaine positioned himself and started to penetrate Kurt. Slowly, too slowly for Kurt, apparently, because he crossed his legs around Blaine and brought them harshly together, leaving Blaine completely in Kurt.

"Kurt, so tight! God." Blaine kissed Kurt messily and waited until Kurt started to move beneath him.

"Blaine, move." Blaine started to thrust slowly, not wanting to hurt Kurt. "More Blaine, I need more!" Blaine started to thrust harder and quickened the pace, leaving them breathless and panting. In a swift movement Blaine repositioned himself to bring Kurt's leg over his shoulder before pounding restlessly into his boyfriend, finding Kurt's prostate with every thrust.

"Blaine, oh my god, Blaine, Blaine." Kurt repeated like a mantra, Blaine was close, too close. He wanted to drag the moment out; he wanted to keep fucking Kurt until they both died from exhaustion or over sensitivity. But he needed the release and he wanted to see Kurt coming so badly. He wanted to see him falling apart, just because he was being fucked by him. He wanted to claim Kurt's body as his and never let anyone put his hand on his boyfriend. He was his. Kurt's body, mind and soul were his and he wanted to be the only one to see Kurt falling apart like he was. So Blaine wrapped his hand around Kurt's cock, begging for attention, and gave it few strokes.

"Come for me, Kurt. Please, I want to see you, Beautiful!" And it was all it took for Kurt to come between them and on Blaine's hand. Blaine thrust a few more times before coming in Kurt whilst screaming his name.

His arms barely supported him, so he pulled himself out of Kurt and tossed the condom, hopefully in the trash can and snuggled close to his boyfriend. They both stayed silent for a few minutes, enjoying their post-orgasmic haze and feeding from the other's glow.

They smiled to each other and Blaine put his arm around Kurt's waist, pressing him into his arms. Kurt let his head fall into the crook of Blaine's neck and hummed happily.

"I'll take whatever you want to give me, Blaine. And where you see a broken man I see a strong one, one who kept on fighting and bringing the best out of himself. You're more than enough, Blaine. You're everything. I love you."

Blaine watched Kurt in awe as the man drifted to sleep. Kurt had just said that he loved him. But more importantly he had said that Blaine was enough. A tear rolled down on Blaine's cheek, because for the first time in years, he was enough, he didn't have to pretend, to be someone else or to hide all his fears. He was enough, he was everything.

"I love you, Kurt. I always haveand I always will."

And with that, Blaine fell asleep, in their bed, in their home. Yes, after all this time, Blaine was finally home, in the arms of the man he loved.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

They spent the weekend re-discovering the other's body. So when Monday night came they were both completely exhausted by the blowjobs, handjobs, frottage and their constant orgasms. Kurt was sitting in the bed, typing furiously on Blaine's computer. It seemed that inspiration finally showed up and now Kurt couldn't stop. He was constantly writing his article or researching and he seemed happier with it as time passed. Blaine was going through partition sheets, trying to find the perfect one for the next Glee class. They worked in silence for almost an hour before Blaine broke it and spoke up.

"I think you should see your friends, Kurt."

 _Uh oh_ , when Blaine finished his sentence with Kurt's name and not a pet name it always meant business.

"Well, besides Sebastian I have no idea who my friends are at the moment. And last time I talked to Sebastian we kind of fought." Kurt started typing again, showing that he didn't want to talk about Sebastian and his fight.

"Well maybe you could make up with him. We only stay with each other during week nights and weekends… I think I need to talk to my friends again and so do you."

"Talk to your friends again?" Kurt questioned. Blaine took a deep breath and spanned over the sheets scattered around the room before settling on the bed. He intertwined their hands and without looking up answered.

"I've been neglecting them for years. I told you I've sang just once in front of a crowd. It was at Jeff and Nick' bar. It was the first time I've seen them in years. I'm not proud of it, of course. But I couldn't face them before. And now I just… I think I need my friends. I know I missed them."

"Oh, baby!" Kurt engulfed Blaine in a bone-crushing hug. "You know you can always go hang out with them or invite them over. I can spend an evening alone, I'll be fine."

Kurt didn't comment on Blaine's revelation, didn't push it further. He knew better than that. Yes he and Blaine were better. Yes, Blaine was talking more to Kurt about his past but the reasons were always unknown and Kurt knew that the curly-haired man wasn't ready to answer the questions. So Kurt took what Blaine would give him. It was enough for now.

"I don't want you to be alone for an evening. You need your friends as much as I need mine. There are going to be some times when you'll want to talk about things, about us, about me but not with me. And then you'll do it with your friend. As much as I want to be all you need I can't be. This is too much for just one person. So please, baby, just for one night, talk to Sebastian. Okay? And I'll promise I'll come home and we will fall asleep together. Okay?"

Kurt smiled at his boyfriend and at how much progress he'd made in a few months. Now Blaine was able to say aloud what he needed and what he wanted. He was able to face some of his fear and Kurt couldn't help but be proud of him. Once again he had no idea what had happened before or what made Blaine change but he was more than thankful for whatever happened.

"Alright, I'll talk to Seb. See if he is in for a boy's night tomorrow. What about you?"

"I'm going to ask Santana to go with me to Jeff and Nick's bar. I don't know if I'm being courageous or stupid here though." Blaine chuckled. "I'm going to call her now. I'll be back shortly." He pecked Kurt on the lips and went to call the Latina. He waited anxiously as it rang. She was going to cut his head off, he was sure of it. That or just hang up on him. He really liked Santana; she was bold and didn't put up with Blaine's stupidity. If she had something to say or to do nothing could stop her; it was refreshing and unnerving as well.

"If you're looking for some pigeon to pay Hobbit's ransom I won't be very helpful. My last paycheck went into underwear. Try his brother." The girl snapped.

"Hum, hey Santana. It's Blaine, actually." And then he waited for Santana to start ripping his head off for shutting him out of her life for good. He would deserve both if you'd asked him.

"Blaine, what a surprise. What do you need?" She almost growled; and yes she seemed far worse than just angry.

"Well… I, I wanted to apologize for not being really present and not a good friend…"

"Try completely absent and the worst friend ever. Go on." She cut. Blaine gulped and carried on.

"Yes, I… I haven't been a good friend. But I missed you, Tana, and you probably don't want to hear a single thing about me but I really missed you and if you're okay with it I'd like to see you. I'll buy you a drink and do whatever it takes to make you forgive me. Just please."

"And what make you think I'm still in the United States for that matter? I could be in fucking Europe or in Taiwan. But fine, let's pretend I'm in the US and even in New York. What is your offer?"

"One night, I'll buy you all the drinks you want, and food. I know this karaoke and we could go there and just have fun, you know." Blaine proposed, sure that he wouldn't be enough for the girl.

"Blaine, are you asking me out on date, to get me drunk and fat and make my ears bleed in that mice hole that is your friends' bar? Because I'm warning you if it is, you're going to owe me at least ten years of psychiatry séances and another boob job as interests. "

"You know Dalton? Jeff and Nick's bar?" Blaine asked, agape.

"Yeah, been there once or twice. They must suffer from a serious Stockholm Syndrome to name their bar like their high school or a wild lack of creativity. But knowing them it might be both."

"So… Are you okay for this?" Blaine was going to create a hole in the ground if he didn't stop pacing.

"Yeah I'm in. I haven't done my BA this month and Karma's a bitch. Meet me there tomorrow at 8. Don't make me wait or I'm ordering their Dom Perignon I know they're saving for some celebrities, and I'll make you pay." And then she hung up abruptly, not letting Blaine answer. He had no idea how to feel about the whole conversation but overall it went rather well. He thought maybe he had missed some important information but he wasn't sure. And wait, so Santana was in New York after all and she knew Jeff and Nick? This girl was going to be the death of him; she already managed to give him headache in only five minutes.

Blaine retreated to their bedroom to find Kurt in the same place that he was before, still typing.

"Hey, baby. Did you talk to Sebastian?" Blaine tried to peek at the document on the computer but Kurt shut it down and put it on the night stand.

"I texted him because I didn't want to talk. He said to come to his place tomorrow night with food from some fancy caterer. I think I'll bring wine as well. I'm in for a hell of a night." Kurt whined. "And this was your stupid idea. You should be the one paying."

Blaine laughed at his boyfriend's behavior and brought him down into his arms so they were both lying in bed with the comforter on them.

"Stop pouting and whining, it's cute, I'll give that to you, but it's not necessary. You'll thank me tomorrow."

"Or I'll smother you with your pillow." Blaine laughed again and nuzzled into Kurt's embrace.

The day after they were both trying to dress whilst getting into each other's pants, so needless to say that neither of them was very dressed or even on their way.

" _Blaine,_ " Kurt moaned loudly, letting his head rest against the wooden closet door, one of his hands gripping Blaine's hair. Blaine was kneeling in front of his boyfriend and had already gotten rid of the pants and underwear that Kurt had tried to put on. He licked the vein of Kurt's dick before lightly sucking on his head. He felt the grasp in his hair tighten and teasingly mouthed the head of his boyfriend's dick.

"Blaine, _please_ , just suck me!" Blaine pressed kisses into Kurt's thighs and traced his way to his balls, mouthing them before taking Kurt's erection into his mouth.

"Fuck! Blaine, so good." Blaine hummed around Kurt and then pressed his tongue against Kurt's erection. Taking him more and more into his mouth until he was deepthroating him. Kurt was a mess and he was holding Blaine's hair for dear life. Blaine started to bob his head, alternating between sucking and pressing his tongue against Kurt. Kurt's hips thrusted harshly into the hot and wet mouth. Blaine gently started to massage Kurt's balls; he could feel the brunette starting to thrash against the door and sucked hard on his dick.

"Blaine, fuck!" and Kurt came, Blaine swallowed every drop of Kurt's come and stood up, placing an arm around Kurt's waist to help him stand up and kissed him hungrily. Kurt realized that Blaine was letting him taste himself and moaned into Blaine's mouth at that, really turned on but too tired to harden again.

"You should get dressed, Beautiful, or you're going to be late to Seb's." Blaine informed his boyfriend while putting his pants on. Kurt was still against the door, trying to calm his breath and to not jump on his boyfriend right here and now to return the favor.

"Well I could be dressed already if someone hadn't decided that he had to perform a blowjob in the minute." Kurt answered weakly. Blaine turned around and smirked at his boyfriend, coming closer and putting one hand right beside Kurt's head and the other close to his now soft penis.

"Tell me you didn't enjoy it then." Blaine challenged, still smirking in a deep voice. Kurt looked into Blaine's lustful eyes and he felt his dick trying to get hard again. Against his better judgment Kurt pushed Blaine and tried to will away his half-hard on.

"Stop that. If you didn't force me to go out tonight you could have me all to yourself. Instead we are both going to suffer from blue balls and endure insensitive morons." Kurt finished putting his outfit on and moved to the bathroom to get his hair done.

Blaine had no choice but to finished getting dressed. He kissed Kurt for few minutes before leaving. Deploring the fact the he wouldn't see the complete outfit of his boyfriend. Kurt waved him goodbye and they parted for the evening.

Blaine was petrified. Not because it was cold outside but because he was going to spend the whole evening with three of his best friends including one bitch and a hyper active child. He knew that he had some explaining to do and that none of them were going to let him go easily with it. But he knew he deserved it and was trying to prepare some of his answers. He arrived quickly at Dalton, too quickly and let himself in.

It was just like last time. The stage, the stairs and a hyperactive Jeff.

"Blainey! You're back. Are you singing this time or do you want one of my famous cocktails?" Jeff was bouncing and yelling, his voice covering the person singing on stage.

"Don't let him get you to try his cocktail, Blaine. Or you'll need a tastebud transplant." Nick hugged Blaine and kissed his boyfriend on the cheek.

"That's not true Nicky and you know it. You love my cocktail!" Jeff argued.

"I, hum… might have lied about it?" Nick tried. Jeff gasped and pouted, while Blaine smiled broadly at them. He had missed them. The last time he saw them they didn't really talk. Blaine had been overtaken by his emotions but this time was about bonding and he was going to put himself out, he was going to face his fears and try to save his friendships.

"How are you guys? And how is the bar going?" Blaine asked after Nick had lead them to a table in a corner far enough from the stage to not have to shout to be heard but close enough to see the room and enjoy the show.

"We're great! I mean the bar is making lots of money, we're together and you finally show up! So we're great!" Jeff answered quickly. Nick chuckled at his boyfriend's enthusiasm and added.

"We had some rough moment last year. We almost thought we were gonna have to close Dalton. But fortunately some students started to come by and now we have quite a population here on week nights when they want to relax."

"We organized a post finals party at the end of the last semester, it was epic!" Jeff nodded to support his statement. Blaine inspected his friends more cautiously. They were more confident now than they had been in Ohio. They sat closer to each other, held hands and kissed without looking around. They seemed happy and really in love with each other. They complemented each other perfectly and Blaine realized that that was what he wanted with Kurt. To be able to be so at ease around each other that they would radiate love.

"Oh for my surgeon sake, what is this? An Avengay Assemble? These two here are Tony and Captain America and Curly here is Spidey? Disgusting! Where is my drink?" Santana sank into the chair and motioned to the waitress to come here and now. She ordered lots of shots and too many drinks for Blaine to understand and then turned to face him.

"So Casper. Nice to finally hear from you." She crooked an eyebrow and tilted her head to gauge him. "You look like shit but you look happy at the same time, is Stockholm syndrome contagious now?"

"I had some hard times but it's getting better now." Blaine tempted to answer before being interrupted.

"This isn't an 'it gets better' video. Cut the crap and talk. Why are we here?" It seemed that Santana wanted to go straight to the point; he owned them that so he explained.

"After living in New York it started getting difficult. Everything was just complicated - even waking up and getting out of bed was a chore. I didn't talk to anyone for years. I would go to school, get back and go to bed. I'm not even sure my classmates knew my name. I live with Cooper, well lived. Around two months ago I got a phone call from Burt Hummel telling me that Kurt needed me. So I went to the hospital where Kurt was and … He suffered from memory loss. He doesn't remember what happened in the last five years, he doesn't remember the break up and I'm living with him now, we're back together." Blaine finished with a shy smile.

"So you're leading him on, and using the situation to your advantage?"

"Santana!" Nick cut her. "I'm sure it's not what it seems. Remember your affair with that teacher? Yeah, not what it seemed either! Let him explain. Blaine," Nick said gently, "What do you mean you're back together? Do you pretend to be his boyfriend so he's not too perturbed?"

"Well I was at first. But now we're back together, as in we're in a relationship." Blaine explained tentatively.

"So he recovered his memory and decided to give you a shot at the boyfriend crap, right?" The Latina cut in once again.

"No, he still doesn't remember but…"

"There's no but here, Blaine. You're leading him on!" Santana argued and shouted, her hand in the air.

"I'm not leading him on! How can I? I fought for two months against my feelings. I made him and myself miserable because I couldn't be near him. I made him cry for night and days because I was distant and cold. He thought he was ugly in casts because I didn't want to kiss him. And when I finally let go, when I finally let myself open up he and I, both, started to get better! I don't feel like I'm worthless all the time, I don't feel like nobody cares, I'm not afraid of going out and talking to people anymore all of this is thanks to Kurt. Just because I allowed him to come near me and to take care of me. And Kurt? I want to believe that he is happy, I want to think that I'm helping him in his recovery. He started to write again, with passion and he won't stop, because I support him when he feels down, because we get over his writers block when he has one. We help each other and we're making each other heal. It might not be perfect, he might wake up one day and not want me anymore because he remembers but at least I will know that I did all I could to make him happy and loved when we were together. I'm not here to ask for your support. And all you're going to tell me, I told it to myself before. So save it. I was just trying to, to get a bit better by talking to you guys. I'm not here to be judged." His voice faltered and he bowed his head, not wanting to believe that he was already failing at this whole trying-to-step-out-of-his-comfort-zone thing.

Nick put a hand gently on his knee and Jeff wrapped his arms around Blaine's shoulder, hugging him tightly.

"You know we love you, Blainey. We're not judging and we are not going to tell you what to do. We're just worried about you and we're trying to understand what happened. Okay? Santana was just a bitch like always or she is PMSing- but as a boy with a penis I don't have the right to comment on that because I can't understand." Blaine's smile was watery but he was here at least. So Nick squeezed his hand on Blaine's knee and stood up.

"I'm going to order some food for us; we're going to need it if we're getting more emotional or if we're going on stage."

"You're saying that like there is a probability that we won't go on stage. I haven't sung with Blaine in years, he owes me that at least. Tegan and Sara, just go sign me up, and Blainey boy here. We'll be up in a minute." The couple understood the girl needed a minute with Blaine so they both left.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you like that. Granted I don't know how you feel or how all of this happened but you can't really blame me for that. I have your best interest at heart and that means yelling at you when it's needed. Tonight isn't the time to get all sappy, we're going to have fun and you'll buy lunch tomorrow to cure my hangover and then we'll talk. Now stand and lead the way. I need to look at your ass."

They spent the night taking turns on stage, drinking and eating. No one asked more questions to Blaine and they just enjoyed being together. Blaine felt free and careless, happier with himself than he thought he would be. It had been rocky at the beginning but you could count on Jeff to made a fool of himself and lighten up the mood. They laughed and sang silly songs. It was addicting to be around these people.

Kurt had left quickly after Blaine. He hadn't wanted to pick up something from the caterer and as a truce sign he had cooked himself, wrapping everything and getting into a taxi. He knocked against Sebastian's door and waited for the man to open.

"This is not what I ordered." Sebastian said while letting Kurt enter the apartment.

"I cooked it myself. This is a peace offering. Do you want it or do you want me to go have a meal with the homeless guy in front of your door? I'm sure he'll be much more grateful than you are."

"Fine, peace offering and all that crap. Oh wine. Perfect!" They moved to the living room and Kurt felt instantly at ease. He didn't recognize the place of course but he knew somehow that he had been there before.

"Did I use to come here often?" Sebastian settled next to Kurt on the couch and hand him his glass.

"Three or four nights a week? Then we would go out and… You'd go back to your place." He tried to not let Kurt see he had almost slipped up.

"Or to Blaine." The taller man relaxed, Kurt didn't seem to have noticed.

"Yeah, or that."

"You're not really a fan of him. What happened? You used to be all over him, not me." Kurt didn't look at Sebastian and took a sip of wine instead, grimacing at the taste.

"Still not a fan of wine?"

"You're avoiding the question." Kurt pressed, "Look we're good for each other. Always have been, always will. He saved me in high school and I want to believe that somehow we are saving each other right now. He is helping me recover and write. He is helping me understand who I am. And I think that I help him feel loved and good enough for the world. We love each other, we are having sex together and I'm not letting him go. So could you please make an effort and tell me why you don't like him?"

"So you had sex with him?" Sebastian asked calmly

"Yes."

"And when you said that you two love each other…"

"I told him six months after we started dating in high school and I told him again a week ago. And both times he said it back. So I think it's safe to say that we love each other, yeah." The situation was infuriating. Blaine had forced him to see Sebastian and had expected the other man to be a brat.

"I know you don't want to hear it, and you're probably going to storm out after that. I don't really care to be honest; I just need to say my piece. You don't know who you are and what happened in your past. You might think that you know him but you don't. Five years change someone whether you like it or not. You're rushing into this because it's safe and because you know it. But this is one of the crappiest ideas you ever had. You don't love him, and you don't know him. You might love the Blaine you used to know but not this one. At the best you're in love with a memory. Knowing you, you're in for a heartbreak and I'll be here waiting with some ice cream and mini annoyingly-loud Barbra. Now storm out if you want. I'm going to warm up what you cooked and watch a movie with my friend if he is still here when I come back."

With that Sebastian stood up and Kurt was left thinking. Yes, it wasn't what he had wanted to hear, he passionately wanted to argue against everything that Sebastian had said but it felt like the other man was just trying to look out for him, to take care of him. So Kurt didn't leave. He stayed and watched the movie with Sebastian, bickering and fighting like two old friends.

He felt at ease with Sebastian. They weren't always agreeing on everything and most of the time they were bickering but at least he knew he had someone he could rely on.

That night when he arrived home from Sebastian's place he found his boyfriend already in bed, spread on the mattress and tightly hugging his pillow, the one that would probably have his smell on. He smiled at that and moved him carefully, trying not to wake him up and laid in bed. Within seconds Blaine rolled almost on top of him, giving lazy kisses to his neck and hugging him with one arm.

"Hi, babe. I tried to wait for you but couldn't." Kurt watched him fall asleep before drifting to sleep too.

He was absolutely sure he was in love with this Blaine and not just a memory.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

_Kurt could feel hands on him, touching him, caressing him but it felt inappropriate. Those hands weren't Blaine's and they weren't loving. They were rushed and they moved sharply on his body, touching him roughly. The hands had gotten rid of his shirt and seemed to travel to his groin. Kurt tried to fight, to escape the grasp but he couldn't. He was tied to the bed by some force. Part of him seemed to appreciate the hands and their ministrations, though. It was confusing and unnerving. Kurt knew he didn't want those hands on him. It wasn't Blaine, it wasn't loving, it was something fast and hard._

Kurt opened his eyes and met a mop of curly hair. He was sweating and breathing heavily. He tried to calm down, to control his breathing but he felt terrified. He reached for Blaine and pulled him closely, relaxing when his boyfriend's body touched his. It was the second time he had this nightmare: hands, just two hands touching him, almost having sex with him. The more confusing part was that some part of him welcomed those hands while another part felt disgusted by it. It was visceral, both reactions and Kurt couldn't help but think that it had to mean something. He waited for his heart to slow down and tried to sleep.

* * *

 

Blaine woke up two days later because of his boyfriend whining in his ear. He stroked his hair a bit, thinking it would calm him but Kurt started to jerk in his sleep like he was trying to get rid of something.

"Kurt? Kurt baby, wake up. You're having a nightmare, I'm right here. Please baby, wake up." Blaine whispered to Kurt while trying to contain his boyfriend's body. Kurt woke up shortly after and threw himself at Blaine. He started to cry, soaking Blaine's shirt, and mumbling thing that were made unintelligible by the crying and Kurt's face hidden in Blaine's chest.

"Baby? Breathe, please. You're alright, I'm right here. I'm not letting go. Please tell me, what happened?"

"There, there were hands. And they touched me again Blaine. And I hated it but I liked and I couldn't stop it." Kurt let out while sniffing. He hugged Blaine more tightly and didn't let go of him for a few minutes. "I'm sorry I woke you up. It wasn't that bad before." Kurt said more to himself than for Blaine to hear.

"Before? Kurt, it happened before?" Blaine questioned worriedly, stroking Kurt's hair to soothe him.

"Yes, two or three times but it wasn't that scary before. Actually scary isn't the appropriate word. It was emotionally wrecking." Kurt explained. He kissed Blaine fully on the lips and moved on top of him, making Blaine lie on his back and wrap his arms around Kurt's waist. Kurt kissed Blaine more fervently, fucking his tongue into Blaine's mouth, licking at the top of it and sucking on his tongue. He started to rock his hips urgently against Blaine's and felt the other man growing harder under his ministrations. Kurt settled himself between Blaine's legs, hips rubbing quickly against each other.

"Come on Blaine. Come for me." Kurt growled never stopping his hips to rub against Blaine's erection. It was frantic, urgent and messy. Kurt was pinning Blaine to the mattress, leaving him no place to move but to take what he was doing to him. Blaine thrust his hips at every movement to create more friction, moaning into Kurt's mouth and babbling as he fell apart under Kurt.

They both came at the same time, screaming each other's name. Kurt fell heavily on Blaine as they both tried to calm their breath.

Kurt rolled beside Blaine and hid his head in the crook of his neck.

"M'sorry." Kurt mumbled, still hiding from Blaine.

"What?" The dark haired boy asked, laughing at his boyfriend's shyness when merely seconds ago they were rubbing against each other like nothing else mattered.

"I basically assault you after having a bad dream about hands! How pathologic is this?"

"Hey, Kurt. I really enjoyed it, to be honest and wouldn't mind being woken up by you if it's for a repeat of this. So you didn't assault me. It was rougher than we are used to but absolutely not unwelcome. And if hands turn you on then hands it is." Blaine said, missing the point.

"It doesn't turn me on, Blaine. Hands aren't a thing for me. It's… my reaction to this dream was … a bit over the top for just a dream about hands, and two mixed emotions, don't you think?" Kurt explained, trying to make his point clear.

"Well, if it was a reaction to your dream maybe you went a little overbroad. Or maybe you just need to reapprove something. I have no idea how those things work. Maybe what you felt during your nightmare made you feel like you needed to have sex with me to make a point." Blaine was thinking aloud but he had no idea what he was talking about.

"Yeah, whatever. Can we please go back to sleep?"

"So you're done assaulting me?"

"I said I was sorry and you told me you enjoyed it! And you came!" With that Kurt kissed Blaine to make him shut up and they drifted back to sleep.

* * *

 

It was Christmas and Kurt had to go back to Ohio to celebrate with his family. Blaine couldn't come, so Kurt had to go there by himself. He didn't mind, he was happy to know that he would be able to spend as much time with his dad as he wanted. Kurt arrived early on the 24th of December. Burt embraced his son and didn't let go of him.

"I missed you, son."

"I missed you too, Dad." They made their way out of the airport and Burt drove them to the house. It was going to be a simple Christmas but it was just like they loved it. It would be just Burt, Kurt, Carole and Finn. No one else, they wanted to share this together. It had become a ritual right after the two families had become one.

Kurt spent the remainder of the day in Burt's shop, working together. He felt comfortable here, granted his high school years hadn't been perfect but his dad's shop was a safe place no matter what. At some point Kurt opened his coveralls a little, it was too hot in there anyway. He heard a gasp and turned around. His dad was standing next to him, mouth open and eyeing him curiously.

"You okay, dad?"

"Is that a hickey, Kurt?" The old man asked cautiously. Kurt's hand flew to his neck where he knew full well that Blaine had left a mark. Burt didn't need an answer; he immediately knew what was going on. This Blaine kid was going to have a surprise phone call from a very angry Burt Hummel. Kurt shrugged it off; his father had to know by then that Blaine and he were having sex.

Burt went back to his office and dialed Blaine's number.

"Hello?"

"Blaine, hello." Burt said icily. "I'm calling about something funny that happened today."

"Is Kurt okay?"

"Kurt is fine. His neck, though, isn't. Would you mind telling me why my son has a hickey as wide as Texas on his neck when his boyfriend is supposed to be a fake one?" Blaine, at the other end of the line, winced at the words.

"I… Hum… We…"

"Very eloquent, kid. Look, I told you back then not to touch him, but you're taking care of him even if you'd had better things to do, so I'm gonna let you explain this to me. Be clear." Blaine tried to collect himself and thought about something, _anything,_ to explain the giant mark on Kurt's neck. Finally he just thought that going with the truth would be for the best.

"No too long ago, we got back together, for real. I'm in love with your son, Mr Hummel. I've always been, I couldn't fight back and he was miserable because I wasn't treating him like a real boyfriend. So I gave in. We're both happy I promise you. I would never do anything to hurt Kurt. I promised! I understand if you want me to stop taking care of him but just know that I won't. I love him and he loves me. I won't give up on him, not this time, not again."

Burt sighed; he knew something like this was bound to happen. They had been good for each other in high school and he had always known that if the two of them found a way to meet again they would never leave each other's side.

"I know you're not going to hurt him purposely. But you're both going to get hurt. What about when he got his memory back, huh?"

"I don't know, sir, all I know is that for now he needs me and I need him. So I'll be here for him as long as he lets me."

Burt scratched his head and sighed some more.

"Fine. I'm not happy about it; I'm not happy that you lied to me and went behind my back; I'm not happy that you didn't listen to me and if I could I'd come and kick your ass. But you're a good kid, taking care of mine and all. So I'm not happy but I won't kick you out of Kurt's apartment. "

"I'm sorry about the way I handled this. I hope you can trust me again and thank you for not kicking me out."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Have a good Christmas, kid." Burt hung up before Blaine could say one more word. This situation was getting more and more complicated with each day that passed and Burt Hummel didn't like complicated situations.

They spent a wonderful Christmas, eating way too much and watching football. Burt wouldn't admit it but he got to cuddle with his son just like when he was younger and Burt felt better at that.

Kurt flew back to New York two days after Christmas, not wanting to leave his boyfriend for too long. Kurt didn't know that Blaine had been spending his Christmas alone. Blaine hadn't wanted to alarm his boyfriend and he stayed at Kurt's apartment instead, eating ice cream and listening to Christmas carols. It was a far better Christmas than he could have hoped for a few months ago. Blaine almost never spent Christmas with his parents anyway.

Blaine went to the airport to surprise his boyfriend and after a tight hug and at least a thousand of little pecks they got back home.

* * *

 

Kurt was typing furiously on the computer as usual. He and Blaine had decided that it was for the best to buy him a new one since he couldn't get a hold on his old one. Which was weird, it was like Kurt had lost all his electronic stuff. So Kurt was typing on his new computer like a mad man. He had been working on his article for quite some time now and it was still unfinished.

"Kurt, babe. Maybe you should calm down or you're going to create a hole in your keyboard."

"But I have all these ideas that I need to write down or I'm going to forget about them." Kurt answered, not making eye contact with his boyfriend and typing faster.

"Did you send a first draft to Melody?" Blaine tried again to get his boyfriend's attention.

"Blaine!" Kurt whined before sighing heavily and looking up, "I had ideas, Blaine, and now they are all gone!" Kurt pouted silently, arms crossed. So Blaine made his way to his boyfriend, straddled him and started to tickle him.

"Blaine! Ok, ok fine. I surrender. Stop!" Kurt managed to say between laughs. They giggled some more before Blaine started to massage Kurt's chest.

"So did you send your article to Melody already?"

"Yeah, we talked about it today and she told me how to improve it. Highlighted the biggest mistake and gave me some advice. But she said it was a good first draft for a newbie. I'm not a newbie; I just forget I was a master at writing. That's different."

"And what is your article about?" Blaine asked wishing his ministrations would make Kurt share the secret.

"Uh uh. I'm not telling you. You'll see when it's published." Kurt said a mysterious face on.

"But I want to read it. Please!" Blaine argued with his well-known puppy eyes.

"Blaine Devon Anderson, stop making that face and go dress up. You're meeting Santana in less than half an hour." Kurt ordered like he would do with a child.

Blaine reluctantly stood up and pressed a kiss to his boyfriend's lips before retreating to the bedroom. After their night out, Blaine and Kurt had started to meet more frequently with their friends. Blaine would go with out with Santana or meet for lunch with Jeff and Nick and Kurt would spent some time with Sebastian. Blaine had explained to Santana the whole situation and after answering way too much questions she finally hugged him and told him that when ' _shit breaks down, I'll be here for you'._ Whatever 'shit' meant to her. It also seemed that she talked quite often to the couple because Nick and Jeff never questioned him but they seemed to know a lot. Blaine just assumed that they had bonded over the lack of Blaine's presence as friends.

So Blaine went out, leaving Kurt alone for the evening. Kurt tried to arrange his article, to perfect it like Melody had told him, but instead he came up with a brand new paragraph to add to the others. After three hours of working he stretched and just went to bed.

* * *

 

_It was dark. He knew he was out but it was dark, too dark to be somewhere safe. He waited for his eyes to get accustomed to it but it never came. So Kurt was left in the dark in the middle of nowhere. He started to walk, not knowing what else to do. He walked and walked for what seemed like hours. Everything was still plain dark. It was rather boring if you'd asked Kurt. But he kept on walking, expecting something to come up at some point. He felt something fall on his cheek and his eyes fluttered. Then he felt it again._

_Plop._

_Plop._

_Plop._

_It was raining. Kurt couldn't see it but he could feel it so he started to run to escape the rain. He didn't like rain. It was ruining his hair and messing up his clothes. So he ran, to find something, anything to hide under so he could escape the rain. But it was still black and he had no idea where he was or where to go. He was completely soaked by now and suddenly he felt utterly alone. He felt like no matter what he would do, things would stay black and he wouldn't find a place to be safe._

Kurt woke up, once again in the middle of the night, the feeling of being thoroughly and utterly alone ghosting in his chest. He reached for Blaine and pressed his back against his chest so Blaine's warmth would annihilate the sensation and make him feel safe and loved. On instinct, Blaine turned around in his sleep and put his arm around Kurt, nuzzling into his hair. Kurt let Blaine's scent invade him, he let the feeling of Blaine's strong body make him feel cared for and get back to sleep.

* * *

 

Blaine started to worry about his boyfriend. He could tell he'd had other nightmares. For one he felt Kurt reached for him sometimes during the week and Kurt looked like he was going to fall from tiredness at any moment. He didn't know what had caused those dreams. Nothing special had occurred in the past weeks. He waited for Kurt to speak to him, knowing full well that the brunette would talk when he was ready and not when Blaine would interrogate him.

But Kurt grew distant over the next few days. They kissed less, they hugged and cuddled less, they barely talked to be honest. Kurt would either be typing furiously on his computer or cooking. And he was either over at Sebastian's or had already eaten when he came back from work, so they didn't eat together either. Blaine was sure he had done or said something to make his boyfriend that mad at him. But no matter how hard Blaine tried to reach out for Kurt, the other would just slip in between and wiggled out of reach.

Blaine's insecurities started to come back, but he knew better now than to just listen to them. It was going to be difficult but he would make Kurt talk to him. So he came really early from work and waited for Kurt to come back from wherever he'd been.

Five hours later Kurt let himself in, almost wishing for Blaine to be asleep. The whole place was in darkness so he relaxed and got rid of his coat and shoes. He went to the kitchen and turned the light on. He screamed and jumped at the sight of his boyfriend, sitting in a chair.

"Are you crazy? What the hell are you doing here? Were you trying to give me a heart attack?" Kurt yelled at Blaine, smashing his hand against his boyfriend's arm.

"I was waiting for you, Kurt. I texted you and you didn't answer. I had no idea where you were and when you would be coming home, if you were." Blaine answered calmly.

"You know I will always come home. Don't try and make me feel guilty. I'm going to bed, now." Kurt closed the fridge and moved to the door when he felt a hand around his wrist, preventing him from leaving.

"Blaine, let go."

"We need to talk, Kurt." Blaine said heavily, looking straight into Kurt's eyes.

"No, we don't. Now come to bed with me." Kurt tried to get his wrist back but apparently he had no such luck.

"We need to talk and you know it. You've been distant for no apparent reason and if I did something to upset you I need to know what it was." Blaine pleaded, pulling on Kurt's wrist to make him sit down.

"Of course you would think you did something wrong. Selfless, gentlemanly Blaine, always reporting the fault on his shoulders. But what if it was me, huh? What if I was the one to blame?" Kurt spat angrily then stormed out of the kitchen leaving a confused Blaine standing in his wake. Blaine had no other choice than to follow Kurt into the bedroom. He shut the door and stood in front of it, so Kurt wouldn't be able to leave this time.

"What do you mean, Kurt, you're the one to blame?" Kurt wasn't answering, he was folding his clothes and didn't, not one time, make eye contact with Blaine. So Blaine had no other choice than to cross the room and place his hand on Kurt's shoulder to get his attention.

"Kurt, baby. Please talk to me." Blaine tried again. Kurt burst into tears so Blaine hugged him, waiting for him to calm down so he'd be able to talk. But Kurt cried harder at the contact and at the soothing words Blaine was whispering into his ears.

"Please, Kurt. Baby, talk to me." Kurt bowed his head, took a deep breath and spoke up.

"I cheated on you."

 


	13. Chapter 13

Blaine stiffened in the embrace. He let go of Kurt and took a step back.

"You did what?"

"I…I cheated on you. There is no other explanation and I can't keep this to myself anymore. I'm sorry Blaine, I'm so sorry."

"When?"

"I don't know, it's just… It's a blur, it's all hands and faces and I don't know why it feels that way but it does and I don't want to think about what I did but I'm sure I did it. There is no other explanation! I'm so sorry Blaine." Kurt looked desperate and frantic, throwing his hand in the air and then gripping his hair, crying and trying to get his words out. Blaine's heart was bumping loudly in his ears and all he could see was his boyfriend falling apart.

"Wait," Blaine said cautiously, "What do you mean it's a blur and there are no other explanations?"

"I… It's my nightmares, Blaine." Kurt answered between two sobs. "It… there are faces now. And I don't know what it means other than I cheated on you before the accident and it's coming back to haunt me because it's always the same hands, and the same faces and I don't know, it's not… It's not a clear picture or scene but those are men's faces and men's hands and what else would that be?" Blaine let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Kurt had been so distant over the past days that he possibly _could've_ cheated, but it wasn't that. Kurt was under the _impression_ that he had cheated, not that he _did_ and it was two rather different things.

"Oh Kurt, come here." Blaine engulfed Kurt in a tight hug and didn't let go of him. "It's alright, those are just nightmares."

"It looks like nightmare Blaine, but it feels like memories. I can't help but feel that those are memories. What did I do?" Kurt was crying again against Blaine shoulder, and the firm body of Blaine against his was both soothing and a source of sorrow at the same time.

"Kurt, I'm sure that it must be people that you met and just stuck in your head, or clients you saw at work that were horrible. I'm sure it's nothing. You don't have to beat yourself like that about this. I love you, Kurt."

"But will you love me if I did it? Will you love me even if I did something that I can't remember right now?"

"I love you, for your qualities and also your flaws. I will love you no matter what, Kurt." _But will you?_ Blaine added in silence. Because he knew that at some point, in the near future Kurt was going to have his memory back, and then what will happen to them?

* * *

 

The next morning, Blaine left for school long before his first class and decided to phone Burt to let him know.

"Burt Hummel, what can I do for you?"

"Hello, Burt. It's Blaine."

"Hi kid, everything's fine?"

"Yes, you don't have to worry; Kurt is… he is fine." Blaine got out with difficulty. "He's had nightmares for some time now, and we didn't think too much about it at first. But now he thinks it might be memories." Blaine's throat was dry from the emotion of just saying it out loud.

"What are the nightmares about?" Burt's tone wasn't cold or wary, it was just questioning.

"Hum… Well, it's hum… It's about hands and faces, men faces, and Kurt thinks he cheated on me because of this." Blaine closed his eyes and put a hand over them. He didn't know why but this conversation was more difficult than he thought it would be.

"So he has flashback of him with other men but he feels guilty about it. Why are you the one telling me and not him? I swear that kid is like a cave: keeping all his secrets inside! You told him it was probably boyfriends he had or… or, you know?" Burt added, not sure how to end his sentence.

"I didn't, to be honest. I didn't know what to tell him. Why would he have boyfriends or _dates_ if we were together all this time?"

"Yeah, yeah. But I know my son, and he's going to beat himself up over this and going to think he cheated on you no matter what. You have to tell him the truth or find a good reason why he would see those men in his dreams." Burt argued. Blaine was able to feel where the conversation was going and he didn't like it.

"Nightmares, those are nightmares, not dreams. And Burt, if he is starting to remember, can we risk triggering his memory with the truth about the situation?" Blaine knew he was playing dirty, that he shouldn't lead Burt like that or that at least he should try to listen to the man. But he couldn't tell the truth to Kurt, he just couldn't.

"Listen kid, I'm sure that at this point the best thing to do is tell him the truth. He is starting to remember, which means that his mind, or whatever it is that regulates this, is functioning. I'm sure that telling him the truth will not trigger his memory. But you've also put yourself and my son in a tricky situation. I won't make you do something you're not comfortable with, and if you choose not to tell him I won't approve, but I'll understand." Burt warned Blaine. Blaine didn't say a thing and let Burt said goodbye to him before letting him hanging up.

He knew the right thing to do was probably to tell Kurt the truth, or maybe it was just the moral thing to do. Because who knew what the right thing to was, right? Telling Kurt that they had broken up at the end of Blaine's senior year could trigger his memory in one way or another no matter if he was starting to remember or not. But even if Blaine decided to tell him the truth, could he? Would he purposely put their relationship in danger? Would he purposely tell the man he loved more than anything in the world that he had lied to him about their relationship? Blaine knew he couldn't, he couldn't jeopardize his relationship with Kurt like that. He knew it was selfish and the immoral thing to do, but he couldn't help but fear that once Kurt would know the truth he wouldn't want to be with him and Blaine couldn't let that happen. He didn't want to lose Kurt, as selfish as it sounds. He wouldn't and couldn't tell Kurt the truth. He would navigate around it for as long as he could and try to show Kurt how perfect they were for each other for the remaining time they had.

 

* * *

 

Kurt's nightmares weren't getting worse, but they didn't disappear either. He would wake up in the middle of the night, feeling disgusted with himself and sweating, almost crying and utterly lost. Every single time Kurt reached out for Blaine, to bring him closer, to feel the heat of his boyfriend body against his, to smell his soothing scent and his firm arms around him, Blaine would capture Kurt's waist in a sleepy state to surround him with all the protection he could give. In those moments, the ones after his nightmare about nameless faces and the feeling of being alone, having Blaine there, all around him was soothing and was making him feel safer than he'd ever felt in his life. He felt safe, cared for and loved. He felt so much love from and for Blaine. The man, even in his sleep, was able to touch Kurt and to care for him like no one else could. In those moments, Kurt just lost himself in the cocoon of protection that was his boyfriend and drifted back to sleep. He never slept better than when he was tightly flushed against Blaine's body.

 

* * *

 

On a Saturday morning Kurt and Blaine were walking together, hand in hand with a cup of coffee in the other, just enjoying the cool air of January. New Years had passed fairly calmly, neither had really wanted to go out and party, so they just stayed together, in their home. Kurt had cooked and they kissed at midnight, smiling to each other and cuddling all night.

They were enjoying their walk, talking about little things or big projects for Blaine and the Glee club, until Kurt stopped and started to look around himself.

"I remember being here." Blaine frowned and answered jokingly:

"That might be because every time we go for a walk we come here." Kurt playfully smacked his arm and explained.

"No, not like that. I remember being here, before the accident. I remember the sun and the hot air." Blaine's smile vanished for a second. "I remember walking here and hearing music," Kurt turned around and guided Blaine down a little avenue while continuing to speak. "I remember hearing loud music and staying here a whole afternoon because some crew was dancing here. They were amazing and they stayed here longer than I did. I just stayed here all afternoon and watched them." Kurt faced Blaine suddenly and gripped the arms of the smaller man, eyes glistening with little tears. "I'm remembering something, Blaine." Kurt threw himself at Blaine and kept on repeating those three little words that were a source of happiness for him and were digging a hole in Blaine's chest. "I am remembering, I am remembering."

Blaine caught himself and hugged Kurt back, not so much to show him his affection and happiness but to ground him. He wasn't sure about himself right at the moment. Kurt had a flashback, of his life before the accident. His life without Blaine and full of men Blaine didn't know about. Kurt was starting to remember and this time it was much more than just some blurry nightmare, it was a full flashback with perception and feeling and details. Every single detail that Kurt was giving him was like a dagger in his body, he could feel them and had that terrible impression of losing himself and having a ton of bricks pressing against his chest. He was being tortured and mutilated by the happiness of the man he loved and there was nothing to do about it. He couldn't _not_ share Kurt's happiness about getting some of his memory back, what kind of boyfriend would he be? So he would, he would share Kurt's happiness as much as he could but he also knew that he would be in constant perpetual fear of Kurt getting all of his memory back. It could happen at any time, and what would happen then?

Kurt was lost in his monologue about that afternoon that he got back in flashback. He couldn't stop talking about it.

"And I know it is a memory because it's not blurry or just a faded picture, it's clear in my head. Those nightmares had to be some post traumatic thing-y, but this? This is a real memory Blaine! I can't believe it is finally happening. It's not much but, God, it feels so great to have something, anything back! It also feels weird, like it's not me or that I've been drunk for far too long and that I transformed something that someone told me in a memory but it's real and… I'm so happy, Blaine!"

Kurt pecked Blaine a lot of times and hugged him. Kurt couldn't have been happier about the situation while Blaine was dying of fear and insecurities.

 

* * *

 

Kurt was sitting on Sebastian's couch. It was one of those nights that Blaine and he took to spend time with their friends, and fortunately Kurt had a lot to share with his friend.

"So, Bas. I have some big news for you." Kurt said excitedly.

"I won't be the third member of your threesome, Princess. It's really appealing since you're both as sexy as my old aunt but I'll have to pass." Sebastian answered brushing Kurt's news with his hand. Kurt looked angry for a second and took it upon himself.

"I am not offering for you to have a threesome with us. I have something to tell you that is rather important." Kurt paused for the dramatic effect and continued. "I had a flashback the other day!"

The taller man looked unimpressed and raised an eyebrow at Kurt.

"Bas, I had a flashback about something that happened to me before my accident! My memory is coming back!" Kurt said excitedly, hoping that his friend would understand this time and shared his happiness. The man didn't, so Kurt explained. "I had – _have – those_ nightmares about nameless men and their hands are all over me, and I thought it was some memories at first, but it isn't and the other day I had a real memory back, Bas. A real memory!" Kurt accentuated every word of the last sentence, expecting his friend to catch up this time.

"Good for you, Kurt." Sebastian looked unfazed and obviously not in the same state of joy as Kurt.

"Can't you show a little more of happiness about this?"

"No." was Sebastian's answer. Kurt looked at his friend, mouth agape, and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Care to explain?" They were both looking fiercely and angrily at each other at this point.

"Oh, yes very much. You jumped into a relationship with Blaine when you could tell that something was off, I warned you but as usual you just did exactly what you wanted without thinking. Now you're having flashbacks about men and their hands while you're sleeping, Kurt. Please tell me you're not that stupid and that you actually can put two and two together. Because as much as you want to believe it, your nightmares aren't nightmares, those are memories and your precious little Blaine could've told you about this!" Sebastian was growling now, Kurt stood up quickly and grabbed his jacket.

"You know what? I'm tired of you! I had freaking amazing news to share with my friend, but as usual all you do is ruin everything by being your perpetual asshole self. I don't know what I did to deserve such a pathetic excuse of a friend. You don't want to be here for me for this? Fine, I won't bother you anymore!" Kurt shut the door loudly and stormed out of the building.

In the meantime Blaine was spending his evening with Santana. He had called the Latina because he desperately needed someone to talk to about Kurt and his memory; he couldn't keep all of this to himself anymore.

"Stop fidgeting, Bilbo. What is wrong with you tonight, I hadn't even have time to look at the menu that you look like you're about to explode. You don't have a vibrator plug up your ass, do you?" The girl enquired.

"What? No! I… Just look at your menu, we'll talk after."

They both quickly scanned the paper, already knowing what they wanted, the waitress came to take their orders and the second she disappeared, Blaine opened his mouth to talk.

"He is remembering." The man blurted out. Santana looked at him, eyes wide as saucers.

"He is… What?"

"Not everything but it's starting. The other day we were walking and he… he had a flashback, Tana. Nothing important, he had a flashback about an afternoon he spent in a park, but still. He… he is starting to remember."

The Latina eyed him and stayed silent for a minute. She looked like she was thinking a lot about what she was about to say and that made Blaine uncomfortable and scared, the girl didn't think before she spoke, that was the reason why she was so honest. So seeing her thinking and choosing her words before speaking was dreadful and unheard of.

"You have to tell him the truth about the relationship and why you and his father did that. You have to tell him about the pretense before he starts remembering anything else and discovers by himself what's happened."

Blaine mumbled something and the girl leaned closer to him to hear him.

"He what?"

"He already is having bad dreams about nameless men's faces. He doesn't understand why but I think it might be exes or one night stands he had." Blaine looked devastated just thinking that Kurt could have been with someone else, but then why would Kurt have stayed alone? He was gorgeous, talented and so smart, everyone wanted him.

"So he is starting to remember pieces and he has dreams about his exes. And you still haven't told him anything?"

"No." Blaine said a little bit ashamed.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Anderson? You are leading him on! Worse, he is having dreams and from what I know about him must be panicking and imagining the worst about those faces and what are you doing about it? Nothing! He must be beating himself up about this and you could be the one to relieve him from everything he is carrying on his shoulders but because you're a fucking moron you just keep everything to yourself because it's so much more comfortable. What is your big plan? Waiting 'til he remembers? Then what? You're going to lose him, Anderson. Why would you put him through that misery if you love him so much?" The girl shouted, standing and pointing at him furiously.

"You know what? I didn't come here to be judged or yelled at, Tana. Think what you want about me, judge me all you want. But you're not me and you don't have to fear any outcome of any of your decisions. You were the wrong person to come to about this." Blaine stood up, left money on the table to pay for their meals and left, without shooting, without a word misplaced but feeling utterly wrong and alone in this.

When they both reached their home that night all they wanted was to get into bed and cuddle with each other.

 

* * *

 

Kurt was standing in his kitchen looking suspicious. He turned around and tried to concentrate on one thing in particular. Whatever that he was doing didn't seem to work so he turned to look at something else and repeated the process at least three times before Blaine stopped him.

"Hum, baby? What are you doing exactly?" Blaine asked, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend waist.

"I'm trying to get a clear image." Blaine frowned then laughed at the concentrated expression on Kurt's face. "Don't laugh! I'm having déjà vu and I want to try to focus on it to have a new memory back."

Blaine froze but didn't let go of Kurt. He needed him for the support right now. Cautiously he asked.

"A new memory?"

"Yes, it's like I know I've been here before, doing something or looking for something but I don't know. It's fuzzy and infuriating!"

"So it's like trying to navigate when it's cloudy. You know there is something here but you can't get a hold on what that is."

"Yes! Exactly, and it doesn't matter how long I concentrate on things, it's all blurry and not a single memory is coming back."

Blaine relaxed a bit at his boyfriend words. One memory had come back, a little flashback, the rest was just one big question mark. Blaine could work with that, for now.

The days passed and Kurt was still having nightmares, Blaine was there every time to catch him and soothe him after it. But Kurt seemed more and more afflicted every morning and Blaine knew that the dreams were tiring him and saddening him, but he couldn't bring himself to sit them down and just say the truth. Kurt was beating himself up over it and Blaine knew that, he knew that he could solve all the inner problems that Kurt was having by just saying the truth but then what? How would their relationship be affected by that? He couldn't risk it but he couldn't stand to see Kurt like that either and it killed him. Blaine was torn and every second that passed was just a fight against himself and his conscience about what to do.

 

* * *

 

They were cuddling in bed, wrapped into each other, placing little kisses here and there. It was their safe place: being in the arms of each other. Nothing was safer than the arms of the one you loved with all your being. But Blaine was still struggling with the decision he was making every second of every hour not to tell the truth.

"Kurt?" The brunette hummed and placed a light kiss on Blaine's lips. "Will you still love me if you get all of your memory back? Will you love me no matter what?" Kurt tightened his embrace and nodded into his boyfriend's neck.

"I will, Blaine. You know I will. Nothing could make me stop loving you. I feel cared for, I feel strong and safe when I'm with you. I love you for all your greatness and all the little flaws." Kurt kissed Blaine's cheek, his nose and locked eyes with him. "Nothing could make me stop loving you." Kurt said once again.

Blaine closed his eyes, seeing all the times he could have told Kurt about the situation, seeing all the beautiful moments they had shared together, all the fights and struggles they had to come by to become what they were. They were strong and together, it was the perfect moment to tell him.

Blaine opened his eyes and looked at Kurt and for the first time in a while he didn't just see the man he loved more than anything else in the world. He also saw the man that had broken his heart into millions of pieces, shattered it and never looked back, he saw the man that had stopped loving him.

Blaine knew he wouldn't be able to say a word about the situation. He couldn't look at Kurt and not be able to see love in his eyes. Because the minute he would once again see that in Kurt's eyes he knew it would kill him and that fear transcended the urge to be moral and do the right thing.

 


	14. Chapter 14

Blaine was quietly grading some papers, waiting for Kurt in the living room when he heard the front door open with a loud crash. Quickly after, Sebastian barged into the room like he owned the place.

"Hum, Sebastian? What are you doing here and can't you knock?"

"Ah, Elijah Wood, didn't see you behind the couch. Where's Kurt?" Blaine stood up and crossed his arms over his chest. He didn't like the way Sebastian was behaving. This wasn't his place and he had no right to talk to him the way he did.

"Look ,Sebastian, I'd appreciate it if you could knock or ring the doorbell and wait before entering this apartment. Please. Besides, Kurt isn't here and I would be forever grateful if you could talk to me politely." Sebastian looked at Blaine cautiously before stepping in his personal space and smirking at the curly man.

"You might be fucking hot, Anderson, but you are as stupid as a broomstick. You made Kurt miserable before he started having his memory back, you made him miserable after he got some of his memory back, you lied to Kurt, you get yourself involved in a relationship with someone you don't know anymore and got into in a situation that is bound to blow up in your face. I don't like that you are still lying to him even if he is getting some memories back. So don't push me. I'm here to talk to Kurt, not you. "

They stared angrily at each other, not saying a word. Kurt chose that very specific moment to come back and looked at the two men with a frown on his face.

"Hum, guys? Are you okay?" Kurt asked tentatively.

"Your boyfriend is just being stupid." Sebastian started; he stopped Kurt from saying anything and just continued. "I'm sorry for the other day, okay? I'm not sorry for what I said because I stand my ground, but for the way I did it. Subtlety and all that crap isn't my forte."

Kurt looked from Sebastian to his boyfriend and mouthed an 'are you okay?' Blaine waved at him and plopped down on the floor, still angry at Sebastian but not wanting to be involved in the conversation.

"You were just being you: arrogant and pushy. It's alright. I don't like what you said but I appreciated that you came all the way here to apologize." Kurt shrugged and led Sebastian to the kitchen so they could talk and have a snack. Kurt started to talk about his memory and his flashback. He talked a bit about the dreams but didn't want to push his luck with Sebastian and passed it quickly. He told him about the weird feeling he got every time he had a nightmare and the fact that he remembered one little afternoon.

At some point Blaine joined them in the kitchen. He lightly kissed Kurt's temple and started to cook dinner. Sebastian stopped listening to Kurt. At this point the man was just on a roll about some jeans or vest or something, nothing fascinating. Sebastian watched how Kurt lit up when Blaine entered the room, how he leant into the kiss. He also saw how much love there was in that little gesture. It was really nothing, just a domesticated silly thing, vaguely disgusting if you'd ask him, but Sebastian understood all the importance it had for Kurt. Without stopping his now full-blown rambling about shops or TV programs Kurt stood up and started to help Blaine. One was chopping and the other stirring whatever was on the pan. They didn't block each other's movement, they were sickeningly in sync. It wasn't even hard for them, they didn't have to try, it was natural. They also never stopped touching, the elbow, the legs, a quick kiss. Sebastian rolled his eyes more than once during the whole thing. Sebastian wanted to vomit at the cuteness and the love that the two men in front of him were showing. But the most important thing was that Sebastian saw happiness on Kurt's face for the first time, ever. He had seen him joyful or cheerful but never that genuinely happy.

"Bas? Do you want to stay for dinner?"

"Oh for fuck's sake, no! You two are disgusting and you're lucky I have no gag reflex. I'm out! Kurt, you'd better call me before the end of the week and this time no talking about fucking clothes!" Sebastian quickly left the room and shut the door as loudly as he opened it.

"We should get the lock changed." Blaine muttered, Kurt laughed at his boyfriend and kissed him fully on the mouth.

"He is irritating but at least he apologizes. And somehow he is a good friend." Kurt stated, not sure if he should asked what the two of them had been talking about before he arrived.

"Yeah, but I'm still getting the lock changed, first thing tomorrow."

* * *

 

_A quick flash appeared to Kurt, he looked on his right,and a yellow-ish taxi passed quickly, too quickly. As he turned around another shot of light hit the sky, or what seemed to be the sky. It was cold and probably at night, it was dark so yeah, definitely night. Kurt could feel the rain but not see it; all he was seeing was the same yellow taxi, and flashing light. He also had this impression; like he should stop something, or do something, he wasn't even sure he could move. And then there were these feelings that shot through him. It was pain and loneliness; he could feel that he was tired and sad, cold - probably from the rain - but lonely, desperately lonely. The night was dark and Kurt again saw the flash of a taxi, some stairs,the rain and then… nothing._

Kurt woke up, frightened. He immediately reached for Blaine and hugged him, almost crushing his bones in a tight embrace. He wanted to feel Blaine, to get his love for the man passed from his body to his. Blaine sleepily hugged back and kissed Kurt's neck.

"Everything alright, baby?" Kurt shook his head and tried to calm his breath. Blaine must have sensed it because he woke up fully and laid Kurt on his back, he leaned on his elbow and start petting the journalist's hair.

"Tell me what happened." Blaine asked, placing kisses everywhere on Kurt's face to make him relax.

"It's not so much the nightmare. I mean, it is scary but it's the feelings that creeps me out. It's like my subconscious and my body are awakening and with them some memory or feelings and I don't like it. I don't know what it is; I don't know what to do with it. I'm so scared, Blaine." Kurt rolled into his boyfriend arms and hid from the world for a few seconds. "It's like my whole being is trying to tell me something, to show me something from, from before and I don't get the message. It's just cold and sadness."

"Oh, baby. Shh, I'm here, I'm right here. We'll figure it out, alright? We will figure out what those messages are, what they mean and why you had those nightmares. And every time you have them, I'll be here, I'll be catching you and I'll be here to listen to you. You don't have to face this alone. I'm, here, I'm not leaving you alone in this." Blaine promised to his sobbing boyfriend, his heart breaking for the man he was holding.

* * *

 

Kurt was typing furiously on the computer, scrolling and deleting. He had told Blaine that he was adding the last changes to his paper today, so Blaine had wanted to do something for his boyfriend. He waited for Kurt to really finish his paper and when the man closed the computer a broad smile on his face, Blaine knew Kurt just finished it. He grabbed a bouquet from behind his chair and handed it to Kurt.

"These are to celebrate you." Blaine simply said, hoping Kurt would get the reference.

"Red and yellow roses. Our flowers!" Kurt beamed and then threw his arms around his boyfriend's neck. They stayed tightly bounded to each other for few minutes and then Kurt disentangled himself.

"I made us dinner." Blaine added. Kurt looked at him suspiciously but didn't say a word; instead he let Blaine took the flowers from his hands and put them into a jar. Minutes later Blaine came back with two plates full of food.

"This is slow-cooked honey and sesame chicken with basmati rice." Blaine announced placing the plates in front of his and Kurt's places.

"This is why it smelled so good!" Kurt pointed and then started to eat. "Oh my god, Blaine, this is delicious."

"I'm glad you like it, it's for you. To celebrate the fact that you finished your article." Kurt smiled at him and took his hand, not letting it go for the rest of the meal. The finished with meringue blueberry pie, and once again Kurt praised Blaine for his cooking.

Blaine put on some soft music and offered his hand to Kurt.

"May I have this dance?" He asked softly. Kurt stood up and took his boyfriend hand; they danced slowly, moving from one foot to the other, swinging softly with the music.

"This is nice." Kurt said, his face nuzzling into Blaine's neck.

"I'm glad you liked it. I wanted to make something special for you tonight." Blaine confessed.

"It was lovely. You made me feel special, tonight. Thank you, love." Kurt kissed tenderly Blaine, looking deeply into his eyes.

"Anything for you, Kurt."

They cleaned quickly and after some nightly skin care routine they both fell into bed. Kurt was tracing patterns on Blaine's chest while the curly-haired man stroked Kurt's hair. They stayed silent for minutes, enjoying being with each other and communicating their love by simple gestures.

"Do you… Do you think about having children, sometimes?" Kurt wondered aloud, barely above a whisper. Blaine's hand stopped in Kurt's hair for a second before returning to its activity.

"You mean, having children with you? Yeah…" Blaine confessed before adding; "All the time."

They both returned to their silent state, letting this information sank.

"How do you see our life in ten years?" Kurt asked again.

"I want us to be married, to have one or two children, a big house and a dog. But really all I want is to be with you. In ten years, I want to be with you." Blaine stroke Kurt's hair and spoke up. "What about you? Where do you see us in ten years?"

"I see us happy. In love and happy."

* * *

 

Two days later the two men were sitting in the living room at night each working on their projects. Kurt had heard back from his boss and was now rewriting some part or making a few changes while Blaine was going through songs and themes and ideas for the next Glee class. The rain was pouring outside and it was one of those very dark nights where everything was gloomy and being home made you feel like you were safe.

They loved working next to each other, they didn't need to talk or to look at each other, just knowing that the other was near and there was enough. The lightening had increased over the past half hour and every time Kurt jumped at the light and the thunder after that. It made Blaine smile every time he saw his boyfriend make a jump in the air.

Suddenly a vigorous light broke the dark night and a very loud thunder roared in the silence of their flat, those two things were followed by the light going off and on very quickly.

"Oh my god." Kurt stopped typing and looked at Blaine.

"I remember… My fall, I remember it. The stairs, the rain, I was just getting out of a taxi and slipped!" Blaine was frozen on the spot, he had no idea what Kurt remembered beside the fall, maybe he also remembered… The rest.

"Well, that's not a very pleasant memory to get back." Kurt added after a few seconds of silence. Blaine cracked a fake smile but remained deadly silent. "It was raining the night I fell, maybe that's why I got this memory back, but then again it's rained a lot since I lost my memory so it's probably not that. Blaine?"

Blaine's head shot back up and he locked eyes with his boyfriend. He forced a smile on his face and tried to bury every feeling that was creeping on him right at the moment.

"That… It's not the best memory you could've got back but it's something. Right?" Blaine said tentatively, not trusting himself.

"I…Yeah, I'd rather have something else back but there is something, I don't know, off about that flashback? I mean it's clear in my head, I was walking way too fast and didn't pay attention to anything and I stupidly slipped but it's like there is something I should know about that night but I can't pinpoint what that is. I don't know if it's something or someone or …. I feel like I should remember something important but I can't. You'd tell me right? If I was missing out something important? Right?" Kurt asked, unsure. Blaine crawled closer to Kurt and took him in his arms, not able to lie to the man he loved while looking into his eyes.

"Yeah," Blaine started weakly, "I'd tell you."

* * *

 

It was morning and Kurt hated mornings or getting out of bed. Blaine always got up so early it was ridiculous. _Who needs to wake up that early anyway_? Kurt thought whilst getting out of the bed. He didn't have any appointments or meetings today so he could've stayed in bed all morning but Kurt loved having breakfast with his boyfriend.

February had just begun and even if it was fairly early the sun was bathing the whole room with light. The sky was clear blue and it was easy to say that even if it was going to be a beautiful day it would be very cold one as well. Little snowflakes were frozen beside the window and you could see all the chimneys expelling as much steam as they could. Kurt loved those mornings though, he found them so very romantic. He made his way to the kitchen and waited until the coffee brewed; he poured some in his mug and didn't hear the shower so he just deduced that Blaine would be out of the bathroom by now. Kurt went back to the room to find his boyfriend half naked and searching for a shirt. They were supposed to stay in all day today so Blaine was just looking for an old but soft shirt to go with his sweatpants.

Blaine put his shirt on and he heard a loud noise coming from the door of the room.

Kurt's mug crashed down on the floor the second Blaine put his shirt on, splashing coffee everywhere.

Blaine turned to face his boyfriend and saw what happened.

Kurt had a look of pure horror and shock on his face. One hand came to cover his mouth while the other pointed weakly at Blaine's shirt.

"That's… I remember…" Kurt started, eyes flickering between the shirt and Blaine's face. "I broke up with you."

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

Blaine stood there, waiting for Kurt to elaborate. He didn't dare to move, too afraid of the outcomes of any of his moves.

"I broke up with you, Blaine." Kurt repeated like he needed to say it one more time to be sure this bit of flashback was real. "That's… That's the shirt you were wearing when I broke up with… you." He finished he sentence in a whisper and looked up at Blaine. Kurt saw fear, shock and embarrassment on the man's face. He didn't need any other clue to know that it was real. They had broken up. This piece of information and Blaine's silence, the stress of many weeks took control and Kurt broke down.

"So it's true then? I did break up with you? Do you remember how I did this Blaine?" Kurt stepped forward at every question, furious that the man hadn't even told him that before. "Answer me, Blaine! I broke up with you, not face to face but on freaking Skype! Do you remember that? Because now, I do! So tell me, what didn't you tell me before?"

Blaine's head was bowed down, he didn't move and even if he had wanted to he couldn't. The shock of Kurt's flashback and the venom in every word he was saying froze his spine. The fear of the outcome paralysed him, he could feel his heart pounding in his chest, he could see Kurt coming onto him. He had no idea what to say or what to do. Nothing could change things now. He had no other choice than to try and fix what was left to fix, if Kurt even gave him the chance to.

"Do you remember that we fought for weeks? We didn't even talk to each other at the end! How could you hide this from me? Did we even get back together?" Kurt looked frantic, the aftershock of the flashback and the realization of what it could imply was pushing him into a state of despair. He was furious and Blaine, not saying a word, was even more infuriating.

"Answer me, Blaine! For once since I woke up at the hospital, just tell me the truth for fuck's sake! Did we even get back together?" Kurt was now yelling, too far gone to even care if the neighbors would overhear them.

"We didn't." Blaine said, his voice barely above a whisper. Kurt laughed bitterly at that and threw his hand in the air.

"Oh, right. So fucking perfect! So let me sum it up. I broke up with you, we never got back together and you pretend for months to be my boyfriend! Are we even friends?!"

"We… The first time I… I visited you at the hospital, that was the first time we… we saw each other since, since the break up." Blaine tried as hard as he could to make eye contact with Kurt and to steady his voice. But he just couldn't. Everything was running out of his reach, he was losing a battle against himself and Kurt's anger; there were no way Kurt would calm down after this. Blaine just waited for the next fit, not ready to hear whatever Kurt had to say.

"Oh my god! You played my pretend boyfriend for months when we hadn't seen each other for years! This was all just a lie. None of this is real." Kurt motioned everything and anything really, just talking about their life for a few months now and all the little things that were theirs. "You pretended to be my boyfriend for what freaking purpose, Blaine? Was one single thing at least almost the truth in all of that?!"

Blaine tried to interrupt Kurt because, yes. So much had been the truth and almost nothing of this was a lie to Blaine anymore, he wanted to reach for Kurt and to sit him down and to explain everything, he wanted to tell him all the things that were right and true. But Kurt didn't even let him talk, continuing his banter.

"So in the end you never even dreamt about us having children or never even wanted to be here! God, did you also fake all your orgasms? Do you even find me attractive?! Do you even love me or was that also a lie? How can you have stood there all those nights and those days going on and on about how much you loved me when you don't even know who I am! I don't even know who I am, Blaine, so tell me, how can you love me when you have no idea what kind of man I am? What was that for you Blaine? A sick little game to see what you could have had but didn't? Or is it a twisted manipulation to break me beyond repair to finally avenge yourself because I broke up with you?!" Kurt was brutal and crude but he couldn't help himself. This was too much. He couldn't bear to face this situation without anger. He knew he should've stayed calm and just given Blaine the silent treatment and just told him to leave. This is what he did with all those people that had made fun of him in high school and for what he knew even after. But this is not how you can expect someone to react when all he knows about his current life and love is just nothing but a hard cold lie.

So Kurt was yelling and screaming everything he had on his chest, maybe mean but for what he knew, the man in front of him hadn't really spared him anything, so why should he?

"You promised, Blaine. You promised me to tell me if I had to remember something important. Don't you think this was important? Or do you think that our relationship or whatever that was wasn't even important enough to be mentioned?! I can't even say what is the truth or what is a lie. Are you even being your real self? Or is this just all pretend 'til I'm all calmed down?"

With every single word Blaine just curled up on himself, his arms wrapped around him protectively. This was even worse than anything he had imagined.

Because even if you can imagine the words, you can never imagine the pain that runs through your body, the cold tone of the man you love, the pounding in your chest and the way every single little word is just like a dagger cutting you over and over.

 Blaine was ashamed, of what he did, of how far he let himself fall for the pretense but most importantly for how he was handling the situation right now. Once again he was just standing there, taking it and didn't even try to make it right.

 

 _There is nothing to make right, Blaine. You screwed up like you always do._ Blaine told himself over and over while Kurt was pacing in the room.

 

"Who are you? Really, Blaine, who are you? Because I certainly don't recognize the man I used to love in high school. Get out. Get out of _my_ place. You're not welcome anymore. I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear from you. Whatever this was for you: a joke, a play or a way to get back at me for hurting you; whatever this was, it's over. Get out!"

Blaine quickly gathered some of belonging: his keys, his shoes, a coat and his wallet and stepped out of the bedroom. Kurt was waiting, door open.

"Get out." His voice was no longer hysteric, it was icy and menacing. Blaine walked outside of the apartment, turning around to catch the last chance he had to say something and just do something for them and for himself but Kurt violently shut the door without a last word.

Blaine stood in front of the door for ten minutes, waiting for something, anything. Kurt to open it up and slap him, or jump into his arms, telling him that he wanted to talk or anything. Blaine would've taken anything from Kurt. But the door didn't open and Blaine just stood there, watching it. His heart was still pounding in his chest, his legs would not be able to carry him anywhere. He felt like life had been ripped out of his chest and twisted in front of his eyes for the second time in six years.

And it was all his fault. Once again, he had managed to screw things up so badly that he ended up miserable. He left the building slowly, giving Kurt some time if he had second thoughts. But Kurt never came after him and Blaine took the first cab that stopped for him.

Back in the apartment Kurt had fallen down onto the floor, back to the door and was crying. He was crying for the Blaine he had known in high school, for what he thought was true love and was just a lie; he cried for him, for his older self and his new self who had no one in his life. He cried for whatever version of himself because no matter which one he was at the moment, they were all utterly lost and devastatingly alone.

* * *

 

Blaine stumbled into his old place. Well, his and Cooper's place to be exact. He hadn't been there in month and the place wasn't all that clean. He didn't care; nothing was relevant at the moment. Blaine took his phone and dialled Burt's number. Kurt had thrown him out but Blaine knew that he had to ask someone to go check on Kurt, because no matter how bad Blaine felt Kurt must have been even worse.

He didn't get Burt but left a message on the voice mail and hung up. He turned it off and walked to his room. It looked depressing and lifeless, it looked cold and empty. It felt wrong, mostly. Blaine shut the curtains. He didn't want to see the sun, didn't want to hear people outside. He didn't want to know that life was going on when he felt like nothing would ever be alright again. So he shut the curtain and crawled into bed and did what he knew the best. He closed off and cut off everything. He didn't call anyone, he didn't eat, he didn't sleep, he didn't even take time to get rid of his clothes and he lay there, under the blanket in shock, waiting for the heavy stone to settle on his heart, the coldness to take over his body and the hole to burn his chest like he knew would happen.

 

Outside people were starting their days in the cold February. They were sipping coffee to warm up, meeting loved ones; they were getting ready for the day and meeting each other for breakfast. The day had started with a beautiful dawn that had turned into a promising sunny morning. Life was going on and Blaine couldn't have cared less.

* * *

 

Someone was martyrizing the door. There were no other words for the way to describe the pounding against it. Kurt had waited and hoped that the person behind the door would just give up but apparently that wasn't even an option. So he reluctantly dragged himself around the apartment and opened it. He saw Sebastian standing there and tried to shut it quickly but the man used his leg and foot to stop him. He pushed the door open and let himself in before closing it.

"What the hell do you want?" Kurt spat, looking angrily at the taller man.

Sebastian took a look at his friend and his place. From what he knew the shit storm had happened the day before and obviously had made some damage because the place was a mess. Tissues were scattered everywhere, some food was spilled on the floor, a large box with random stuff that seemed to belong to Blaine was put in a corner… and Kurt. Kurt looked like hell. He had dark circles under his red swollen eyes, probably from the crying, he was wearing stained sweat pants and didn't look like he had taken a shower at all that day. But he was also wearing that dark expression that Sebastian had seen before, a long time ago. The first time Kurt had broken up with Blaine, actually. He looked like someone had just ripped his chest open, took one of his vital organs and squeezed it painfully; like his heart was missing and nothing could replace it.

"I said: what the hell do you want? Are you here to laugh at me now that it's over and I know the truth? Ha-fucking-ha, stupid gay face that can't see whether a man is lying to him or not. Lady face that can't seem able to get a boyfriend and when he thought he had one was just one big fat lie! Go ahead, laugh all you want at my expense, I won't stop you." Kurt turned to go to the kitchen but stopped before turning back to Sebastian.

"You!" Kurt said pointing accusingly at the taller man that had yet to say a word. "Who claimed to be my friend, what the hell stopped you from saying anything? What were you waiting for? Was it like a bet? How long does Hummel take to finally understand what a joke he is and none of this is real? Are you even my friend?" Kurt was back to his previous state of hysteria where nothing made sense and all he could do was yell at the people in front of him.

"Go ahead Smythe, for once in your life, man up and tell me what the fuck you were waiting for?" Sebastian didn't say a word and slapped Kurt hard and right on the cheek. Kurt stood there, shocked by the act.

"Are you going to calm down?" Sebastian asked, waiting for Kurt to realize the state he had been in. It took Kurt a few seconds to get over the initial shock of the slap and then proceed to glare at the man.

"What do you want, Bas?" Kurt said, this time calmly.

"I came here to check on you. Got a phone call from your father. He'll be here in the evening. He said he had some explaining to do."

Kurt just waved at him dismissively and sat down on the couch. He put the blanket on his lap and laid his head on a pillow. He didn't go to sleep and instead stared in front of him. Sebastian knew better than to try to talk to him and he decided to tidy the place instead. Just because Kurt was a mess didn't mean his place had to be as well.

Burt arrived hours later from DC. His face was the image of pain and anxiousness. Sebastian told the man where Kurt was and how he had found him before letting himself out of the building, this wasn't going to be pretty and the Hummel needed time to fix this in family.

"Kurt? Buddy?" Burt heard a muffled noise from the couch and he made his way there, to find a little ball of Kurt. "Hey, there. I'm sorry it took me so much time to get here." Kurt didn't move so Burt sat himself as well as he could on the little space he had on the couch.

"Talk to me kiddo, what happened? All I had was a voicemail from Blaine yesterday evening saying that you remembered and you needed me." Kurt sighed heavily and moved the blanket a little so he could see his father and speak audibly.

"Who did this? Who had that idea?" Burt closed his eyes and scratched his head, taking a deep breath and answering truthfully.

"It was my idea. I asked Blaine to come to the hospital when I saw that you didn't remember anything. The doctor said that anything could trigger your memory in one way or another. I didn't want to take any risks so I did what I thought was right. I didn't know things would escalate like that. You asked Blaine to move in pretty quickly and I didn't know what to do but keep this thing going. Because like I said, the doctor …"

"Told you that anything could trigger my memory. Yes, alright. I got that. But why did you choose this instead of anything else? This was a high school romance, nothing devastating. You could've hidden anything else. So why that?" Kurt's tone had turned harsh and accusing.

"Kurt, your relationship with Blaine was never just a high school romance, it's always been more. Knowing that you didn't have that special thing in your life could've been trigger-y. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do." Burt tried to explain himself.

"So you told him to pretend to be my boyfriend, to tell me that he loved me and all that jazz until shit hit the fan just for my well-being?" Kurt sat up quickly, making Burt lose his balance for a second. The man sat down more comfortably on the couch and once again tried to explain his motives to his son.

"No, I didn't tell him to do that. I wanted him to be around and to pretend to be your boyfriend, that much is true. But him saying that he loves you and everything else relative to his feelings and actions are from his initiative. But the boyfriend idea was mine. So don't go blaming this on him. The situation is here because of me."

"Well that makes things so much easier then! It's definitely not his fault and completely yours, things are solved, everyone can go home happy! So this is yours and his fault equally, along with everyone that walked by me, knowing me and the situation and didn't say a word. How am I supposed to trust people when you all lied to me about something that important? Do you know what it feels like to be betrayed by everyone you love in your life? I thought we had each other's backs, Dad. What happened to that, huh?"

"Hey there, kiddo. I'm here for you, and I did this for you. Granted, that was probably not my best idea ever but I am a parent. And that means that sometimes I had to make a decision I don't like for my kid's well-being. I'm nothing but human and sometimes I make mistakes, lying to you was one of them and I'm sorry about that. But try to see things from my perspective for a second: if someone says that telling the truth to your child might hurt him, do you take the chance to cause irreparable damage to him? I couldn't Kurt. You're my son and I'll try to protect you even if it's against your own mind. Maybe this wasn't the right thing to do, but I'm not sure telling would've been either."

Kurt puffed and flopped down on the couch, head under his blanket.

"Leave me alone, Dad. I need time. I'm mad at you like never before and I can't lose you too. I can't lose everyone in two days but if you stay around me I'm going to be really mean to you. So just, give me time and leave me alone. You can take my room for tonight if you want, but you're leaving tomorrow morning."

Burt stood up and made his way to the bedroom. He didn't get much sleep that night and imagined all the other things he could've done and how things would've ended if he had chosen one of them.

* * *

 

Blaine barely made it through the week. He wasn't sleeping nor was he feeding himself. Guilt was eating him alive and his old demons were back. The feeling of not being enough, of being so useless that he couldn't get one thing right no matter how hard he tried. He didn't matter, _nothing_ mattered, his best would never be enough. He was bound to be a disappointment no matter what.

He gave the worst Glee class ever. Not being able to teach the student anything and letting them take over the class like he had done before. He had quickly shut himself down, not answering Santana's texts or Jeff and Nick's calls. He was once again dead to the world. He would go to school and go home nothing more, nothing less.

* * *

 

Cooper went back to his place as happy as a man that had been paid to be shirtless around twenty women for six months could be. He had a big smile on his face and knew his agent had something big for him. He entered the flat only to find all the curtains closed even though it was the middle of the afternoon and the place looked like it had been robbed. Or that some homeless guy had decided to use their place. Dirty clothes and maybe clean clothes were hanging from weird places and the dust was so thick on furniture that Cooper could draw clear penises on them. He looked for someone only to find Blaine's room in the dark.

He knew his brother wasn't completely happy but having his room pitch black wasn't common.

"Blainers? I can't see shit, you in there?" Cooper asked tentatively. A muffled sound came from under what seemed to be the bed and Cooper made his way around the room. He couldn't see anything so he decided to open the curtains, this was ridiculous. It was the middle of the day, what the hell was going on? When he turned back to see his brother the man froze. This room was even messier than the rest of the flat. Bottles of alcohol stood everywhere, clothes, sheets of papers, tissues. The room was a mess.

Cooper got to the bed and tried to pick under the blanket to see if his brother was even alive. Blaine looked up at him and Cooper for the first time in his life understood how unhappy Blaine was. For the first time in his life he knew what desperation and self-loathing looked like. He decided to save those images in his head, for when he'll have to play a part that needed those emotions, and gently tucked Blaine's curls behind an ear.

"Hey baby bro. What happened to you?"

"I messed up, once again. Like always."

"What are you talking about?" Cooper waited for an answer but nothing came. He stayed there, not knowing what to do and awkwardly petted his brother's head for several minutes. Blaine didn't talk to him, didn't make a sound and Cooper found himself completely lost.

A loud crash came from the door and Blaine didn't even flinch. Then Cooper heard a high pitched voice screaming in Spanish and promising to cut someone balls off from what he gathered.

Santana barged into Blaine's room only to meet a scared Cooper Anderson and a Blaine/blanket burrito.

"What the hell, Anderson? I had to learn from Hummel himself half an hour ago that shit got real and that he knew about the break up. What the fuck happened to you during a week?" The only answer she got was an awkward smile from Cooper. She moved to the bed and saw exactly what Cooper had before - Blaine was a mess.

"Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck do you think you're doing, Anderson?" Cooper pointed at himself and asked bewildered.

"Me?"

"Who else, genius? Yes, you! You call yourself a big brother but the only one big thing you've got is your ego! When the fuck did you last call him? I bet my breast implants you have no idea what is going on here! Just go get ice cream or another chair for your ego and come back when you'll be useful for something else than stealing my oxygen." Cooper didn't move instantly, confused by the situation. His inactions just made the girl angrier; "Just move already!"

Cooper finally got the use of his legs back and got out of the room. The Latina made her way around the bed and went under the blanket like she could; she engulfed Blaine in a tight hug and didn't say a thing. If there was one thing that she learned from the last time Blaine had been dead to the world it was that all he needed was time and someone to hear him when he was ready. It didn't mean that the girl wasn't worried for her favorite Hobbit though.

 


	16. Chapter 16

Kurt found himself alone in his now empty flat. His dad had left just like he'd asked and now he was completely alone with his thoughts. Now he was able to actually think about everything that had happened.

From the flashback to everything that had come tumbling down with that discovery. Blaine,  he hadn't been in a relationship for five or six years and for some unknown reason Blaine had agreed to his father's plan to pretend they were.

This also meant that Kurt knew even less about his life than he thought. Did he have boyfriends? Lovers? What had he been doing during all these years? Was the magazine his only income?

 

Basically who was he?

 

It was now painfully obvious why Blaine hadn't been able or keen to answer any of his questions. He had the same amount of information about Kurt as Kurt himself in his state. Kurt was trying to gather every little bit of information about himself that he could. But it wasn't much.

He knew he was probably single, working for a magazine and Sebastian was his friend. But beyond this he knew nothing. He couldn't be exactly like he was five years ago but then again could he have changed that much?

In a desperate need to know who he was Kurt called Sebastian to come over so they could have a boy night. For once the man didn't make any sexual jokes at Kurt's poor choice of words. When Sebastian arrived at the apartment hours later he was greeted with a now clean place but Kurt still looked like a truck had run over him. They both sat on the couch, eating some weird food that Kurt had prepared for them.

"So, not that I'm not enjoying myself, but why did you call?" Kurt sighed and put his plate aside.

"I have no idea who I am. I don't know anything about my life. I'm so mad at you for not telling me anything but my need to know who I am is much stronger than my hate for you. So, would you tell me? About my life?" Kurt finished shyly.

"Well I'm so happy to know that the reason why I'm here tonight is because you're enjoying my presence. Such an ego boost, Hummel." Sebastian barked, trying to fight a bit with Kurt like they used too, but judging by the look on the other man's face this was no time to joke. "Okay, okay. No bitch remark for tonight. I'll do my best. So, what do you want to know about your life?"

"I don't know, anything important I guess. Who I am, basically." The taller man took a deep breath and rubbed his face in prevision of the enormous task he had in front of him.

"Okay, so who are you. Well you're Kurt Hummel, working for a fashion magazine, you're bitchy as fuck and have, what some could call, great taste in clothes." Kurt sat back in the couch glaring at his friend.

"Fine. Hum, let see. I'm not going to sugarcoat things so if it becomes too much just stop me okay?" Kurt nodded and Sebastian continued. "Okay so you work too much, way too much, you're good at what you're doing and you push yourself hard. That's probably why your editor didn't kick you out because of your condition. You have no life beside work or well… You go out - _we_ go out actually - to club. And most of the time you just drink and pick up a man to go home with. Since high school you never had another boyfriend but you had countless hook-ups. You don't talk to your father enough, you still find Rachel Berry annoying as fuck, you're still a freak with healthy food even if you binge on pizza and cheesecake for some reason."

Kurt tried to follow the flow of words and to collect and save every new piece of information. It was a lot to take in. Well not the part about the food and Rachel but the one about his job and the hook-ups.

"So, I'm really…alone? Besides all the …men that I brought home, I have no one beside my friends?"

"I won't comment about the friend part and shit, but yes, Kurt. You don't talk about it and you never really admit it to in a non-drunken state but you feel desperately alone. That's why you work so much and try to forget it by having that much sex. It's not healthy but that's your way of coping with life. Everyone has their own."

Kurt nodded silently, looking down at his hands folded in his lap. So the dream he had had about men, and all those faces and hands were probably flashbacks about hook-ups. And the feeling that came with it, the fact that some part of him enjoyed it but felt so wrong with it would have been him feeling so alone that the only thing he could think of was sex, even if it didn't feel right at all and even if it didn't erase his loneliness.

Sebastian must have sensed his friend's distress; he scooted closer and took Kurt in his arms.

"Hey, it's alright. You did great things too Kurt. You graduated, found an amazing job at which you’re freaking talented at, you bought a fucking condo in New York and you almost got a taste of my amazing self." Kurt looked up alarmed at his friend.

"I almost got what?"

"Cheer up Hummelina, we almost had sex back when we were in college. We never made it to the bed and never got our clothes off. Nothing happened, you can breathe again." At the same time Kurt let out a deep breath he had been holding. "Maybe you should try to find your old phone and computer, go through mails and pictures and stuff? That might help you."

They spent the rest of the evening watching some movies until the taller man left. Kurt found himself alone in his apartment, again. He started to search his phone and computer just like Sebastian had told him too. It took him an hour to find it, hidden under boxes and clothes and paper.

Kurt opened his phone and tapped in the code Sebastian had given him. He had also made a comment about "fucking sneaking bastard Anderson" but Kurt had blocked any thoughts about the man so he didn't comment.

The minute the phone was on, a flow of unread texts popped onto the screen. Kurt started to read some, afraid of having missed something really important.

 

_[From Christian]_

_Babe, stop playing hard to get. It's boring. I just need a quick fuck, come over tonight, k?_

 

_[From Paul]_

_Hummel get your ass in my bed, it needs to be reacquainted with my dick._

 

_[From unknown]_

_Hey, sorry to disturb you, but I forgot my jacket at your place when I left that morning, can I come over and get it and maybe we could have a repeat of that night?_

 

_[From Nathan]_

_Hola, long time no see. Do you want to meet up tonight? I have new condoms to try_

 

Kurt quickly shoved the phone aside and ran to the bathroom to empty his stomach. Once he made sure to clean up a bit he fell down on the floor, his head resting heavily against the cold porcelain. He was a whore. He had only read four messages and he had 30 others to go through. He couldn't do it. This was not what he was supposed to be. He was supposed to be happy with a boyfriend and a nice job. He was supposed to love and be loved, to go home every night to some nice text from his boyfriend or maybe fiancé, or better go home to the person he loved. Instead he spent his day and night working and fucking. This was not the life he had wanted for himself when he was nineteen, and now that he was 24, almost 25, even if he didn't have all his memory back he was sure as hell that it wasn't something he wanted as well.

Kurt felt cheap and dirty, even worse than after the first time he had his nightmare. Because those texts were the hard cold reality and there was no way he could hide himself behind some "it's just a post traumatic reaction". He was a mess, his life was a mess and above all that he was a whore that just gave himself to the first man he encountered in a club.

He made his way to his bed with difficulty and turned the light off, praying that sleep would come quickly.

* * *

 

Kurt was standing in the middle of his kitchen when some memories hit him again. He remembered trying to cook soufflé but failing miserably, making cookies with Rachel once, muffins and an elaborate meal. He remembered himself letting go of a plate to see it breaking on the floor and he remembered burning himself with a pan. The memories hit him forcefully.

"Blaine!" Kurt found himself shouting in his empty flat. His first reaction had been to call for the man that had lied to him. His mind and body's first reaction were to reach out for him to share the piece of information.

Kurt felt his chest constrict and he looked down at his hand. What was wrong with him? He couldn't want to talk to the man. He almost hated him for all he did. He shouldn't want to share this with him; he shouldn't want to talk to him. This was not supposed to be his first reaction or train of thought. He shouldn't think first thing: this is going to make Blaine laugh so much. Because that man had lied to him and played a wicked game. Kurt had thrown him out of his life and he didn't want to hear from him ever again. But then, it would take him a long time to get accustomed to the fact that he couldn't seek Blaine whenever something happened. He was supposed to be his own support system. He could enjoy some little pleasures like having a new memory by himself. He didn't need a man to share it with and he certainly didn't need Blaine fucking Anderson.

So Kurt just enjoyed his new wave of fresh memories, alone in his flat and decided that to celebrate this he was going to cook himself some amazing dinner. He didn't admit to himself that not being able to share the news with Blaine was bitter and he certainly didn't admit to himself that when he went to the grocery store he inadvertently bought food like two people were living in his flat. No, he just told himself that he had made some reserves so he wouldn't have to go back anytime soon.

* * *

 

_Kurt was being pinned on his bed by Blaine. He didn't know that being manhandled like that was such a turn on for him. Blaine had turned him so Kurt would be on his hands and knees. Blaine was kissing slowly down Kurt's spine, biting and licking every part of Kurt's back. Kurt's cock was hard and every bit or lick made him even harder. He couldn't wait for Blaine to touch him, to stroke him or to finger him. Kurt just wanted to be touched in one way or another._

" _Blaine," Kurt moaned loudly._

" _Tell me baby, what do you want?" Blaine pressed, making his hand go up and down on Kurt's thigh. Kurt just moaned louder, not able to say a word, his brain completely shut down by his lust._

" _Do you want to me lick you open, Kurt? Do you want my tongue inside you? Do you want to be fucked by my tongue and then my cock?"_

" _Oh god, yes! Please, Blaine, I need you." Blaine started to press his tongue at Kurt's entrance, teasing it and licking it. "Oh fuck, Blaine!"_

_Suddenly Kurt found himself being turned over, brown-hazel eyes being replace by green. Kurt's hand flew to the other man's hair. There were no soft curls or infuriating gel. Instead there was some strawberry blond hair. Kurt took one look at the man in front of him, it wasn't Blaine, he didn't know this man, he was sure that he'd never met him before._

" _So, tell me baby, do you want to be fucked by my tongue or my cock?" Kurt didn't move and only snapped out of his state when the man started to stroke his painfully hard cock._

" _Neither! Don't touch me!" Kurt yelled, disgusted that somebody he didn't know was touching him in such an intimate way. "Let go of me!"_

" _Oh but sweetcheeks, you've been begging for my cock all evening. I'm not going to let you out like that. Now be a good bitch."_

_The man was becoming forceful and Kurt, no matter how much he tried,couldn't do anything to get out of the man's grasp. The man, tired of seeing Kurt fight, slapped him hard in the face._

Kurt woke up, his body jerking awake. He was covered in sweat and tears. He threw his arms to the other side of the bed, reaching for Blaine, for the safety and for the love he knew, reaching for the strong arms he knew so well. But Kurt only found emptiness. No one was in his bed beside him; he had no one to keep him safe now, to love him. Everyone had lied to him, Blaine even more.

Kurt punched what had been Blaine pillow and grabbed it forcefully, shoving his head in it and crying all he could. He had hated his dreams, he felt used, dirty and so cheap. He didn't know this man but Kurt didn't need to think twice before knowing that he must have been someone he took home at some point. He didn't want to remember that. He didn't want to remember how he gave himself like he was nothing. He didn't want to remember what it was to be worshipped by Blaine either.

"I hate you, Blaine Anderson. I hate you so much." Kurt repeated over and over into the tear-soaked pillow.

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

Blaine wasn't doing any better. Days were bad and nights even worse. He blamed himself for everything and anything. The lie, the situation, the way he used to treat Kurt so poorly at the beginning that he'd hurt him, the way he treated him during the fight and hurt him then as well. He blamed himself for not being good enough, for not being able to fully help Kurt to heal and to inflict upon him even more damage than necessary. But on top of everything else Blaine blamed himself for losing Kurt and his love once again. He had had a second chance and messed it up so badly this time that he was sure that nothing would help him to get Kurt back.

Santana had decided that this time no one would let Blaine close up and that he would almost always have someone with him. But Nick had to work at the bar often and Santana had to do God only knows what. So Jeff was there for Blaine. The blond was very happy to be able to be there and support his friend in this. He had been so hurt to lose Blaine's friendship the first time that he was sold to the idea of helping the man no matter what. Luckily he was quite good at it and was able to handle hours of Blaine's self-degrading behavior.

"I just… I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm just… I just don't know what to do or where to go from now. I'm not even sure I could go anywhere."

"Ok Blaine, you have to stop doing that." Jeff started. He looked at the curly haired man, expecting at least to make eye contact. When nothing happened, Jeff forcibly turned Blaine around so they could face each other. He made Blaine look at him and continued.

"You have to stop doing this: the self-loathing and blaming and self-depreciation. This has to stop. When you got back with Kurt and during the whole time you two were together you changed so much, man. I remember when you first came to the bar; you were so shy and sorrowful. No one could come near you or talk to you because you felt so unworthy. But then Kurt happened, and he loved you and made you feel worth it and showed you all the good you had in you. Yes, the lie and all that crap kind of destroyed your relationship." Blaine and Jeff winced at the word, but the blond didn't let Blaine speak and proceed, "But man, you learned so much from your relationship with him about you and what you were capable of. Don't forget all of this. Keep it preciously and work with it. I mean, you became an awesome teacher, you have lots of ideas in you and you know you can do it. Don't close up once again. Kurt wouldn't like to see you like that even if he is so mad at you that he won't talk to you. Do it for yourself and if you can't, do it for Kurt, for me or for anyone that can motivate you. But mostly do it for you, dude. Feed yourself with all the love you received and gave during those months and keep on being a better man, a better version of yourself. If you do that, you'll conquer the world and all the men will want you!" Jeff finished excitedly, moving his hands and arms to give life to his speech. It was the first time he'd given a pep talk like that and hoped it would be enough to be help his friend.

"I don't know, Jeff. It's just… It feels like without him, nothing is simple or easy anymore. I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired of trying." Blaine admitted.

"Hey, what about you keep on trying even if it's hard, even if you feel like dying to show Kurt and everyone else what you are capable of? I'll be here for you, man. Nicky will be here for you and God protect all of us, Santana will be here for you. We'll try together. Alright?"

"Yeah." Blaine agreed shakily, on the verge of crying again.  
"Ok then, go shower and then we will go eat at the bar. I want to see my boyfriend and we both need to eat. We are grown men after all, we need food!"

* * *

 

It was one of those nights when Sebastian would just sit down and listen to Kurt. It had happened a lot during the last few days. The man needed to vent and to rant, he needed to get out of his system all the conflicted emotions he had between everything from when he lived with Blaine, the memories coming back little by little, and the lies. Kurt was completely lost, not knowing who to blame or how to deal with everything he knew. So Sebastian just let him rant until the man fell asleep from all the emotional exhaustion that was self-inflicted.

There was only one thing that was starting to piss Sebastian off, and that was the way Kurt talked about Blaine. The man would be so harsh about the teacher that even Sebastian found it too much.

"I just can't believe he would do something like that. How can you manipulate and lie to someone for months, for _months_! How can you pretend to love someone that way? He must be sick and twisted to act like that…"

"Kurt, just one second, shut the fuck up." Kurt did just that, waiting for Sebastian to do or say something. "Yeah that's much better, like that." Kurt glared at his friend and crossed his arms silently.

"Kurt you have to stop doing that. Yes, Blaine fucked it up, big time. He lied to you for months. Get the fuck over it. You are the man that forgave your high school tormentor, why can't you forgive the one that you love?"

"Oh, mentioning the man that shouldn't be named. You are really bringing David into this? Really? While we are talking about him, when were you supposed to call him back?" Kurt said cockily, happy to talk about something other than his inability to forgive.

"Shut up, Swiss cheese. We are not talking about my fear of commitment here, we are talking about you. Stop being a bitch about Anderson would you?"

"And shouldn't you be on my side?"

"Not when you're wrong. You've been meaner to him than to anyone else. So quit it. You are so self-centered that you can't even see what the man had done for you."

"Oh please! He didn't do much…"

"Okay, that's it. You pushed it too far this time Hummel. You can blame him; you can call him names, but don't deny or belittle what he's done for you." Sebastian said in a harsh tone, visibly angry at Kurt. "He turned his world upside down to take care of you. He was so fucking afraid of everything and anything the first time he came into your room. He had a freaking panic attack! But even if he was scared to his bones he sucked it up and he did something he wasn't comfortable with just for you. For weeks he didn't approach you because he was afraid or whatever. He didn't just directly jump your bones. He took care of you, he helped you with whatever was going on, he loved you and treated you the best he could. So stop fucking degrading him."

Kurt looked at his friend angrily. Sebastian must have been pointing out true facts but it didn't change anything for Kurt.

"He lied to me, Bas. I don't know about what and I don't know to what extent but he lied to me. How could he say he loves me when he doesn't know me, he was, at best, in love with a memory of me. I'm not the one I was six years ago…"

"Yeah and neither is he. Stop whining, it's fucking irritating. He lied to you because he and your father thought it was the best thing to do. But from what I saw the man loved you and you loved him. It was disgustingly sweet and caring. You two were glued together and so in synch that it seems that you've never been apart. It kills me to say that but you two are made to be together. Yeah, you have to forgive him and shit. But seriously, just look at me in the eyes and I dare you to tell me that you weren't happy with him during those past months." Sebastian looked at Kurt expectantly, but the man didn't say anything and looked down quickly.

He wasn't ready to admit it out loud or to anyone but himself, and even in the safety of his own mind it was difficult to admit it but it was true. He had been happy with Blaine. He had been happier than ever before if any of his new memories were any indication. Blaine had made him feel loved and cared for, safe and supported. He just didn't know how to forgive Blaine for breaking his heart. Because beyond the lie there was also the fear of Blaine not being in love with him, the person he was now and not just the person he had a memory of. And Kurt was still unsure of who he truly was so how could he show this side of himself to Blaine when he still has to figure it out?

So beyond the lie, there was fear and insecurity. Of not being the one Blaine remembered or wanted. And this thought alone was enough to make Kurt build walls and it was better for him to be angry at someone than to long for him. So he had opted for bitterness and anger.

Sebastian saw perfectly the conflicted emotions of Kurt and saw that the man was putting everything on Blaine for no reason and that he knew it.

"Kurt, look, I know it's tough for you but you can't stay mad like this, it's not healthy. I'm not saying you have to forgive him for everything if you're not there yet but at least acknowledge what he did for you." Sebastian tried, unsure of how his friend would understand his proposition.

"I… I know he did… things for me. I'm just not sure if it means the same now that I know the context of everything. It's just making me question everything, every little action, every little word. I'm over analyzing everything and it's maddening. I don't know what was truly him and what was part of the pretense. I want to believe so badly that everything he did was because he truly loved me but I know it wasn't, and just the thought of that… Bas, it's killing me."  
Silent tears started to roll down Kurt's cheeks. It was the first time that Sebastian had seen the man break down in front of him like that. He had been mad, furious, angry or over excited over the years. But never had Sebastian seen Kurt break down like that because of someone or something. He awkwardly hugged Kurt and tried to soothe the man.

"Hey, I know it's hard and you're completely lost here. But I think that there is one thing you need to know. Blaine loved you. Weeks ago or so, you two were cooking together and I was pretending to listen to you, I saw how he looked at you. You can't fake the love I saw in his eyes. Blaine loves you. You don't have to think about the lies as a mistake. He did this because he loved and loves you. He pretended and moved his world around just to ease your recovery. He stepped way out of his comfort zone and faced everything he feared just for you, okay? So don't think that Blaine didn't love you, because he did and it made me want to puke." Kurt chuckled lightly at this and hugged Sebastian back tightly.

They stayed like that for minutes, Kurt lost in thought and Sebastian just waiting for him to be ready to talk or to move on.

"He… If you think about it, Blaine remembered a lot of things about me, even after six years without seeing me." Kurt started, more to himself than to discuss with Sebastian." He remembered my love for cheesecake the first week, I never thought too much about either but he made me coffee… and it was perfect. And then there was the little … he talked to me through the writing process saying things about me that I didn't even know and he had a full portfolio of my papers." Kurt stopped, letting the information sink in for a minute. "Bas, he had a full portfolio of all the things I wrote for the magazine!"

"Yeah, yeah, great for him." The taller man said, unimpressed.

"No you don't get it. The magazine is big but not that big. You can't find the early articles I wrote online. You have to have bought the issue and collected my article to have them all. It means he collected them through the years." Kurt said, amazed by the gesture.

"Like I said, he is not a complete douchebag. Now that you had your big epiphany I'm gonna have to go. I have some naked men to satisfy." Sebastian stood up quickly and started to put his coat on.

"Thank you Bas. For putting up with me. I know I'm a mess right now so just… thank you okay?" Bas waved at Kurt like it was nothing. "And since we are talking about heartbreaking shit, as you would say," Kurt added cheekily before returning to his serious tone. "You should call Dave."

"Watch it, Hummel." Sebastian warned before stepping out of the place.

 

Kurt quickly cleaned his living room and went to bed, thinking again about all the little things that Blaine had done for him, or said to him. He remembered the scared look of the beginning and the loving one he got after a while, he remembered the light touches and the sex-driven ones. But he couldn't completely think about them without wondering what had been real, or if anything had been real at all.

* * *

 

"Alright ladies and gentlemen, my boy here needs to sing his heart out so shut the hell up. Anderson, come up on stage! Oh, and ladies, if you want a little one-on-one…"

"Thank you, Santana." Blaine cut the Latina off while grabbing the mic out of her hand. God knows what the girl was able to say to a crowd. He had gotten out of his place, just like Jeff had said, and they spent the remainder of the day eating and talking. It was good and Jeff kept the conversation on light topics, for which Blaine was grateful. At some point Nick's shift ended and the man joined his boyfriend and friend at the table. Much later the girl had entered the bar like she owned the place and decided that tonight they all had to sing something, which was the reason Blaine was standing in front of everyone waiting for his cue to start singing.

The broken clock is a comfort,  
it helps me sleep tonight  
Maybe it can stop tomorrow  
from stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting  
though I still have my doubts  
I am damaged at best,  
like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain there is healing  
In your name I find meaning

The broken locks were a warning  
you got inside my head  
I tried my best to be guarded,  
I'm an open book instead

And I still see your reflection  
inside of my eyes  
That are looking for a purpose,  
they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain is there healing  
In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on,  
I'm holdin' on,  
I'm holdin' on  
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day  
Just to see what you will throw my way  
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say  
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway  
left me here alone  
I may have lost my way now,  
haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain there is healing  
In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on,  
I'm holdin' on,  
I'm holdin' on  
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Blaine finished his song, not aware of his surroundings. This was him and his way to bare is soul and feeling. He poured every tear he'd cried, every sleepless night and hopeless moment into every word. He was on the verge of crying but went back quickly to his table, finding Santana's arms. She rocked him a bit and kissed him on the cheek before excusing herself to the lady's room. Once she made sure she was alone without any member of the little pack she opened her phone to send a text, attaching the video she'd just made of Blaine's performance.

 

_[From Santana]  
We need to have a little chat. Watch the video and join me at Dalton, the bar, tomorrow evening. And for fuck's sake, calm down the sexual tension._

 


	18. Chapter 18

Santana purposely arrived later than what was planned. She knew she needed to have at least that bit of power over the man she was meeting. When she arrived at Dalton, she said her hellos to Nick and Jeff and asked if someone was here for her. Both men showed her the table and the girl's heels clicked on the floor while marching to her date.

"Santana, you're late."

"Way to state the obvious, Sebastian." The girl sat and both of them watched each other intently.

"Why am I here, exactly?" The man asked, bored already.

"Did you watch the video?"

"No, it looked boring." Santana nodded and put her phone under Sebastian's nose, making him watch Blaine singing his heart out on stage. "Just like I was saying, it is boring. Are we here to discuss your videotaping skills? Because I have few tips for you, but for now let's just appreciate that for once it wasn't taped from under your boobs."

"Oh, clever, how long did you wait to actually make this one?" The Latina wondered. "Anyway I'm not here to bicker. Obviously Blaine is dying from heartbreak here and if I know my gays well, which I do, then Kurt is probably in the same wonderful state." Sebastian just looked at the girl, arms crossed on his chest. Santana rolled her eyes at his silence and continued. "They need each other like air, and we are going to make it happen." The man didn't say a thing but a curious look had appeared on his face.

"What's in it for me?"

"Absolutely nothing, besides doing the right thing."

"I'm out." Sebastian stood up and gathered his things, not even looking at Santana who was strangely calm.

"Sebastian, sit down and plan this with me." The girl said with a warning tone.

"Look, burrito girl. I don't care about playing matchmaker, especially if I can't bang someone in the process. This oh-so-clever game was something girls like you were playing in high school when they were bored and had already fucked the whole school. I have better things to do." With that Sebastian started to walk away before being stopped by Santana's voice.

"Like doing Dave, Sebastian?" The girl asked smugly, knowing she was playing dirty. At the name Sebastian turned around and walked back to Santana, a menacing look on his face.

"Don't you dare bring him into this." The man growled at the girl, looking directly into her eyes from above.

"I take this as you still care about him but won't do a thing about it." The girl said smirking, her attention back to her nails.

"Shut your fucking mouth, you have no idea what you are talking about."

"Then sit your sweet little ass on the chair and plot with me. If you do that I won't mention your boy toy again." Sebastian stepped closer to her, anger radiating from his body.

"I don't give a fuck if you're a woman or not, talk about him that way again and you'll need plastic surgery to reconstruct your face when I'll be done with you, are we clear?"

"Help me and I won't talk about him that way nor will I bring him into the conversation again." Sebastian eyed her for few more seconds before walking around the table and sitting on his previous chair. The girl nodded to herself and made a sign to Nick to bring them something strong. She needed it.

"Alright, so we need to make them talk to each other, at least."

"They don't need to talk; they need to fuck their brain out." Sebastian argued.

"Charming." Santana commented, with a hypocritical smile, she drank half her glass and looked back at the man. "They need to talk about the situation and about what happened this time and six years ago. Blaine had fucked up, and he's fucked up again, we all know that, but he needs a chance to say his piece and I'm sure that Kurt needs it as well."

"You seem to have this all figured it out. Why would you need me?"

"Because I have no idea how to make this happen or what kind of lame excuse I could have to call Kurt." The girl pulled a notebook and pen out of her bag, waiting for ideas.

"You want me to find a place where they could talk and bring Kurt there?" Sebastian repeated, still not knowing what he was really doing here.

"Exactly, now think. I know this must be hard for you."

"Kurt is a bitch but romantic dinners have always been a thing for him. We could set them up in a restaurant." The man offered.

"Yeah, so they can shout at each other in front of a crowd. Brilliant idea. Next." The girl snapped, writing the idea down before crossing it out.

"What about here? Don't the two clowns have an empty room here, somewhere?"

"They do, but we need somewhere private. This is going to be fucking difficult for both of them."

The two planned and plotted all evening, ideas becoming less and less coherent with the amount of alcohol they were drinking.

* * *

 

A week later Santana was standing in front of Blaine's building. She was wearing a whole black outfit with boots and leather jacket. She had her phone in hands and was waiting for the whole plan to start.

**[From Sebastian]**

**Everything is settled, just need gay n°1 to arrive.**

_[From Santana]_

_Tell me again why my gay couldn't be n°1 and how the fuck did we end up with those lame name codes?_

**[From Sebastian]**

**You lost the bet and we were drunk. Where's gay n°2**

_[From Santana]_

_Just stepped out of his building, let me send him a text._

_Ok, done._

**[From Sebastian]**

**Did you put condoms and lube in his bag?**

_[From Santana]_

_You said you were buying those!_

**[From Sebastian]**

**I never said such things! Where the fuck is your gay? We need him first!**

_[From Santana]_

_I sent him a text saying that I had to cancel tonight. Did you send him a text from Kurt's phone?_

**[From Sebastian]**

**Fuck!**

_[From Santana]_

_Are you shitting me? How the fuck is he supposed to get there if you don't send the damn message? You are fucking useless!_

**[From Sebastian]**

**Calm down Pepito, I just sent it.**

_[From Santana]_

_I'm following him, we are ten minutes away from you._

**[From Sebastian]**

**Waiting for him. If Kurt comes in shoot me a text.**

_[From Santana]_

_I know the plan, I was the one imagining it. You are the one that can't follow simple orders Pea-Brain_

* * *

 

Blaine had no idea why Kurt had contacted him that night and no idea why he so suddenly wanted to see him. Blaine was nervous by the sudden change of plan for his evening and by the fact that he was meeting Kurt. He had had no time to change, or check his hair, he knew he looked like a mess and that was stressing him even more.

The whole walk to Kurt's he had the weird impression of being followed but shrugged it off. This just wasn't his evening, Santana had stood him up, he was going to meet the man he had lied to, he was just over stressed.

When he arrived in front of Kurt's building he almost ran into Sebastian.

"Hey, look where you're going! Oh, hi Blaine!" The taller said with a wide grin of his face. "What are you doing here?"

"Kurt asked me to come to meet with him. Are you here to see him too?" Blaine asked with an edge in his voice.

"I'm just here to give him something back. Let's go upstairs together." Sebastian held the door open for Blaine and they both took the elevator, not saying a word. Sebastian was glued to his phone and only looked up when they arrived in front of Kurt's door.

"It's open, just go in." Sebastian said without moving. Blaine carefully opened the door and stepped in. The room was illuminated with dozens and dozens of candles, the air smelled like cinnamon and vanilla and from where he was Blaine could see that the table of the living room was full of foods and soft candles.

"I hope you enjoy your evening!" Sebastian shouted from behind the door and Blaine heard the door being locked. He tried to open it, turning the doorknob in every way possible, shaking the door. But nothing worked. He turned to the place, feeling trapped.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked to an empty place. He looked around for few minutes before finally understanding that he was alone, in Kurt's apartment.

Meanwhile Santana was waiting in front of Kurt's building passing impatiently. She spotted Kurt and happily waved at him.

"Hi Santana, what are you doing here?" Kurt hugged the girl and stepped back.

"Oh, I was just on my way to a club. How are you Kurt?" The girl asked, genuinely concern.

"I'm fine. Busy but fine." She could see that it was a lie but now was not the time to have meaningful conversation. "You look… great tonight by the way." Santana looked down at her outfit. She could pass either for a biker or a girl into bondage.

"Yeah I'm going to this D/s club tonight, have some fun." Kurt eyes grew wide and a deep blush appeared on his cheeks.

"Right, hum, well I hope you find what you're looking for then. I'll just… hum… Good night Santana." The man said with a wave before going into the building. When Kurt reached his floor he saw Sebastian waiting for him in front of his door.

"Bas? Why didn't let yourself in since you have my keys?" Kurt wondered. The taller man just shrugged and opened the door for Kurt, letting him step in first.

"Oh Kurt?" Bas shouted. Kurt turned around to see that his friend was still standing in the hallway, not even in his apartment. Quickly Sebastian closed the door and yelled again. "Have a good evening! Call me or Santana when you need to get out!"

Kurt heard the door lock and, just like Blaine did minutes ago, Kurt shook the door, hoping for it to fall open but nothing happened. Kurt walked into his apartment with a frown on his face, not understanding why his friend would feel the need to lock him into his place.

Understanding dawned on him when he stepped into his living room.

"What are you doing here?" Kurt snapped angrily at Blaine. He took a few seconds to look at the room. There were candles everywhere, food and Blaine, standing in the middle of his living room. "Did you plan all of this?"

"Kurt, you asked me to come here." Blaine answered quietly.

"I most certainly did not." Kurt argued, arms crossed over his chest, a furious look on his face.

"But I just received a text from you telling me to come here because you wanted to talk to me." Blaine explained calmly, confused.

"Bas was the one with my phone today because I forgot it yesterday at his place so if you received a text, it's not from me." Kurt went back to the front door and violently shook it, hoping it would do something. Unfortunately for him, nothing happened and he had no other choice than to go back to the living room where Blaine was standing awkwardly.

"Do you want to call him to know what this is all about? He is the one that locked you in too, right?" Blaine asked Kurt tentatively. Kurt took the handed phone and called his friend.

"Yeah, he locked me in there before wishing me a good evening." Kurt muttered before hearing a happy 'hello' from Sebastian. "What the hell, Bas? Why I am locked into my own place and what is Blaine doing here?"

"Put me on speaker, you giant moron. Kurt?" Confused, Kurt looked at the phone and answered.

"Yeah? Santana?"

"Of course it's me. Your friend here is as talented at plotting as Finn is at dancing. Put me on speaker, Hummel." Kurt did as told, still utterly confused about the ins and outs of all of this. "Okay, so, Gays, listen to me. You're locked in and you're going to use this fabulous opportunity to talk to each other, yell at each other, make beautiful gay babies. I don't care. Sort things out! Don't you dare call me before you're done or one of you is dying or you're out of lube!" And with that Santana hung up, leaving a furious Kurt and a dumbstruck Blaine stuck together in the apartment.

"Your friend is a pain in the ass." Kurt stated, going to the kitchen and coming back with a can of coke.

"From what I gather your friend is as involved in this as mine."

Kurt sat down and tried to turn on the TV but nothing happened. The man stood up and looked directly under the TV to check the cables.

"You've got to be kidding me! They removed all the cables! I can't even watch TV, and they took my computer too! It was here this morning. I'm going to kill them. I'm going to kill them, bring them back to life and kill them again." Kurt muttered, plopping down on his couch.

Blaine was still awkwardly standing in the living room, not knowing what to do with himself.

"You can sit, Blaine." Kurt spat. "We're going to be locked in here for quite some time."

"So they send me that text and then proceed to made sure that we couldn't use any electronic items and locked us in. I guess they really want us to…"

"Just don't." Kurt warned, cutting Blaine off mid-sentence.

Blaine sat down on one of the chairs, facing Kurt who was sitting on the couch. Neither Kurt nor Blaine said a thing, Blaine because he was too worried about saying something wrong and Kurt because he was planning two murders.

They stayed silent for half an hour, not looking at each other, not making any sound. Kurt was sipping his coke and Blaine nervously played with his cardigan. They didn't acknowledge the beautiful table and after a while Kurt stood up and blew every single candle out in the room.

Blaine had no idea what to do or even if he should do something. They were locked together, now was really the time to talk to each other, to sort things out in one way or another. He just needed to know what he wanted to say and how he should say it.

Kurt didn't know what to do with himself. As much as he wanted to just go to bed he couldn't bring himself to. Blaine was there, in his flat. The man he had longed for and craved for even if he shouldn't have was right here and still he couldn't bring himself to talk to him, still blinded by what had happened. He made two sandwiches and handed one to Blaine, still not saying a word and acting as coldly as he could. He found a Sudoku that he hadn't done in a newspaper and started to work on it.

* * *

 

After two hours of not talking and ignoring each other both could feel the tension that had grown significantly. They both knew they couldn't postpone the moment forever; they would have to acknowledge each other and knowing this, combined with all their resentment, made the air around them thick.

"I'm sor…"

"How could you do that?" Both started at the same time. Kurt locked eyes with Blaine and the two didn't say a word for a few more seconds before Kurt started to shout again.

"How could you do that Blaine? Seriously, how could you lie to me that way?"

"It wasn't easy." Blaine tried to explain but Kurt didn't let him finish.

"Like hell it was! You said you loved me, but people don't treat the person they love the way you did with me! You didn't love me, Blaine. You loved the idea of me, the idea of having me. But never did you love me!" Kurt saw something change in Blaine's eyes at his words and with every new one, the anger, possibly, grew bigger and bigger. Kurt had never seen Blaine looking like that, and he was almost scared.

"Would you just shut up, Kurt!" Blaine burst. "Fuck! How dare you saying that to me! How dare you give me lessons about how to properly treat the person you love?" Blaine came closer and closer to Kurt with every question, anger burning in his eyes. Kurt looked at Blaine, froze in place. Never had he seen Blaine that furious in his life.

"How dare I? Well, easily since I never lied to you and never used you to bring back some fantasy!"

"Yes Kurt, I lied to you, people lie every day, get over it!" Blaine shouted, pushing Kurt hard. Both were screaming at each other, anger and rage radiating from their body. Weeks of stress, lies and new memories coming crashing down and all of their mixed feelings making them even more furious.

"Get over it? Well fuck you, Blaine! Have you any idea how hard that is?"

"I don't! Of course I don't, but did you ever let me explain myself? No you didn't, you just took it all out on me like you're perfect. Guess what, Kurt? You are far from perfect, you're self-centered, you never listen and for god's sake stop acting like we all owe you something!" Blaine fumed, stepping forward and pushing Kurt to accentuate his words.

Kurt should've been scared, Blaine's pupils were fully dilated and completely dark, rage was pumping threw his veins as strong as his lust, his body shaking with need.

"And what would listening to you have brought me? More lies? Because that's all you can do Blaine, lying to me! Don't you think that not knowing who you are is hard enough to add people close to you lying to your face every day? So maybe I'm self-centered and maybe I don't listen but look at what happened when I listened to the crap that people tell me and when I let everyone but me take care of me! I'm a fucking mess, Blaine!" Kurt barked.

The rage, the anger, the adrenaline, all of those were making Blaine say things he wouldn't have in a normal state. And every time Kurt was talking back, was fighting back, Blaine wanted nothing more than to take him, right there on the floor. Kurt's anger and frustration at him was making Blaine's hard.

"And you think I'm living on cloud nine, Kurt?"

"I'm sorry but right now I don't really give a flying fuck about you!"

They both stood in front of each other, breathing heavily and looking furiously into the other's eyes. Loathing dripped from every pore of their bodies. The silence surrounded them, heavy and full of lust and rage. They both launched themselves at the other, mouths coming crashing down together. They kissed hungrily, claiming each other for minutes, before Blaine forcibly pushed Kurt onto the floor, straddled him and restrained his hands above his head.

"And now what, Blaine? Are you going to make me listen all your pathetic excuses for what you did?" Kurt challenged, hate crawling under his skin.

Blaine started to thrust his groin into Kurt's, kissing the man to make him shut up. He bit Kurt's bottom lip, sucked hard on it, leaving Kurt's lips bruised by the kiss. Blaine ripped Kurt's shirt off his body and yanked his pants down, leaving him in nothing but his boxer brief. Blaine slammed Kurt back into the floor, kissing and biting harshly into Kurt's collarbone and shoulder.

"It wouldn't matter, you never listen to me Kurt!" Blaine said, accentuating his words with hard bites into Kurt's skin. Kurt roughly pulled Blaine's hair and tried to contain every noise of pleasure but only managed to moan loudly at every bite. The shorter man quickly got his clothes off and attacked Kurt's lips, his tongue battling Kurt's for dominance.

"All I ever did was make sure you were happy! I was scared shitless and in casts and yet all I could do was make sure you were fine! It doesn't scream self-centered to me, Blaine!"

Kurt scratched Blaine's back with his fingernails and fought against Blaine's control.

"Stop it Kurt! I'm going to fuck you and I want your body to remember this every time you walk!" Blaine sneered, anger boiling under his skin. Blaine slammed his erection hard against Kurt's, claiming him.

"So you're going to use me again! Didn't see that one coming…Oh fuck! Blaine!" Heat rolled out of Kurt's body. "You lied to…me, used me! Made me feel cheap!" Kurt argued, voice breaking a little at Blaine's thrusts, their cocks only separated by a thin layer of clothes, their hips rocking and undulating rapidly against each other.

"You broke my heart… twi-ice, Kurt!" They were both panting, grasping for air. Blaine removed both of their boxers and wrapped his hand around Kurt's cock, pumping furiously. Kurt gasped and moaned, not able to say anything. Suddenly Blaine removed his hand and brought two fingers to Kurt's mouth. "Lick." Blaine ordered and Kurt avidly took the two fingers in his mouth, sucking at them and rolling his tongue around them, locking eyes with Blaine and moaning around the digits. When they were dripping with saliva, Blaine removed them from Kurt's mouth and quickly pushed them into Kurt's puckered hole, thrusting into him hard, not giving him time to adjust.

"You … broke my trust!" Kurt barely managed to say as Blaine's fingers found his prostate. Kurt couldn't help but want more and found it sickeningly good. The man scissored his fingers into Kurt and removed them before placing himself at Kurt's entrance.

"Did you fuck someone else during those weeks?" Blaine asked,

"Dozens, I fucked dozens of blond, tall, hot guys!" Kurt gripped Blaine's shoulder when the man pushed into him, yanking him closer and forcing Blaine to penetrate him fully.

"You made me feel like the worst piece of shit!" Blaine accused, thrusting harder and harder at every word. Kurt was falling apart under the unforgiving pace that Blaine had set.

"This was never about… you! God, Blaine! I was the one without his…his fucking memory, I didn't decide shit, you chose… to jump into this… and to lie about every…everything! Oh fuck! Just fuck me harder!" Kurt growled into Blaine's ear, before biting his earlobe. To match Blaine's aggressiveness, Kurt dug his nails against Blaine's back, leaving bold red marks.

"So fucking tight, Kurt. Fuck!" Blaine met Kurt's prostate with every thrust, never slowing down and furiously pounding into the other man's hole. "Look at me Kurt! Look at me and tell me that I lied about everything, even my feelings for you! I …dare you to say that I don't love you!" Blaine ordered, knowing that Kurt wouldn't be able to say anything in his state. Kurt was falling apart under Blaine and the shorter man knew his lover was close to coming.

"Say it, Kurt!"

"You… don't, don't love…!" Kurt couldn't finish it as Blaine pushed roughly into him, stroking his throbbing cock at the same time. With all the stimulation and the never-ending forceful thrusts against his prostate, Kurt came between their bodies. Blaine continued to slam into Kurt, thrusting against Kurt's prostate and fucking him through his orgasm, fucking Kurt's mouth with his tongue. Kurt's hole clenched erratically around Blaine, making Blaine thrust his hips harder into Kurt, sinking his teeth into the man's shoulder as he came.

Blaine collapsed on top of Kurt, both of them breathing heavily, blissed by the mind-blowing orgasm they just had.

 

They took a few minutes to catch their breath and calm their hearts. Blaine used his forearms to push himself off Kurt, looking into the man's eyes.

 

Gone was the anger, the aggressiveness, the hatred and fury, gone were the insults behind which they could hide each other. They stripped bare their soul, leaving them raw and tired of fighting against each other and against themselves.

 

Blaine could see the fear in Kurt's eyes as the man gently cupped his cheek and stroked his cheekbone with his thumb. Blaine sat on Kurt's thighs, helping the man to sit down.

Kurt's arms embraced Blaine shyly and put his head against the teacher's shoulder. No one said a word. Blaine gave Kurt a few seconds to compose himself and sort his thoughts, caressing lightly down his back.

After a minute Blaine gently pushed Kurt's head away from his shoulder and took his chin in his hand, searching approval in Kurt's eyes. Blaine leant in slowly and put his lips softly against Kurt's, brushing against them and lovingly kissing him.

 

Blaine stood up, smiling at Kurt as he disappeared into Kurt's room, coming back with pillows, blankets and washcloths. He cleaned Kurt and threw the cloth away before arranging a bed for the two of them on the floor. He turned off all the lights and delicately took Kurt into his arms to put him into the bed made of blankets and pillows. Blaine grabbed another blanket to put it on top of them and brought Kurt closer. They intertwined their bodies, snuggled and breathed each other.

 

"I want to talk about this, but tomorrow, okay? We'll talk tomorrow." Kurt asked shyly, afraid that Blaine would deny him that.

"Of course. Tomorrow." Blaine answered, tightening his embrace around Kurt. "Kurt?"

"Yes?"

"I know we have a lot to discuss and to figure out," Blaine started. Kurt looked into Blaine's eyes, smiling gently at him to help him go through with what he had to say.

"But please Kurt, please. Say you're mine."

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

Kurt looked into Blaine's pleading eyes. He wanted nothing more than to answer him, to give him what he wanted. But things were too confused at the moment and he knew it. They just had sex right in the middle of an argument. He wanted to do this, but he wanted to do it right. So against his instinct that was screaming at him to kiss Blaine and answer his question, Kurt simply put a light kiss on the man's nose.

"Tomorrow, Blaine. We'll talk about all this tomorrow. I want to answer your question but I know that once we're gonna start talking we aren't going to stop and we both need to sleep on what happened."

"Ok…alright. Can we at least, hum, cuddle?" Blaine asked timidly.

"Of course" Kurt moved a little closer into Blaine's embrace and they both fell asleep, lulled by the other's regular and calming breaths.

* * *

 

In the morning, Blaine woke up to a light touch on his nose. He opened his eyes slowly to meet blue orbs. Kurt was watching him silently and tracing the lines of his face with one of his finger. Blaine smiled sleepily at the other man and let himself be woken up by the gentle touch.

Kurt started at Blaine's nose, following with his triangular shaped eyebrows, he slowly made his way to the side of his right eye where crinkles were forming and took a few seconds to look at Blaine's eyes. He got lost in them for a few seconds before tracing the man's cheekbone with his finger and moving to his jaw. He then followed the chin and moved up to the other cheekbone, the eyebrows, and came back to Blaine's nose. The touch was light and timid, but tender and calm. This touch carried so much emotion that Blaine couldn't help but be overwhelmed by this simple touch. He never stopped looking at Kurt while the man was tracing his face. He loved how Kurt looked at him while he was learning the little flaws of his face all over again. Kurt moved gently to his nose and didn't stop, shyly brushing his fingertip against Blaine's lip. His finger stayed there for a few minutes, tracing the bottom lip and caressing the top one, it was obvious that Kurt was lost in the man's lips and to bring him back to the world Blaine simply kissed Kurt's finger.

They locked eyes, smiling at each other and now both fully awake. With a sigh Kurt stood up and put his underwear back on along with his shirt before turning to Blaine. He helped him back up with a fond smile.

"How about we make breakfast and we talk while eating it?"

"Can we eat it in the blanket fort?" Blaine wondered expectantly. Kurt chuckled lightly and shook his head.

"I hardly think we can call it a fort but yes, we can eat breakfast in the blanket fort."

Kurt started to prepare the batter for pancakes while Blaine put some clothes on and came to the kitchen to help him. They worked together like they had done it numerous times before, without a bump and completely in synch, finding every little occasion to touch whether they did it consciously or not.

When all their food was put on the tray they went back to the bed made of pillows and blankets in the living room and sat comfortably.

"So, hum… What do you remember? Anything new?" Kurt sipped his coffee and answered.

"I remember everything now. Well, there are still bits here and there that I don't remember but just like everybody else I can't remember everything. I remember college and my classes; I remember how I met Sebastian and when I started my job, everything that I wrote, my friends. So yeah…" Kurt finished lamely. "I remember my life, I remember lots of stuff."

Blaine noticed that Kurt didn't really give him any details about the past years and if his behavior was any indication he didn't really want to.

"Can I… Would it be okay if I speak first?" Kurt nodded, motioning for him to go ahead. Blaine took a deep breath and tried to sort out all his thoughts to know where he wanted to start.

"I need you to understand everything from my point of view so you'll know I didn't want to trick you. So I'm going to tell you how I spent the past years first. Alright?" Once again Kurt just nodded and Blaine continued.

"After you broke up with me, I moved to New York with Coop. But I rapidly cut everyone out. For years I barely talked to anyone. I shut myself down, I was recluse and afraid of everything. I felt like I wasn't good enough, that nothing I could do or say would be good enough and it was easier to just shut everyone out so I wouldn't be a disappointment to them, I would just be disappointing myself. I felt so unworthy and useless that I couldn't bear to bother people with my pathetic self. Mostly because year after year I ached and waited for you to come back but at the same time I just hoped and wished you wouldn't because who would want someone like me? Someone who just can't get anything right in his life? So I just hid, from my friends, from the world and at some point from myself."

Tears were rolling down Kurt's cheeks. He didn't understand how this man could think so little of himself, but he knew better than to interrupt him, Blaine needed to say his piece not only for Kurt but for himself too.

"So that night when I got a phone call from your dad, I had no idea what to do but I just knew I couldn't stay away from you and you needed me. You needed me so, of course I was going to come and help as much as I could. But the moment I stepped in I knew I wouldn't be able to face you and then I had a panic attack and… I was afraid of you, of what you would think about me and I couldn't bear to see hate or disappointment in your eyes. But then your father asked me if I could help him with the lie. It wasn't supposed to become that big! It was just supposed to be convenient until you were settled into your place and feeling better. But you being…well, you. You took matters into your own hands and without even knowing it I was moving in with you. With the person I loved and feared the most. I was so scared of you Kurt and scared of what would happen. I couldn't let myself believe in the situation because I knew the minute you'd remember or see what a failure I was it would be over, once again. And I kept telling that to myself. That's why I kept you at arm's length at the beginning. I just tried to protect myself and tried to earn some time before you saw how much you didn't want to be with me."

Blaine wasn't looking at Kurt. He couldn't while telling him all of that. It was hard enough to have to explain everything, he didn't have the strength to do it while looking at Kurt, instead he kept his focus on his hands. Kurt slowly reached out to Blaine, knowing that the man would need support to go through everything once again. He took Blaine's hand in his and squeezed it. Blaine took the hand and brought it to his forehead, he closed his eyes and took all the strength he could from the simple contact to continue.

"But you have no idea how hard it is not to fall for you, Kurt. I tried, I really tried not to. But I just couldn't because you are you and nothing can keep me from falling for you every time I see you. So I fell in love with you, all over again and at some point I just couldn't tell what was part of the lie and what wasn't. I'm sorry I lied to you, I'm sorry lots of people lied to you. I don't know if it was the right thing to do and I will never know. I just wanted to help you get better, I wanted to do what little I could to just help you. I never wanted to take advantage of the situation, I never wanted to live a fantasy. I wouldn't have been able anyway; I was too scared for that. But I wanted to help you even if it was bound to hurt me, because I knew it would and it did. I just didn't think I'd hurt you too in the process. So I'm sorry, Kurt. I'm sorry I lied to you, I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier and you had to discover it that way. But to be perfectly honest I would do it all over again if I had to. Because no matter how hurt and scared I was and you were, no matter how badly I handled things, this situation, all of it… It helped us becoming us again. And I couldn't be more grateful for that. It brought us together. So I'm sorry, so sorry for how hurt you were but in a way I'm grateful. And this time I won't let you slip away from me. What we had during these weeks, what I want to believe we still have, I want to fight for it. I want to fight for you and I won't lose you, Kurt. Not again, not this time. Now that I found you again I'm not letting you go. Never again. I promise."

And Blaine looked so sure of his statement. So sure that he wouldn't let Kurt slip away from him this time. Kurt couldn't help but smile at the man's determination. He was so happy to see a positive and strong emotion on the other man's face. Kurt squeezed Blaine's hand again, blushing a little at the end of Blaine's explanation but he stayed silent, not wanting to interrupt in case Blaine wasn't finished. They stayed silent for seconds before Blaine spoke up.

"Tell me about you, Kurt. Tell me what happened to you during these past six years." A frown appeared on Kurt's face and the man looked insecure for a moment before composing himself.

"I, hum. I'm not sure this is a good idea. "

"Why not? We need to talk to each other, to sort things out."

"I'm not sure you're going to like the person I was the past years." Kurt admitted as silently as he could.

"I… Kurt." Blaine, frustrated, scratched his face and let out a sigh. "We are not going to solve everything today, or in the next week or month. I made mistakes, you made mistakes too, we lost each other in the process but we need to talk to each other to understand why we even got here in the first place."

"Okay, okay." So Kurt explained. He told Blaine about all the hook-ups and one night stands he had. He told him how he felt so lonely and lost that it was the only thing he could do to forget a little, that and drowning himself in work. He'd had nothing but his work or his studies for the past years and it had made him feel like an empty body. The hook-ups left him feeling dirty and so used, his job giving him the feeling to fill his life when it was so empty. But in the end he couldn't fool himself and was left there thinking that he would never again find happiness or love. He explained to Blaine how hurt and lost he had been at first when the man didn't even come near him and how lost he had been about the whole situation. He told him how happy he had been when Blaine had finally started to warm up to him and come closer, let himself be more open around Kurt.

"I don't think I had been that happy in my life to be honest. I felt loved and cared for, I felt important and cherished. You made me feel like that Blaine. But then the memories started to come back and everything went downhill. It was like I was living in two different worlds and they just collided together so hard that everything crashed down. It was so confusing and I didn't understand most of it. I suddenly felt lonely and alone, empty and dirty and in the meantime you were here smiling at me and making me feel safe and beautiful. It was overwhelming and confusing. After I remembered the break up, that I made you leave, you have no idea how many nights I reached out for you because of my nightmares or how many times I called your name only to be greeted by a cold silence. I bought food for two people too many times to count or I started to talk to you only to remember that you weren't there."

Kurt stopped here for a few seconds, pondering his next words.

"You've never be anything but yourself with me and I fell for you all over again. Granted at first it was my body's memory but the more time I spent with you the more I fell for you, the new and the old you. I fell for your flaws, I fell for the recluse and insecure you. Because of how cared for and loved you made me feel. I know I didn't fall for a memory because the Blaine I thought I had in front of me in my hospital bed isn't the Blaine I'm facing now. You're still you but you changed, evolved and matured. You're different and I know I fell for the new you, not a memory. "

They were still holding hands, looking into each other's eyes sometimes, when Kurt needed Blaine to really understand something.

"But Blaine, you didn't fall for me. I wasn't really me during those months. I was … I don't even know who I was, I don't even think I know who I am right now. But the problem here is that even if we loved each other, and you loved me, you didn't really love me for myself. I wasn't myself and I don't know who you fell for. I'm not completely that person but I'm not the complete opposite. I broke your heart, twice. I did horrible things to you that need to be forgiven. You broke my trust and lied to me for so long. I need to relearn who I am and we are both so broken that I have no idea where to go from here. We've been so many different forms of "us", I'm shattered into bits and pieces of two different versions of myself and we've been through so many conflicted situations. I just don't know where it leaves us. Or if there is even a possibility of us."

"I won't lose you, Kurt. I will not let you slip away from me, not this time. I want to get to know you, all the bits and pieces that made you. I want to know who you are and were."

Just like the night before Blaine crawled into Kurt's lap and hugged him tightly, placing his arms around the other man's shoulder. Kurt brought Blaine closer and put his arms around the man's waist while he rested his head against Blaine's collarbone. It felt like this was the last time he would do this, it felt like a goodbye. It was bittersweet, the feeling of knowing something had to end but was wrapped up in a hug that could give you so much strength and came from a man that could make you feel more alive than anybody else.

Everything was just too complicated and difficult and at the same time Kurt was tired of fighting against himself and against the world. Why couldn't he simply have what he wanted?

Blaine shifted a little and looked into Kurt's eyes, not removing his arms from the man's shoulders. He sat on Kurt's lap, looking into Kurt's eyes and saw all the conflicts and the turmoil that were going through the man's mind. Blaine knew he wanted to fight for what they had left. No matter in what shape or form, he needed Kurt in his life. But Kurt had been right about something: he didn't really know a lot about him anymore, nor did Kurt know about him. They had lived together for months and learned all over again their little fads and routines but they had stepped into something that was them but not completely.

So Blaine, despite his fears and self-loathing, despite feeling not worth someone like Kurt, did the only thing that could help them get to know each other all over again.

"Kurt, would you go out on a date with me? Please."

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

"Can you help me fix up my suit? It's just not fitting right! Urgh, I just can't believe it!"

"Stop moving, let me just get that button here. Alright, you're all good."

"Do you have the rings near you?"

"Yes, they're here. Stop stressing, you're making me nervous. "

Blaine and Jeff were putting the last touches to their suits together in the room, waiting for the ceremony to start. The wedding had taken a long time to plan and Kurt had made sure that everything was just perfect. He had planned the whole reception and as usual everything was matching and fit amazingly together.

Jeff and Blaine looked at each other, smiling nervously before bursting out in laughter because of the nervousness. They laughed for a good five minutes when Sebastian violently opened the door.

"Alright little ponies, let's make this quick and as painless as possible. Please? Because I'm not sure I can handle more of all things groom-related much longer!" Sebastian caught the nervous atmosphere and added; "Don't tell me he is freaking out?"

"He didn't say it in such terms but I'm pretty sure he is freaking out."

"Do you guys remember that I'm still in the room?" Blaine and Jeff quickly put themselves together and walked out of the room to the reception where the wedding would be celebrated.

Blaine quickly made his way to Kurt and sat next to him.

"It's beautiful, all you did and planned for this wedding is amazing." Blaine kissed Kurt lightly on the cheek and smiled at him.

"How is Jeff holding it?"

"He is going to be fine, he asked me to rap his vows just to make sure they made sense no matter how he was saying them." Kurt raised his eyebrows questioningly and chuckled as the image of Blaine rapping vows popped into his head.

"Nick was really nervous when I last checked on him. I think he was on the verge of passing out." Suddenly every conversation quietened down and people turned around to see a very happy Nick walking down the aisle in a very fitting cream suit, a broad smile on his face. When he reached his position he turned around and waited for his fiancé to come and join him. Jeff almost ran down the aisle, wearing a grey suit with a tie matching Nick's suit. He took Nick's hand in his and pecked him on the mouth.

"Young man I think it's a bit too early in the ceremony for that."

"Yeah, well I couldn't really resist, just look at him!" Jeff exclaimed making the whole assembly laugh.

The ceremony passed without any incident, Jeff didn't rap his vows but made sure to insert one or two private jokes and Nick blushed furiously at his almost-husband's words. Jeff didn't wait until the end of the question to say "I do" and answered the same question for Nick "Of course he does too, jump to the interesting part!" and surprisingly enough Jeff waited until the vicar said he could kiss his husband to kiss Nick.

After a long afternoon of drinking and relaxing, everyone gathered into the dining room of the hotel that had been decorated by Kurt specifically for the event. Unfortunately he didn't have any say about who would share his table and of course he was put with Blaine, Sebastian and Dave, Santana and her girlfriend Melissa. When Kurt knew he would be with both Sebastian and Santana at the same table he had reached out to find Blaine's hand. They had both looked at each other and Blaine had laughed at the look on Kurt's face.

They were half way through the reception and Santana and Sebastian had been bickering since the beginning.

"Are you seriously that stupid to think that you are a better singer than me?"

"Well last time I checked I was better than you and you know I'm like old wine." Sebastian answered with a smirk.

"You taste like vinegar? I'm sorry for Dave then, blowjobs should not be fun to give." Santana turned to her girlfriend to see if everything was alright with her, but she was in a deep conversation about books with Blaine. So she turned to Sebastian again. "Last time you cheated because you were too afraid of me kicking your ass. No, scratch that. Last time you threw a slushie at me because you were too afraid of your attraction to me."

That seemed to get Melissa's attention and the woman turned to her girlfriend.

"San? Stop fighting, please." The woman put her hand on the Latina's knee and smiled at her warmly. When Santana felt the light squeeze on her knees she pecked her girlfriend on the cheek and smiled back, visibly relaxing.

"I can see that you're not the one wearing the pants. Interesting. Are you that easy to tame?" Sebastian continued, not quite over the little banter.

"Bas…" Dave's warning tone caught the man and he turned to face his boyfriend. "Could you please just not get on her nerves tonight?" Dave asked gently, "If you do that, I'll let you do whatever you want with me." Dave finished in a whisper. Sebastian looked at his boyfriend with a questioning look on his face before smirking and attacking his boyfriend's lips with his.

"Deal!" Sebastian accepted and turned to Santana who was looking at him with a crooked eyebrow.

"Yeah, and I'm the one easily tamed. Look Horse Face, I know how to settle this."

Kurt eyed the two moving from the table to the end of the stage where the band was playing. He rolled his eyes at the two of them and went back to his discussion with Dave.

* * *

 

For the rest of the reception they all chatted and laughed together, only to be interrupted at some point by Sebastian and Santana singing a rather sexual song and making the sexual tension rise in the room. When they came back to their seat everyone was asked who sang better. Unfortunately they had to call it even and they both pouted for the rest of the evening.

When most of the people had left the reception the band had been asked to play a ballad so the remaining couples could dance. Sebastian and Dave, Santana and Melissa had disappeared at some point and Kurt was watching some couple slowly dancing together.

"May I have this dance?" The coiffed man turned around to see Blaine asking him to dance. Kurt took his hand and they both moved to the middle of the floor.

"Hi," Blaine said quietly to Kurt, "I didn't see a lot of you tonight."

"I had a great time catching up with Dave and you seemed really passionate about your discussion with Melissa, I didn't want to intrude." Kurt shrugged before lightly kissing Blaine.

Blaine stepped closer to Kurt and embraced him completely. He placed his head in the crook of Kurt's neck and stayed there while dancing. They moved slowly, following the instruments and the ballad, breathing each other in and relishing how amazing the evening had been.

Blaine looked to his right to catch a glimpse of Nick and Jeff, sitting together. Nick had his back against Jeff's chest and they were both admiring their rings, smiling unconsciously. They looked incredibly happy. Blaine was glad for his friends and had wished for a long time that they would marry each other. Blaine had always looked up to the couple when it came to love. He didn't know another couple that loved and cared for each other as much as Nick and Jeff did. He suddenly felt a pang of jealousy. He was glad for his friends but he wanted this, he wanted the happily ever after, the whole reception and papers to show to the world his love for his husband.

Kurt saw the emotions on his boyfriend's face and followed his gaze to see what was causing it. Kurt saw the couple, happily savoring their moment and he looked back at the hazel-eyed man he had in his arms, studying his face and all the feelings he could catch while Blaine was looking at his friends.

After the song they said their goodbyes and went back to their place. When they reached their room they quickly got off their clothes and found their way to bed. Kurt's head was resting against Blaine's chest, and he was caught in the man's arms. Blaine was silently stroking his ring finger, looking at Kurt with a loving smile.

"How is school doing?" Kurt wondered. It was the end of September and Blaine always had hard time with the beginning of a new school year and new students.

"I'm scared, like always. But I have my old students with me and I know how to work with them, I just hope I'll be able to handle the rest of the new students."

"You did it perfectly last year, I'm sure you'll be amazing this year too, babe." Kurt couldn't help but to feel sad for his boyfriend. He hoped he could take some of his insecurities away but unfortunately it didn't work that way. Blaine had been having a hard time adapting to his new students, his fear of not being enough and letting people down coming back each time they were back to school.

Blaine hadn't stopped stroking his ring finger and was looking at Kurt's hand pensively. The more Blaine did it the more Kurt could feel the lump in his throat.

It had been two years since he had lost his memory and they decided to date and get to know each other all over again. It hadn't been easy, they had needed to trust each other, to let go of the past and to stop blaming the other or themselves. There had been times when it was all too much for both of them and times when nothing could come between them. Kurt had bought a ring a year ago and hid it the best he could. He had waited for Blaine to get to know him, to really understand who he was now, but Kurt was still afraid that somehow Blaine was not really in love with him but was in love the reflection of a past Kurt he had in front of him. So Kurt had hidden the ring and waited to be sure that Blaine was in love with him for him and not for all the memories he was carrying with him. The more he waited the less he was sure he would be able to actually propose to the man.

"Do you remember that question about the children you asked me?" Blaine broke the silence and snapped Kurt out of his thinking, still stroking his finger.

"No, I don't, when was that?"

"When you didn't have all your memory back. Do you think about us, having children sometimes? Blaine wondered, lost deep in thoughts.

"I do," Kurt admitted, blushing a little. "All the time actually. Do you?" Kurt had heard the insecurity in his voice and hoped that Blaine didn't.

"I do too, all the time. I'm just not sure I'm a good enough person to be a father. I can barely take care of myself, how could I take care of my child? I'm not sure I'll be strong enough or brave enough to be a father. And my way of dealing with problems? Closing up and shutting people down? I'm not sure it's the best for a child to have a parent like that. I want a child, more than anything. I'm just not sure it would be the best for a child to have me as a parent though." Blaine fell into a heavy silence, looking from Kurt's hand to his eyes, gently stroking Kurt's finger.

Kurt was nuzzling into Blaine's chest and caressing his body. He loved the moments when it was just the both of them, pressing against each other. Those moments were full of love and caring. Those moments held memories and promises, during those moments Kurt could feel himself falling in love with Blaine over and over again.

"But before we think about kids, I want to marry you, Kurt. I promised to myself years ago that I wouldn't lose you ever again. I want to make that promise official to the world. I want to make it official that I didn't lose you and that we found each other again. I want for the world to see that I, Blaine Anderson, love you, Kurt Hummel, for everything you are. I want to marry you, Kurt."

Kurt felt his heart stop for a second and launched himself at his drawers, taking out the little box he'd been hiding for a year now.

"I think I can help with that demand." Kurt said, kissing Blaine deeply before opening the box.


End file.
